February 27, 2008

Swedish Humor

Here's some Swedish humor for y'all. Hope you haven't already seen it.

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December 28, 2006

Happy Christmas!

I hope you all got exactly what you wanted!

h/t Pursuit.

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November 21, 2006

Size Matters... Even Underwater

Another study, which confirms the obvious. Females prefer males with bigger gonopodia.

Data in hand, Langerhans exposed about 50 females, one at a time, to video images of a male of average proportions at one end of an aquarium and an outsized male at the other end.

"They chose the larger one over and over," Langerhans said. "All females had the same preference."

Don't feel bad though guys, the study also suggests that you might be able to solve your little problem by simply moving to a "predator free environment."
"We found that in predator-free environments gonopodia size was larger, as there is minimal cost for large genitalia in that environment," Langerhans said. For the record, the sex organs of the predator-free guppies were 15 percent longer, on average.
Oh yah, I forgot to mention it. The study was done on fish.

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September 27, 2006

Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wants To See

Radical Redneck alerted me to the following bit of celebrity gossip:

He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

I looked up "Dirty Sanchez" in the Rolodex of Love [nsfw]. Then I wished I hadn't.
Dirty Sanchez: A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.
Ugh.

Anyways, there's nothing that might induce me to want to watch Screech and two chicks fucking on video. In fact, John McCain might want to add that to his list of prohibited torture methods, just in case anybody at the CIA gets creative.

So I got to thinking. Who else might make the list of Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wants To See?


Free polls from Pollhost.com
I would be most likely to want to gouge my own eyes out after watching a celebrity sex video starring:
Barbra Streisand Little Richard Roseanne Barr Andy Dick Whoopi Goldberg Don Imus Joan Rivers Al Franken Kathy Lee Gifford Jesse Jackson other   



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August 29, 2006

This Time The Paparazzi Have Gone Too Far!

Barbie's honeymoon pictures. [NSFW]

Which begs the question, if Barbie and Ken broke up, what was she doing with Ken on her honeymoon? And where was G.I. Joe?

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July 07, 2006

Hitch Explains The Blow Job

Am I the only one who thinks it unseemly that the author of a scholarly work about Thomas Jefferson should also write an article about fellatio?

Be that as it may, Christopher Hitchens did just that. His article for Vanity Fair, is heavy on literary references, but contains one piece of etymological trivia that I'd always wondered about. Why do they call it a "blow job" when, as Chevy Chase once said, "you're not supposed to blow on it; that's just a figure of speech."

The crucial word "blowjob" doesn't come into the American idiom until the 1940s, when it was (a) part of the gay underworld and (b) possibly derived from the jazz scene and its oral instrumentation. But it has never lost its supposed Victorian origin, which was "below-job" (cognate, if you like, with the now archaic "going down").
Interesting. Of course, "sucking cock" is also a misnomer. If this were a more confessional blog, I might tell you the story of a certain fourteen year old's first encounter with a boy, wherein they both discovered the truth of that last statement, embarrassingly so for her, but painfully so for him.

Hitchens has a theory about why the blow job has become the quintessentially American sex act of late. It's not that Monica was so influential. It's really about the ADA, according to British transplant Hitch.

There is another thinkable reason why this ancient form of lovemaking lost its association with the dubious and the low and became an American handshake and ideal. The United States is par excellence the country of beautiful dentistry. As one who was stretched on the grim rack of British "National Health" practice, with its gray-and-yellow fangs, its steely-wire "braces," its dark and crumbly fillings, and its shriveled and bleeding gums, I can remember barely daring to smile when I first set foot in the New World. Whereas when any sweet American girl smiled at me, I was at once bewitched and slain by the warm, moist cave of her mouth, lined with faultless white teeth and immaculate pink gums and organized around a tenderly coiled yet innocent tongue. Good grief! What else was there to think about? In order to stay respectable here, I shall just say that it's not always so enticing when the young ladies of Albania (say) shoot you a cheeky grin that puts you in mind of Deliverance.
Hitch also mentions the movie Deep Throat, and it's importance to American cultural development.
[I]n 1972 . . . some amateurs pulled together $25,000 for a movie that eventually posted grosses of $600 million. Is this a great country or what? This film, with performances by Harry Reems and Linda Lovelace, was one of the tawdriest and most unsatisfying screen gems ever made, but it changed the world and the culture for good, or at any rate forever.
Having seen Deep Throat at a high school slumber party years ago, I can't say I understand Hitch's praise. It was a pretty sucky film, literally and figuratively. I don't remember much about it, except that me and my friends couldn't stop laughing, which means it was either really cheesy, or we were really stoned. I also remember wondering how Linda Lovelace did that. They must have used some kind of special effects, is all I can think, because what I saw was not physically possible.

