just trying to eat my waffles

April 09, 2005

Brittany Goes Clubbing With The Hot Tub Friends

In this exclusive video clip from Brittany's upcoming reality tv show, we see her out on the town with a few of the hot tub friends.

Posted by: annika at 10:59 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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April 07, 2005

If You Have To Explain A Joke...

It occurred to me that nobody except Sheila got my last photoshop joke. Which, by the way is the freakin' funniest thing i ever done. To paraphrase Betelgeuse: i've looked at it about a HUNDRED AND
SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT!

Anyways, for you cultural illiterates, convicted hit-and-run driver Paula Abdul is driving, and that black dude is Ben Vereen. It's an obscure reference to this infamous 1992 incident: when

Entertainer Ben Vereen was critically injured when he was struck by a van while walking along the Pacific Coast Highway near Malibu, California. The driver, producer/composer David Foster, was not charged. Some hours earlier, Vereen had run into a tree while driving his own car. He blames that mishap for the later accident. He said, 'I had hit my head on the steering wheel but felt fine. Later that evening as I was walking in Malibu, I had [a] stroke as a result of that accident.' Vereen says he then stumbled into the roadway and was hit by the van.

Freaky. You don't remember that? Anyways, the rest of the joke is just my weird imagination. The old man is just some old man. And there's no particular reason why Marv Albert and Paige Davis would be double dating with Paula and Pee-Wee, except that it makes some absurd kind of sense to me.

Got it? Okay now go back and look at it and laugh dammit, LAUGH!

Posted by: annika at 09:43 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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1 HAHAHAHAHA I don't have many "rules" for why I won't date a guy - but if I have to say "That was a joke" more than three times on one date, the dude is toast. Not that I'm the goddess of funny, but there's nothing bleaker than having to explain your own jokes. I loved that thing you posted - I still laugh every time I look at it.

Posted by: red at April 07, 2005 10:40 AM (qxKkx)

2 I got it too. Is it me or does Paula always look like she's hammered? And I don't mean just drunk... I'm talking 'three vicodins and wine cooler' hammered.

Posted by: Paul at April 07, 2005 11:07 AM (vbP6L)

3 annie, lost address/bush country-email me

Posted by: mh at April 07, 2005 11:39 AM (px9af)

4 I'm culturally illiterate?!?! *I'm* culturally illiterate?!?!?!? Hey, *I'm* not the one going around memorizing obscure trivia about some tap-dancer who hasn't done anything of note in years! You coulda stuck Steven King on Paula's bumper, and probably exactly the same number of people would've gotten the joke. Now, if Someone Really Important had been hit by a car--someone like Joe Don Baker--and you had had them bouncing over the car and onto the PCH, then I would have been outraged at your lack of compassion and tasteless sense of humor. As it is, it was really fucking funny all on its own, and it would still have been really fucking funny even without a stupid inside joke that only those who memorize People would get.

Posted by: Victor at April 07, 2005 12:08 PM (L3qPK)

5 Victor, i'm starting to worry about you. Oh, and Mitchell is not on DVD. What's up with that? Either that or Netflix doesn't carry it.

Posted by: annika at April 07, 2005 02:17 PM (zAOEU)

6 Aw c'mon Vic, he was in "All that Jazz", a modern classic!! Well, his part wasn't very interesting, but there was a SHITLOAD of T & A!

Posted by: Casca at April 07, 2005 03:28 PM (cdv3B)

7 That really brings back memories, Annie. I was living in Malibu back in 1992 and our beach house was just down the hill from where this all occurred. The local gossip was that he dropped his coke vial out the window and was wandering on the highway looking for it when he was hit by David. Lot of good jokes resulted, but the best was giving directions to our house. We'd tell folks, "Just go North on the PCH until you hit Ben Vereen, then take a left...".

Posted by: shelly at April 07, 2005 03:28 PM (M7kiy)

8 Why are you worried, annika? That I thought your photoshop was funny w/o recognizing Ben Vereen? Mitchell is, in fact, available on DVD, but you'll probably have to buy it. You might check Netflix to see if they have the MST3K version, or perhaps Blockbuster might have it. Or you could put it on your Amazon wishlist and cross your fingers around Christmas...

