May 18, 2007

Annika's Journal Farewell Tour: Part XII, American Skankwomen Rubric Bequest

Many of you enjoyed the rubric "American Skankwomen," which was originally designed to poke fun at Brittany, then morphed into an anti-Lindsay Logan category.

When Annika's Journal is gone, do not despair. Let me recommend that you subscribe to Michael Buckley's videoblog, What The Buck? He is brilliant!

Watch Michael crack on Brittany, Paris and Lindsay.

"The gays can rejoice in their new Liza." LOL, that is too funny.

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February 24, 2007

Another One

Among the requirements for admission into the Skankwomen sorority is an inability to learn simple lessons from personal experience, most specifically evidenced by poor driving judgment.

to wit:

Nicole Richie, with a previous DUI on her record, not to mention a heroin bust, decides to smoke weed, pop vicodin, then get in her SUV and drive the wrong way on an L.A. freeway. Luckily, nobody got killed as a result of that brain fart.

Not to be outdone, Nicole's pal Mischa Barton, whose sister just went into rehab, and whose OC character got killed in a car crash, borrows Nicole Richie's car, slams into another car in a parking lot, then a few days later gets photographed smoking a j while driving her own car.

Congratulations, Mischa, you're in the club. Hopefully you won't kill anyone either. Not that you care, you stupid skank.

P.S. In unrelated Brittany news, it's impossible to pick a favorite in Stereogum's photoshop contest, but #11 is up there.

h/t 6MB, via Agent Bedhead

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February 17, 2007

Brittany Headed For The Bottom

Brittany is disintegrating in public view. It is very sad. Odds are even that she won't make it to 30. If she does, it will be as some other unrecognizable creature, in the way that ultra-celebrity transformed Howard Hughes and Michael Jackson. Some say she's "crying for help." Unfortunately, the only hope for her would be if everyone completely ignored her from now on. I think this post proves that that is not going to happen.

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January 06, 2007

Lindsay Logan Update

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LINDSAY'S APPENDIX DIAGNOSED FROM PAPARAZZI PHOTO ANALYSIS — EXPERTS SAY BRITTANY OKAY

A's J Exclusive!!!

CENTURY CITY, CA — Sources close to mega-pop star Lindsay Logan have confirmed that her emergency appendectomy was the result of a little known experimental procedure called "toxicological remote analysis of medical photography."

The new technique uses super-high magnification of ordinary photographs to enable early diagnosis of many life threatening ailments, according to doctors at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

"By analyzing any external snapshot under extreme magnification one can often see inside the patient's body," explained Dr. Valderramma, a pioneer in the new technique. "It all depends of course, on the particular orifice present on the photographic film."

Dr. Valderramma, an otorhinolaryngologist, often uses toxicological remote analysis of medical photography to screen his own patients for tonsillectomies.

"The technique is most useful for diagnosing tonsillitis, since photographs showing a patient's mouth are commonly available," said Valderramma. Evidently, it was only a matter of time before someone applied the same method to check for disorders of the lower torso, such as appendicitis.

"Nowadays anyone can easily obtain photographs of a young lady's cootch on the internet," explained Dr. Valderramma. "So in a way, Ms. Lohan is quite lucky that someone performed the analysis on one of her paparazzi photos. Her own skankiness may have saved her life."

"It's just another example of the wonders of modern science," the doctor added with a wide grin.

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December 29, 2006

Lindsay Logan At Scores

More wisdom from the brain of Lindsay Logan:

I mean we're talkin' like, upper and inner thigh action -bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body.
What's she talking about?

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December 19, 2006

Obligatory Tarac Post

Trump tells the story:

She left a small town in Kentucky, and she was telling me that she got caught up in the whirlwind of New York . . . It's a story that has happened many times before to many women and to many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple, and they found out it wasn't so easy.