As long as we're on the subject, I have a blow job related philosophical question. It's a non-rhetorical one for the comments section if you choose to weigh in. It seems there are two schools of thought regarding the power distribution within a duo a fellatio.

School one views the person doing the sucking as the one with all the power. Quite simply, this school argues that despite the apparent subservience of the fellator's posture, and the work:reward ratio involved, it is the sucker rather than the suckee who is in command. The argument is based on the fact that at any time, at the whim of the fellator, the fellatee might find himself in a World Of Hurt According To Garp. If you know what I mean.

The second school of thought on the power relationship issue vis-a-vis dicksucking, tends to scoff at the former school's "Garp" argument. This more inferential argument can be summarized thusly: Since fellators service a fellatee willingly and almost never cause harm, it can be surmised that the fellatee has power akin to a master-slave relationship. As one arrogant guy said to me during a discussion of this very issue, "A powerful king won't let anyone with a sword near him. But the most powerful king surrounds himself with swordsmen, because he knows nobody would dare hurt him."

Interesting point. But still I would come down on the side of the fellator as the one with all the power. Because she/he still gets to decide whether, when and for how long the job gets done.

And how well.

h/t to Blogger Ale.

Update: Essential reading: Oral Sex for Dummies, by JoanC: Part I and Part II. Even if you think you know the subject, I gaurantee you won't think so after reading Joan.

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April 18, 2006

Bavarian Dingle Loaf?!

I must confess that I've never heard of Bavarian Dingle Loaf. But apparently it's like catnip to a kitten. Or a sex-kitten. The Weekly World News confirms this fact:

HEY, GUYS! You can bed more babes than you can shake a stick at by feeding them a medley of three "sex foods" that drive women wild with desire: Raw oysters, foot-long weenies, and the Old World favorite, "Bavarian dingle loaf!"
I can't eat raw oysters. I got really sick off them about ten years ago, so I won't eat them anymore. I've never noticed any aphrodisiacal properties to the Dodger Dog (although they seem to have worked for Steve Garvey). But the Bavarian Dingle Loaf has me intrigued.
"Nothing is 100 percent, of course. But in nine cases out of 10, women who eat these foods are going to come on strong. And they aren't going to care what you look like or how much money you have.
Riiiiight.
"Bavarian dingle loaf is the icing on your cake. You can buy all the ingredients to make it from scratch. Or you can just do what I do: Buy a can of biscuit dough and knead it all together into a big ball.

"Then roll it out by hand into the shape of manly privates. You can even throw in family jewels on one end if you like."

Bill K., of Franklin, Tenn., says he tried the wonder foods on his female supervisor at work, "a real witch who hated my guts."

"I took oysters and the dingle bread to work, and gave them to her for lunch," he recalls. "The next thing you know we're in the stockroom doing it like Chihuahuas in heat.

"I even got a raise out of it!"

Lol, maybe he put too much yeast in the dingle bread.

Seriously though. I don't know how scientific this research is. But I'd be willing to bet if you showed up at work with a penis shaped pastry for your female boss, you'd probably be cleaning out your desk before lunch.

Update: In case your interested: Penis shaped cake pans. Or if you really curious, and you're not at work, here are examples of some finished products within that genre.

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March 13, 2006

Blog=Sex

You can thank me later.

Via Beth.

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February 20, 2006

Just Get It On Already

dbd.gif

Are we gonna see this in print?

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February 12, 2006

V-Day Advice

Purses and bags: NO. Our tastes are way too specific and there's too many variables involved. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can figure them all out. Same goes for shoes.

Pajamagrams, Vermont Teddy Bears or anything else advertised on late night cable tv: NO. Don't announce to your honey that you put no thought into the gift and selected it while watching re-runs of the A-Team.

Jewelry: Depends on the counter. Generally, if you can find it under glass, it's a YES. If it's hanging on a rack, give at your own risk.

Chocolate: Godiva, Sees, Dove? YES. Whitman's, Hershey's, Nestle? There better be another gift behind that one.

Flowers: Always a YES, unless they're the sole gift.

Gift Certificates: Book, record or department store certificates, NO. Everything else a MAYBE, but extra points for something out-of-the-ordinary, like an extravagant spa, a helicopter flight, horseback riding or something like that.

