Brittany Sex Tape release feared.

My prediction: she still has no talent.

Update: Her lawyers concur.

A copy of the original tape viewed by the couple's lawyers elicited laughter and disgust.

Update 2: My sources in the media have obtained for me a copy of the tape. It's dark and filmed in night vision green, but i was able to transcribe some of the audio for you.

Brittany: "is that better hun?"

Kevin: "uh-uh"

Brittany: "here let me..."

Kevin: "I don't..."

Brittany: "it's not..."

Kevin: "just..."

Brittany: "uhhh..."

Kevin: "maybe if you just..."

Brittany: "huh?"

Kevin: "ow"

Brittany: "sorry, I..."

Kevin: "no keep going..."

Brittany: "I'm..."

Kevin: "there... no... "

Brittany: "ow"

Kevin: "what?"

Brittany: "let's try it this, uh..."

Kevin: "wait..."

Brittany: "how about now?"

Kevin: "it's gone..."

Brittany: "what?"

Kevin: "it's no good..."

Brittany: "huh?"

Kevin: "sorry I'm just..."

Brittany: "huh?"

Kevin: "you're..."

Brittany: "i can't..."

Kevin: "ow"

Posted by: annika at 06:47 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 170 words, total size 2 kb.

Brittany has a baby boy! Please use the comments to let us know what you bought the Federlines from their baby shower gift registry.

i got them the baby blue mini cuspidor from Oshkosh B'Gosh and a little tin of Baby Skoal.

Posted by: annika at 10:27 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 48 words, total size 1 kb.

For those who are interested, Wizbang has posted some photos of Brittany in full frontal pregnancy fashion. She looks...uh...happy, i guess.

Link thanks to Victor, who raced out to see that new movie only to be disappointed when he discovered it was not in fact called Ratman Begins.

Posted by: annika at 07:40 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 52 words, total size 1 kb.

Some sick entrepeneur dug Brittany's pregnancy test out of a dumpster and sold it for 5 grr!

'It's hard to put a price on Britney Spears' urine,' Golden Palace spokesman Drew Black told The Associated Press Wednesday.

Golden Palace says it purchased the test from Ottawa radio station Hot 89.9, which insists the test was retrieved from the trash outside Spears' Los Angeles hotel room months ago. The station didn't leak news of the test until Spears and husband Kevin Federline revealed her pregnancy to the public last month.

i am now in the pee business. Any sickos wanna buy a tube of annie-urine, the bidding starts at five hundred a jar!

Posted by: annika at 06:38 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 151 words, total size 1 kb.

...about Brittany Spears' "condition," was said by Jennifer at Demure Thoughts:

I can just see, Brit now. Walking down Rodeo Drive 8 months pregnant with a Marlboro ULTRA Light hanging out of her mouth, her statement of sacrifice for the baby being that she gave up the Reds.

Posted by: annika at 08:22 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 59 words, total size 1 kb.

In this exclusive video clip from Brittany's upcoming reality tv show, we see her out on the town with a few of the hot tub friends.

Posted by: annika at 10:59 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 42 words, total size 1 kb.

We've heard the rumors before, but now it may actually be true.

Britney Spears is three months pregnant, it has been claimed.

The pop babe, who has made no secret of her desire to start a family with second husband Kevin Federline, will reportedly announce her pregnancy within the next couple of days.

Respected American gossip columnist Norm Clarke said: 'Britney Spears. not a girl, soon to be a mommy.

She's pregnant. Look for the announcement any day now.'

Well, if it's true, let me join Nikita Demosthenes, in wishing her good luck and congratulations.

Hat tip to Nikita, too.

Posted by: annika at 03:17 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 123 words, total size 1 kb.

1 O.K., I give up. Who is the father?

Posted by: shelly at March 26, 2005 09:40 PM (ywZa8)

2 Puh-leeeze, I've just spent 8 hours watching Franco Zeferelli's "Life of Christ" on the History channel.

Posted by: Casca at March 26, 2005 11:24 PM (cdv3B)

3 LMAO, that IS a priceless picture!

Posted by: Casca at March 26, 2005 11:32 PM (cdv3B)

4 No expert here, but it looks to me that if that's her at 3 months, she's going to be HUGE!

Posted by: JD at March 27, 2005 07:12 AM (J+Gcr)

5 She sure likes drinking out of little bitty bottles, doesn't she? Either that, or someone has Photoshopped the pic of her outside the convenience store in Santa Monica six months ago.

Posted by: The Owner's Manual at March 27, 2005 11:50 AM (ipiTO)

6 i would never, ever, never photoshop a picture of Brittany. How could you even accuse me of such a thing?!