Posted by: Victor at April 07, 2005 03:37 PM (etHvD)

9 So, how did you get the rug to stay on Marv's head in an open convertible?

Posted by: shelly at April 07, 2005 05:41 PM (M7kiy)

10 yes, it's a well made rug. Hal Fishman's guy did it.

Posted by: annie at April 07, 2005 08:23 PM (3o/ru)

11 Ya know, I'm kinda surprised you didn't put Brittany in the middle of the road, there. OTOH, you might've had to change the driver...perhaps some sassy little blonde blogger instead of Paula...

Posted by: Victor at April 08, 2005 07:26 AM (L3qPK)

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March 27, 2005

On PCH With The Hot Tub Friends

Meanwhile out on Pacific Coast Highway...

You folks in L.A., be careful out there.

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March 26, 2005

Spring Break With The Hot Tub Friends

B-list celebrities need Spring Break, too.

i recently obtained some exclusive footage of the time when three of our hot tub friends met Jessica Alba.

i Hope your Spring Break was enjoyable, too.

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March 24, 2005

A Sneak Peek Inside Pat O'Brien's Bedroom

Another annika exclusive:

After that hot tub party, Pat got in the mood for a little two-on-one ball.

Somebody stop me, please.

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March 22, 2005

Hollywood Hot Tub

Poor Pat O'Brien. No more partyin' for a while, you freak.

Them celebrities can get pretty wild, though. Wouldn't you like to have been at this party?

You're right, i guess not.

Posted by: annika at 11:39 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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March 18, 2005

Useless Friday Ego Trip

Once again, in lieu of actual blog content, it's time for Friday photoshopped self-promotional nonsense.

This week we examine: Annika Gyrl: The unauthorized annikabiography.

book

List Price: .35¢
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Want it delivered Monday, March 21? Order it in the next 15 hours and 44 minutes, and choose One-Day Shipping at checkout.

93 used & new from .01¢

Edition: Hardcover
Average Customer Review: based on 3 reviews

Were this thing ever to see print, it would surely be filled from end to endpaper with the most shocking debauchery of a type that would cause Mr. Verdana to blush, Ms. Arial to shield her eyes, and both Mr. Times and Mr. New Roman to run for cover.

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March 11, 2005

It's Friday, So In Lieu Of Actual Blog Content...

...i bring you photoshopped self-promotion.

Yes, this is an actual recruiting poster, rejected by the DoD.

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March 08, 2005

Fourteen Minutes To Go!

Yesterday they mentioned my idea on MSNBC, and now today they're talking about me on Fox News! Click on the picture to see the clip.

Fame! i wanna live forever!

Remember the annika's Blogversary Poker Party is Wednesday night at 7:00 p.m. California time.

remember... remember... remember...

Posted by: annika at 08:01 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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March 06, 2005

Softcore Robotica

Pollhost censored me.

If you click on "My most controversial poll ever: Which two androids should be fucking?" you will find that they shut me down without even a warning. Those bastards.

But i'm not deterred by the new decency standards. As a proud blogger, if i want to write about robots fucking, i will insist on my first amendment right to use the f-word.

Anyways, the excitement of my "most controversial poll ever" died down pretty quickly after the result became a forgone conclusion. Last i checked, i looked like about 70% of voters wanted to see Star Trek Voyager's Borg chick, 7 of 9, get together with the Daryl Hannah replicant from Blade Runner.

Not a bad choice you pervs, but if you ask me, the obvious choice should have been Inspector Gadget and the late Optimus Prime. Two transformers? Come on people. Think of the all mechanical/sexual permutations that would have been possible.

At any rate. i aim to please, so here's your robotic fantasy come to life:

As for me, if i could get it on with the android of my choice, it would have to be this hottie, no contest.

Posted by: annika at 11:50 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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March 01, 2005

Sheets Bird Addresses The Fubar Convention

The challenge: create a photoshop image that is even more freakin' disturbing than yesterday's Ward Churchil image.

Mission accomplished? i'll let you be the judge.

That's pretty ugly, but not as ugly as what he said on the floor of the Senate today, when he equated Senate Republicans with Hitler. Radio Blogger has the details.

Bird has completely lost his senses. How ironic for a Klansman to be lecturing on Nazism. At least he knows his subject.

By the way, i fully support this idea. If it's good enough for our stamps and money, it's good enough for West Virginia.