Useful housewares: Like a toaster or a blender? These might get you HURT. But anybody who doesn't know that probably doesn't date much anyway.

Fancy housewares: Like a set of delicate wineglasses? I'll give that a NOD.

Sex toys: I have nothing against sex toys, per se. But they're so overdone as a V-day gift, so I'm gonna say it's a NO. Valentines sex should be spontaneous, so don't announce that it's expected. As a surprise gift for no special occasion at all, there's a fun idea.

Lingerie: A possible YES. Here's the tip. Buy what she likes, not what looks good on Adriana. How do you know what she likes? Take a look in her drawer. If you don't see anything stringy, don't buy that three-pack of thongs. When in doubt, try boy-shorts. I don't know anyone who doesn't like boy-shorts.

Wine, beer or other intoxicants: If you have a nice evening planned, YES, by all means work this in. If you're thinking bubbly, I'd go with champagne over beer though.

Select wisely, and have a great Valentine's Day!

P.S. Remember to take the price tags off.

; )

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December 04, 2005

U.C. Extracurriculars

At Berkeley, we had "the naked guy." Not to be outdone, U.C. Irvine can now boast about its "couple fucking in a professor's office."

Way to go aardvarks!*

Via Darleen.
_______________

* Or whatever they call themselves.

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October 05, 2005

It Was Bound To Happen...

Brittany Sex Tape release feared.

My prediction: she still has no talent.

Update: Her lawyers concur.

A copy of the original tape viewed by the couple's lawyers elicited laughter and disgust.
That's harsh, dudes.

Update 2: My sources in the media have obtained for me a copy of the tape. It's dark and filmed in night vision green, but i was able to transcribe some of the audio for you.

Brittany: "is that better hun?"

Kevin: "uh-uh"

Brittany: "here let me..."

Kevin: "I don't..."

Brittany: "it's not..."

Kevin: "just..."

Brittany: "uhhh..."

Kevin: "maybe if you just..."

Brittany: "huh?"

Kevin: "ow"

Brittany: "sorry, I..."

Kevin: "no keep going..."

Brittany: "I'm..."

Kevin: "there... no... "

Brittany: "ow"

Kevin: "what?"

Brittany: "let's try it this, uh..."

Kevin: "wait..."

Brittany: "how about now?"

Kevin: "it's gone..."

Brittany: "what?"

Kevin: "it's no good..."

Brittany: "huh?"

Kevin: "sorry I'm just..."

Brittany: "huh?"

Kevin: "you're..."

Brittany: "i can't..."

Kevin: "ow"

It goes on like that for several minutes. Quite boring, actually.

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July 26, 2005

Condoms And The Beaver

This is hilarious. Via The Cotillion.


By the way, this week's hostesses for the Ball are: Sadie (warning: femme fatale alert), Beth (warning: sticky fingers alert), Claire (warning: shoe fetish alert), and Denita (warning: Sweet lyrics alert)

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May 16, 2005

"She's A Crazy Girl"

Like many people, i've been expecting to hear that Wilbanks, the runaway bride, was on a cross country booty call when she disappeared. The fact that i was right, merely confirms that human nature is soo predictable. It's a great example of Occam's Razor at work.

The New York Post reports:

Jennifer Wilbanks wasn't just running away from her wedding, she was running toward something — an old paramour with whom she had a steamy sexual relationship.

The bolting bride set her sights on New Mexico sometime during her three-day cross-country sprint from the altar because it's the home of a short-lived fling, several sources told The Post.

But if Wilbanks harbored hope of reigniting an old passion, she would have been sorely disappointed.

'I would have turned her ass in, no question,' former flame Todd Kendrick told The Post.

'And then,' he joked, 'I'd have asked for the $100,000 reward.'

. . .

Kendrick said that though 'worried' for Wilbanks, he 'had a feeling' foul play wasn't involved when she vanished in Georgia four days before her planned lavish wedding to fiancé John Mason.

'She's a crazy girl,' said Kendrick, who said he had a brief — and sexually charged — relationship with Wilbanks.

. . .

Said Kendrick, 'When I heard she was here, I thought, "Oh, God, why not Idaho?" — anywhere else, really.'

. . .

Kendrick, 41, said he knows Wilbanks, 32, through his younger sister — who was to be a bridesmaid in Wilbanks' jettisoned wedding and had thrown her a bridal shower.

'About three years ago, she and my sister came out to New Mexico together to visit me; I dated [Jennifer] a couple of times,' he said.