Sounds like something Steve Perry once sang:

Just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin anywhere
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Or (long as we're quoting SF bands), as the great Rob Weir once sang:

What in the world ever became of sweet Jane?
She lost her sparkle, you know she isn't the same
Living on reds, vitamin C and cocaine
all a friend can say is ain't it a shame . . .

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December 12, 2006

Lindsay Logan Email Of The Year

I just received the best Lindsay Logan email of the year, from Italy.

Hi lindsay my name is Lorenzo, I'm a italian boy and i think you it's a very beatiful girl and one very talent girl.

You don't know me and i think don't interessed but, i think you all day and speack with you is my dream. You are my dream. Scuse me for my english, i don't speack good but my word it's very important for me, you are my angel and for me you are a very good girl.

I are one boy with one dream and this, are you.

I don't rich and i don't interessed money but my dream is see your eyes.

One kiss by one boy

Lorenzo

How romantic. That's something about Italians, I tell you they must be born with it. Too bad he's wasting that talent on a skank like Lindsay Logan.

Update: More Lindsay news at 6MB.

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December 07, 2006

What The Huh?

Selected quotes from Lindsay Logan's most recent e-mail missive:

"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me."

"If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."

"Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character."

"our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."

"It's my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all. But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my opinion. I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be."

"[I'm at] such a young and tender age in a woman's life. It's enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change."

If you wanna make the world a bet-ter place, take a look at your-self and make that...

...change.

oooh... oooh... nanana na na na na na na...

Sorry.

Back to Lindsay's email. Memo to Lindsay: nobody gives a fuck. Except me of course, because I need a new skankwoman to post about, and you're as good as any.

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November 29, 2006

The Best Comment on Britney

Early last year, The Manolo was asked this question:

IAPNYC: I apologize for this question, but I ask everyone: the Britney or the Christina?

THE MANOLO: The Christina. There is for the Manolo no of the contest. The Christina, she is the beautiful lost waif, one who has, like the Violetta in the La Traviata fallen into the whoredom. For the Britney, this it was the sideways move.

And that, I believe, will be (and should be!) the final mention of the American Skankwoman on a's j.

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November 28, 2006

A Major Announcement From Annika's Journal

The major announcement is this: I don't wanna do any more Brittany Spears posts. After her latest stunt, it's just not funny anymore.

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One of my new year's resolutions for 2005, which I managed to keep, was not to blog about Paris Hilton. Now I think it's time to stop blogging about Brittany.

It's obvious she wants to enter the public consciousness again after her marriage hiatus. So she somehow got the brilliant idea that she should hang out with Paris Hilton, and copy the queen of skank's habits. Foremost among those habits is Paris's occasional tendency to show off her twat for the camera.

Paris does it on purpose, because it's part of her public image, and it works for her. But part of Brittany's charm, if you could call it that, was her lowbrow small town naïveté. Sure, she kissed Madonna, but part of me wants to believe that she didn't really know what that meant. "Ya mean people thawt that ah was lezbeeyin? Gawsh, ah had no ahdeeyah!"

But the planned crotch flash just isn't consistent with that simple image. It signals that Brittany plans to take her persona in a different direction, post K-Fed — into the realm of super-skankdom.

If I were advising Brittany, I'd say she is going in exactly the opposite direction she needs to go in order to rehabilitate her career. Even Paris knows that; witness the way she tried to close Brittany's legs in the picture above.

Publicity is publicity, negative or otherwise. Paris knows that too. But if Brittany really wants to be taken seriously, she should really take a look at how Christina Aguilera has managed her career. There's a girl who has found the happy medium between skankiness and musical talent.

Okay, maybe that's a little too ambitious for Brittany. No amount of vocal coaching would get her within one tenth of Christina's voice. But all I'm saying is, if you're going to be famous, at least be famous for something — not like Paris, who's famous only for being famous.

So if Brittany is just going to be a Paris Hilton clone, I'm not going to abet her anymore. It would only make me feel skanky by association.