Posted by: annika at March 27, 2005 12:11 PM (vl0WH)

7 It could have been photoshopped before you got it... or did you take the picture yourself?

Posted by: The Owner's Manual at March 27, 2005 09:17 PM (ipiTO)

8 Custody hearings. I look at that picture, and all I can see is custody hearings.

Posted by: gcotharn at March 28, 2005 03:21 PM (OxYc+)

9 This overrated image also known as Britney has had enough exposure, don't you think?

Posted by: Mark at March 28, 2005 11:30 PM (+6HCf)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

It's been a while since i've caught up with Brittany. Despite her vow to lay low, she's been on a something of a comic rampage lately:

• At times i almost think Brittany's being ironic with us. But then i remember that irony probably requires having an IQ, which is one accessory she's never owned.

  For instance, she recently promised:

  In the future, I will refrain from discussing my private life in interviews. It will be expressed solely through art.

  Art? Art?!

  She's taken up painting, i guess. Cuz she can't be talking about what she does for a living.

• And remember when Brittany stunk up that airplane? Apparently, she and Kevin have a lot in common:

  Federline's ex-girlfriend, Amy Woody, accusing Federline of . . . being hygienically impaired.

  Not only is he not a daily bather, he apparently would go for days without a scrub.

  Eeeew. The American Skankman!
• Brittany had some advice for Michael Jackson:

  He needs someone to be like, 'ok, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.' . . . he needs to get in a fight.

  Interesting idea. Although i bet if somebody punched him in the nose, they'd get a nasty splinter.

• Last Monday, Brittany and Kevin got kicked out of a Beverly Hills restaurant when she tried to eat there with her little rat, Bit Bit.

  But the manager chased after the couple and said they could stay if the pup was tucked inside her bag.

  Britney and dancer Kevin returned with Bit Bit in her pink holdall, emblazoned with the word BITCHY.

  Notice the flip flops. She tries so hard to be skanky casual, with the ripped up shorts and the stupid trucker hats, like she don't care how she looks. But to the observant eye, Brittany's trendy $17 Havaianas betray the fact that she's just a fad follower. Here's further proof: check out the new extensions.

  If she's trying to disguise herself, it might help if she left her rat at home. And the dog, too.

Posted by: annika at 10:43 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 371 words, total size 3 kb.

i refer you to these excellent remarks, from Citygurl.

Posted by: annika at 12:27 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 15 words, total size 1 kb.

Hey poetry contest lovers, Michele is having a V-Day poetry contest. It must follow the "roses are red..." format, and must be addressed from one famous person to another. Sounds like fun.

i'm formulating an entry in my head right now. Hmmm.

Update: Okay, here's mine:

Brittany Spears to Kevin Federline:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop fucking around
And help me feed Lacy Loo*

Kevin Federline back to Brittany Spears:

Roses are red
and sometimes they're yellow
I started cheating on you
'Cuz your feet stink like hello
(I mean, they really smello)**

* Lacy Loo reference explained here.

** stink reference explained here.

Posted by: annika at 12:59 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 117 words, total size 1 kb.

Brittany Spears is suing her insurance companies after they refused to pay her multi-million dollar claim.

Britney Spears has filed a $9.8 million lawsuit in New York to cover the losses for her canceled Onyx Hotel Tour.

Spears called off the 2004 tour after suffering a knee injury, but several insurers refused to make up the amount she lost because on the insurance applications, Spears checked 'no' to the question of pre-existing injuries, Celebrity Justice reports.

Spears had undergone minor knee surgery [on the same knee] five years before she signed the applications. She claims she simply forgot about the surgery because it was so long ago and she had fully recovered.

What's wrong with that? Well from a theoretical standpoint, it's borderline fraudulent. She offered to enter into a contract with the insurance company without disclosing information that would be directly relevant to the amount of premium they would agree to charge her. In other words, she was arguably ripping off her insurance companies.

People do this all the time. When i worked on auto cases for insurance company clients, the most common scenario was the person who lied about thier address to get a better rate. Other people lie about the length of their commute. Sometimes, after making a claim, they'd lie about who was actually driving the car, or whether a relative lived in the same house, in order to get around an exclusion in the contract.

When you're talking 9.8 mil, i can understand why the insurance company would use any defense they can find to get out of paying on the claim. Of course, that's what insurance companies do best anyways: weasel out of paying claims. It's all a part of the game.

Posted by: annika at 01:42 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 338 words, total size 2 kb.

Here's something a little lighter, for this week. Plus it'll fit within two of my rubrics.

A quick google search revealed that Brittany Spears, besides being a fascinating singer/actress/entertainer/essayist/dancer/amateur physicist/skank, is also a poet. Brittany apparently contacted the proprietors of Tastes Like Chicken, and they agreed to publish some of her very own poetry. Here's a sample:

MOMMY, CAN YOU READ ME A BOOK?