Like other men who've gone a few rounds with Wilbanks — several firemen, a dentist and gym buffs among them — Kendrick said Wilbanks had a healthy sexual appetite.

'She liked sex,' he said.

Nevertheless, Wilbanks' fiancé, Mason, has famously boasted he and his intended had abstained during the 18-month courtship leading up to their planned wedding.

Kendrick found it 'very disturbing' that Wilbanks tried to feed police a phony kidnap-and-rape story after she landed in New Mexico after a side trip to Las Vegas.



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April 24, 2005

i Have Been Grumpy Lately...

...but that's no reason to jump to any conclusions.

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April 21, 2005

Italian Sausages Judged Biggest

From Reuters:

Germans have average lengths of about 3.4 inches, Israelis 3.27 inches, Turks 3.07 inches and Filippinos 2.89 inches. Italians were the longest at 3.54 inches, and Americans averaged 3.46 inches.

The study did not measure the penises when they were erect.

All i can say about that is...

LMAO!

And that there's one group that's conspicuously absent from the study.

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January 05, 2005

I Hear The Law Firm Of Gypsy, Rose & Lee Is Hiring

And in the "aren't there too many lawyers already?" department, we have this story:

An assistant Broward County public defender who was forced to quit after charges of sexual misbehavior was cleared, reinstated and promoted on Monday.
Promoted!
Jayme Cassidy, who was forced to quit Nov. 28 by former Public Defender Alan Schreiber, was rehired on the first workday of new Public Defender Howard Finkelstein.

. . .

She was accused by Schreiber of harassing two male lawyers in the office, slapping a private lawyer at a Halloween party and dancing nude at a conference on sex cases in Orlando.

Well if a lawyer's gonna dance nude, where better to do it than at a conference on sex cases?
Finkelstein said Cassidy never danced nude but may have acted inappropriately on other occasions. He said any incidents happened outside the office and did not meet the definition of sexual harassment or creating a hostile workplace.

He blamed Cassidy's misbehavior on the breakup of her marriage.

Or could it be that her marriage broke up because of her behavior? Just a thought.

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January 04, 2005

They're Lonely And They're Spectacular

This one belongs in The "Huh" Files.

Teri Hatcher has revealed she hasn't had sex in four years.

The beautiful actress, famous for her role as Lois Lane in '90s hit TV series 'The New Adventures of Superman', has confessed she hasn't had any fun between the sheets since splitting from actor husband Jon Tenney in 2000.

The star, who also plays a frustrated single mum in the acclaimed US series 'Desperate Housewives' told Britain's The Sun newspaper: 'There just isn't any space for it.

'I don't have a boyfriend because I don't go out on dates.

But it's okay - I'm not sad because of it.'

Four years? Dang.

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December 23, 2004

Finals Update

Finals are done. Overall i feel good about it. i tried to avoid the extensive post-mortems that everybody warned me about. i'm just glad they're over and i can relax for a few weeks until grades come out and we start all over again. Yesterday's test was property and i think i really nailed that exam, despite it being such a huge subject.

Afterwards there was much drinking and merriment. We hit the local law school hangout and the night included loud music of course, lots of beer, a few white russians which i made the b/f buy me, some pool, some smoking, more heavy drinking, and a heated but good-natured debate about the relative merits of Divac versus Osterslug at the center position.

Charissa and i are driving to L.A. this morning so Mike drove us home early. i was stinky drunk. We lost track of my roommate Colleen halfway through the night and were a little worried when she wouldn't answer her phone. But we figured she was okay after we saw a strange car in our driveway. As we stumbled towards the door, we also found this on the lawn. i took a picture to preserve the evidence and also because i was stinky drunk.

My environment was beginning to spin, so i went straight to bed. Early this morning, when Charissa got up to make coffee she was greeted by more evidence in the kitchen. Ho ho ho! Way to go Colleen!

What do you do when you find something like that? There are two options: One, pretend you didn't notice and maintain secrecy so as to preserve everyone's dignity. Or two, call attention to it in a way that will maximize embarrassment for the guilty parties. Charissa and i discussed the matter and, quite predictably, we chose option two.

Oh that gossip mill is going to be on fire next semester!

Alright, it's already late and we should have left an hour ago. i wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas in case i don't post before then. May Santa be good to you all! Ho ho ho!

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November 15, 2004

What About Dick?

Kevin at Wizbang has the photo of Cheney's . . . umm . . . dick. Kinda puts W's flight suit "package" picture to shame.

Best comment to Kevin's post is by Christopher Cross: "That must be what they mean by 'gravitas.'"

Heh.

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