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November 10, 2006

Brittany Dumped K-Fed By Text Message

Just heard about this:

A video of Britney Spears' soon-to-be ex-husband apparently getting a text message informing him that the pop princess had filed for divorce became the most viewed item on the YouTube Internet site on Thursday, with more than 1 million hits.

The Web video shows Federline taping a reality television show and talking about Spears being his biggest fan -- until he gets a text message. Then he puts his head in his hands, rips off his microphone and disappears, returning 30 minutes later visibly upset.

Here's the video:

What a loser.

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November 07, 2006

This Trumps Election Coverage

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BRITTANY FILES FOR DIVORCE

At TMZ.com:

Britney Spears has filed a petition for divorce from Kevin Federline.

TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing "irreconcilable differences." In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple's two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support.

She keeps the house, and the cars, and the clothes, and the boat, and the horses, and the jewelry, and the dogs. He gets to keep the bong.
She's also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney's fees.

Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she flaunted her incredible revamped physique during a surprise appearance on David Letterman's show. Sources tell TMZ there was no single reason for Britney pulling the plug, rather, it was "a string of events."

Spears has hired powerhouse celebrity divorce lawyer Laura Wasser, who has repped a number of celebs, including Angelina Jolie, Nick Lachey and Kiefer Sutherland.

I can't remember who had this month in the divorce pool.

h/t Michelle Malkin

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September 29, 2006

Kooky Firecrotch Fan Mail Of The Week

Yes, people keep sending them to me. Usually people ask me for her e-mail and normally I send back a curt response. But this one was unusual because somehow the dude thinks I'm her. How insulting is that?

Here it is, verbatim:

hi lindsay lohan

i'am your biggest fan and because i love all your movies you stared in and one more i want you to go out with me sometime if you want to and please write back biggest sweetheart

I should write him back:
dear freako,

you are a sick stalker, and probably very dangerous and meen. do not come near my house.

instead, i'll mete you behind Jerry's Deli 2nite at midnite. Bring some rubers and weed

luv, Lindsay Logan

that is 2 funny.

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September 13, 2006

Breaking News

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BRITTANY SCHEDULED TO GIVE BIRTH IN NINE MONTHS

Now that baby number two is out, pencil in June 2007 for the next blessed event.

Oh, this one is a boy!

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June 28, 2006

Coolest Thing On The Internets Of The Day

This game is awesome. You play a bouncer, and your job is to pummel Kevin Federline into a bloody stump. Not surprisingly, it is a lot of fun. Don't forget to mix in a lot of body shots too.

h/t to Jim via Beth.

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May 26, 2006

Okay Which One Of You Put Down $5 On Month 20?

Brittany and Keverline are on their last legs.

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March 29, 2006

Sculpted Brittany

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Brittany related news:

A controversial sculpture of Britney Spears – naked, life-sized and crouching as she is giving birth on a bearskin rug – is due to go on display April 7 at Brooklyn's Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery as part of a pro-life exhibition.

"I admire her. This is an idealized figure," the Connecticut-based artist, Daniel Edwards, tells the Associated Press – also admitting that he's never met or even spoken to his 24-year-old subject.

"Everyone is coming at me with anger and venom, but I depicted her as she has depicted herself – seductively," says Edwards. "Suddenly, she's a mom."

The sculpture is to be part of a pro-life exhibit, so they say:
"This is a new take on pro-life," said Edwards, whose life-size sculpture will appear at the gallery next to a display case filled with pro-life materials. "Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth." (Actually it seems more like an image of conception.)

The sculpture shows Brit naked and pregnant, crouching face-down on a bear rug as the baby's head appears at her opposite end.When some bloggers heard about the exhibit, the gallery received about 3,000 e-mails from around the world, split between pro-choice and pro-life opinions.

Sounds disturbing. Sometimes pop culture is just too fucking weird for me to even comment.