Posted by: annika at 09:47 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Full Meltdown

Ward Churchill is in full meltdown mode. Last Thursday, he swatted a newspaper at a Denver tv reporter, when the reporter tried to ask about the "Winter Attack" painting. Churchill wants to get fired. Like the Pearcy couple here in Sacramento, he thrives on his own controversy. He lives for it.

The University may oblige him.

Internal discussions at Colorado University are centering on a buyout offer to controversial professor Ward Churchill in order to quell the tempest caused by his characterizations of victims of Sept. 11, 2001, as 'little Eichmans' and to avoid a costly, drawn-out lawsuit, the Denver Post reports.
. . .
Colorado regents have authorized an internal review of Churchill's writings and speeches to determine if he should be fired. A decision is scheduled for the week of March 7, although Churchill could appeal if the university terminates his employment. Such a dismissal, even if not mired in the controversy surrounding Churchill's case, could last years and inpose [sic] expensive legal costs.

What's the pool on his last day at CU?

Posted by: annika at 01:03 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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1 re: your Churchill pic That's no moon... that's a space station. Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim at March 01, 2005 02:54 AM (ipR0J)

2 What's galling is CU is considering buying him out (the figure I've heard bandied about is $10 million) instead of just firing him for numerous offenses. There's the lying on his resume thingy (getting a job based on false pretenses should be a firing offense) and the stealing people's artwork thingy (theft should also be a firing offense, and I hope the artists estates sue the piss out of him) and I betcha more stuff will be discovered as more and more people dig into his past. Tenure or no, I'm pretty sure there's a clause in his contract about not embarrasing the school, and I can't see how CU isn't embarrased about this. It's too bad political correctness has resulted in backbones being ripped out left and right.

Posted by: Victor and his seventeen pet rats at March 01, 2005 06:17 AM (L3qPK)

3 Re the artwork thingie. It's not inherently dishonest. People base original artwork on other people's art all the time. Trouble is, i don't think he acknowledged the original artist. He should have indicated something like: "after so and so artist" or "based on a painting by so and so."

Posted by: annika at March 01, 2005 07:03 AM (/vBtV)

4 I agree with Victor. I don't think Churchill will sue. Churchill doesn't want all the revelations that a court case would bring. If that stuff was made public, the only place he could get a job is Harvard. CU paying off Churchill, is like paying protection money to the Mafia.

Posted by: Jake at March 01, 2005 07:07 AM (r/5D/)

5 How much money did the victim's families get on average? There's no way Churchil should be hitting the lottery as a result of his defamation.

Posted by: annika at March 01, 2005 07:11 AM (/vBtV)

6 If CU tries to buy him out, I fully expect the Legislature to step in and pass a bill to prevent them from doing so. In which case, you'll also have a fight over the extent of the university's independent budgetary authority.

Posted by: Dave J at March 01, 2005 07:17 AM (CYpG7)

7 Annika: Winter Attack is out and out fraud. He photographed the original, reversed the negative and printed it. It is an exact mirror image of the original with one exception. He whited out some unimportant ground details. That piece of art took 30 minutes of his time to create. That fact that he reversed the image tells me that he knew he was stealing. If he sold the prints for a lot of money he could be sent to jail.

Posted by: Jake at March 01, 2005 07:20 AM (r/5D/)

8 Oh i didn't realize that. i thought he painted the copy himself.

Posted by: annika at March 01, 2005 07:33 AM (/vBtV)

9 Thanks, Jake. annika, had the piece been acknowledged and the purchaser informed it was "after Mails" Churchill would have a stronger position...and no reason to throw a punch at a reporter. Nah, there's something rotten in the state of Colorado goin' on there. You can see the news report (and read the transcript) of Churchill's assault here. Particularly important is this comment by Mr. Mails's son: "My father invested a great deal of himself in his work, and from that he developed a great fierceness in defending his work," Mails' son said. "I cannot imagine he would ever grant permission to anyone to copy one of his pieces." Michelle Malkin, the second smartest person in the world, has a good Churchill "artwork" round up here.

Posted by: Victor and his seventeen pet rats at March 01, 2005 09:05 AM (L3qPK)

10 ok so who's the first?

Posted by: annika at March 01, 2005 09:31 AM (zAOEU)

11 How long until Dan Rather comes to Churchill's defense? i can see it now: "I know that this artwork is his. He wouldn't have sold it if had not been. There isn't going to be... there's no... what you're saying apology? Not even discussed, nor should it be."