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December 08, 2005

A Great Disturbance In Paradise

Just when i was about to give up on boring old Brittany and start blogging about Lindsay full time, the rumors start up again.

By way of introduction, here's the no shit sherlock quote of the year:

Her mom is very clear about the fact that she doesn't think Kevin is right for Britney . . . And [she] even suggests that maybe she shouldn't have married him to begin with.
Ya think?!

So here we are, less than a year after the big wedding, and there's talk of a break-up.

Hard as that is to believe.

The marriage started off well. Brittany promising to pay for everything. Brittany buying Kevin a Ferrari. Brittany promising to help the child of Kevin's ex, whom he kicked to the curb when he found true love (and Brit's bank account). Kevin promising to help clean up after Bit-Bit more often. Brittany giving Kevin a hand-job in public. Ah, those were happy times.

Then came the thrilling news, after weeks of pointless denials that no one believed: Brittany was pregnant! And we all watched breathlessly as she went baby clothes shopping. We laughed adoringly while she "ate for two." We supported her, as i'm sure Kevin did, when she tried to quit smoking for the baby's sake. Then, when little SPF was born, like George Bailey we wept and prayed.

Wept and prayed.

i think i speak for all of us when i say i hoped things could have always stayed that perfect. After Brad and Jen, and Ben and Jen, and Renee and Ken, and Barbie and Ken, and Nick and Jess, and Paris², and Paris and Nicole, and ... i just don't know how many more celebrity break-ups i can take. But Kev and Brit, now that was one that was meant for the ages.

i mean, it was only two short weeks ago that we saw this happy scene: Kevin and Brittany strolling and waddling, respectively, out for a lovely day at a private beach.

But now we hear rumors of a great disturbance in paradise. As if dozens of Brittany fans suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Did Brittany throw Kevin out on his ass? Did she cut off Kevin's credit cards? Did Brittany's mom meet up with Kevin's ex, just to collect more dirt on the guilty guy? Did Kevin beg Brittany in Vegas to give him another chance. Did our girl hang tough. Did Kevin respond by saying: "Yo, least let me have the Ferrari back, bayatch." Did Brittany call him toxic? Did she throw his ring back, the one she paid for? Is it all over?

Nah, it was too good to be true.

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October 12, 2005

President To Replace Miers

This just in. Bowing to criticism, it seems that President Bush will replace Miers with another woman whose credentials, some might argue, are similarly noteworthy.

i'm talking about Brittany, of course.

President Bush said that Spears, who is an expert in rhythmic 'dancercise' and has achieved notable success marketing recorded entertainment to the under-14 WASP demographic, will make 'a real good judge'. While the choice of Washington outsider Britney Spears is clearly intended to help deflect growing accusations of cronyism and insideropeia within the Bush administration, pundits on both sides of the isle nevertheless predict an uphill confirmation climb for the youthful entertainer.

Britney Spears, who joined the nomination announcement via video uplink, said she was 'totally excited' about the opportunity. 'This is like so cool,' said Ms. Spears. 'I mean, like, the Superior Court and everything. It's like a dream come true. I mean for somebody, I guess.'

As for me, i'm disappointed. i'm sure Brittany might make a fine justice, but i'd much rather have someone with "Meals On Wheels" experience.

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October 08, 2005

Breaking News

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BRITTANY PULLS BRA

It was broken anyways.

Scroll down for Brittany's personal message to her fans.

i'm very confused by this auction. The item description is full of contradictory statements. Is the item for sale or isn't it? Do proceeds go to Hurricane Relief or to Brittany's foundation?

Developing...


[Hat tip to Steve at Poker for the Masses, who asks the following questions about playing in a charity poker game at the Playboy Mansion:

1) should i bring a towel?
2) how should I play 99? (strong is the correct answer)
3) should i tell my wife where the charity event is?
4) if yes, should i tell her before?
i got a chuckle out of that.]

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