Posted by: E.B, at March 01, 2005 09:44 AM (zAOEU)

12 Actually, Annie, I read a blog that quoted him as saying that he did in fact acknowledge it was "after....". Problem is, he says it was verbal, and there is nothing more to substantiate his further false claim. The guy covers his lies with lies. He lies so much, he can't remember what he has said and to whom. He is a classic pathological liar, and has been getting away with it for years. I'm betting that several coeds (or former ones) come forth soon to tell how he seduced them with his glamorous lies. If the CU Trustees pay him off, they should be fired by the Legislature and the Governor. This guy deserves to be fired in disgrace. Let him sue, then he will be finally exposed to the world as the charlatan that he is. Thanks, Bill and Hillary for setting the mark in this country. It is good to know that it depends on what your definition of "is" is.

Posted by: shelly at March 01, 2005 11:58 AM (ywZa8)

13 k that pic is totally scary... aaaaaaahhh

Posted by: maizzy at March 01, 2005 12:11 PM (J6XIN)

14 Fire this bozo because he lied on his resume or because his scholarship is sloppier than a Tijuana men's room, but please, not because he called the 9/11 victims little Eichmanns in a journal piece. That really is free speech. Dumber than a post, sure. Vacant and mean-spirited? Of course. But his right to say dumb, mean-spirted things is guaranteed by the First Amendment. Let's be patient. It took a generation to put clowns like Ward Churchill into their tenured positions, and it's going to take a generation to clean them out, one funeral at a time.

Posted by: patrickhenry at March 01, 2005 01:08 PM (BXNL3)

15 And the worthless scumbag needs a damn haircut, too.

Posted by: JD at March 01, 2005 01:13 PM (pQrtL)

16 He should have the electrodes implanted in his head.

Posted by: d-rod at March 01, 2005 02:36 PM (CSRmO)

17 Patrick, I don't think there's a single one of annika's readers who won't disagree with you. We all realize freedom of speech includes the freedom to make yourself look like a horse's ass, too.

Posted by: Victor and his seventeen pet rats at March 02, 2005 05:48 AM (L3qPK)

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February 16, 2005

How Committed A Fan Are You?

No no, i'm not expecting ~~everyone~~ anyone to get an annie's journal tattoo...

annie's journal tattoo

...although i won't discourage the idea.

Now that i think of it, that would be a great way to advertise - and i need only 93 more links to pass fatbody Oliver Willis on the Ecosystem!

Posted by: annika at 10:20 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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February 11, 2005

A Page From The Notebook Of Bill Clinton's Psychiatrist

February 11, 2005
Patient: William J. Clinton

The president confessed this morning his closely held ambition regarding the UN job. Haven't seen him this animated in session since early in second term. Believes Secretary Generalship would provide opportunity for personal growth.

Kept obsessing about secret plan of his to improve Russo-American relations. Pressed him for details, but he only made vague reference to a recurring dream he's been having nightly.

Says dream is extremely vivid, and takes place deep within a Russian forest. Refused to elaborate. Must explore further at next session.

Posted by: annika at 04:55 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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January 28, 2005

Carnival Of The Poetries Update

Oh my, how could i have missed Kevin's latest haiku offering, on the Star Wars meme. An excerpt:

Princess Leia knows
she can never tell poor Han
that she blew Chewie

If Kevin were a gigantic slow moving furry bearded ram (and i can point to no evidence that he is not), i might be tempted to dub him the Basho of the Bantha.

While you're at it, check out my lastest attempt to augment my referrals.

Posted by: annika at 11:25 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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January 18, 2005

Desperately Useless Fortune Cookie Blogging

See what depths my lack of blogging inspiration has driven me to?

It's pathetic, really.

Posted by: annika at 07:54 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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Yet More Useless Fortune Cookie Blogging

Interesting thought...

Sounds like fun, though.

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Useless Fortune Cookie Blogging, Again

Wisdom for the munchies:

Okay, good one to keep in mind.

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Yet More Useless Fortune Cookie Blogging Again

i guess i should be happy that they're reading me in Peking, but still...

How rude.

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Useless Fortune Cookie Blogging

An oldie but a goodie:

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