Mommy, will you please read me this book?
It made no sense to me when I gave it a look
It's confusing and weird and it is very scary
I can't make out what it is saying to me... ah, Barry
Oh. I was trying to read a book of stamps.
Never mind.

Go here to read some even better poems by Brittany.

Posted by: annika at 12:40 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 155 words, total size 1 kb.

This skankwoman update is so skanky, i'm glad Kin posted it and not me.

Posted by: annika at 09:05 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 18 words, total size 1 kb.

Brittany is busy writing a letter to her fans.

[Spears] has worked so hard on her letter that she says, she 'feels like I'm at Harvard.'

Posted by: annika at 10:29 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 50 words, total size 1 kb.

Brittany's not actually married, according to this NY Post article, which also contains details of her pre-nuptial agreement.

Spears' rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, who had thought the singer was officially married, told The Post:

'Her marriage is not technically legal. But as far as Britney and Kevin [Federline's] union is concerned, it is a marriage and they are married. The papers were filed, but because the wedding date was switched so quickly, they didn't come through, and the marriage hasn't become legal yet.'

Another source said when — and if — the papers do come through, Britney will not stage another white-dress wedding when she's officially and legally married next month.

Us Weekly said Spears' prenup caused the 'technical' delay, as Federline was 'unhappy with how much he stood to gain if the marriage dissolved.'

The prenup gives Federline only '$300,000 a year for exactly half the tenure of their marriage' — a pittance, considering Spears' $32 million bank account.

This is the most deplorable clause, though:

'Britney shall have no financial obligation to contribute to the support of [Federline's] two children.'

American Skankwoman, is right.

Via Wind Rider.

Posted by: annika at 11:14 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 231 words, total size 2 kb.

Hey, she can have sex now!

Oh that's right, she already has.

Posted by: annika at 06:25 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 14 words, total size 1 kb.

1 We should start a pool on how long this thing is gonna last.

Posted by: Amy at September 20, 2004 08:03 AM (RpVKX)

2 Time to start a pool. These are my bets: First public spat: Election Week~ Nov. 2 First rumors of new husband's infidelity appearing in People Magazine: Jan. 20 Britney files for divorce: Feb 18 Britney does the traditional girl thing-- dump them after Valentines Day! Here's how I know I'm on the right track-- can't decide if my predictions are too cynical or too optimistic...

Posted by: gcotharn at September 20, 2004 08:47 AM (AaBEz)

3 The "traditional girl thing?" i won't ask.

Posted by: annika! at September 20, 2004 10:45 AM (zAOEU)

4 Well, since the traditional girl thing, when immediately followed by, "I won't ask," really means, "Tell me what that means if you ever want a day of peace for the rest of your life," I'll tell you what it means: 1. Boy figures out girl is ready to dump him. 2. Boy, simply because he doesn't like to lose at anything, plans big romantic expensive Valentine's Day thing that will surely guarantee he keeps her until that day he decides he's sick of her. 3. Girl, in the meantime, has been dropping hints she'll drop him, knowing boy will plan big romantic expensive Valentine's Day thing to try to guarantee he keeps her until that day he decides he's sick of her. 4. Boy spends a boatload of bucks on a rented limo, flowers, candy, dinner, wine, and theater tickets on Valentine's Day. 5. Girl order's sixteen lobsters and seven bottles of champagne at dinner, then dumps boy during intermission of play/musical/opera. 6. Boy leaves girl at theater, but she's already made arrangements to be picked up by a girlfriend after the show so she can show her girlfriend the pictures of the guy's face when his plan fell flat. Pictures show up on internet faster than a Britney Spears divorce. No, that's never happened to me, but I know two girls who've done similar things (I admit, one of the guys deserved it. Don't know the other guy, so I can't really say.).

Posted by: Victor at September 20, 2004 11:38 AM (L3qPK)

5 The spread between Christmas and V-day is the professional single guy's annual holiday... Only uncommitted, purely physical, stay in shape, sportfucking allowed. Amateurs, and the soon to be legally fucked, date during this traditional armistice of the sexes.

Posted by: Casca at September 20, 2004 06:59 PM (Y671w)

6 I knew that "traditional girl thing" would get some comments! I agree with Casca. I should stipulate that I'm talking about college students and early to mid 20's people, and I'm quite past that age. When I was that age, over Thanksgiving I would decide if I really wanted to stay in whatever relationship I was in, because it would mean Christmas gift AND probable Valentine's Hell. Per Casca, and lacking serious zhu-zhu for the girl, the smart play was to ditch her- really before Thanksgiving- which means you didn't have to put up with any of those cloying "I miss you so much" calls from your family's house while she was at her family's house. Every man with any sense thinks this way. I honestly can't remember this happening to me, but I've always thought girls would hang in there and ditch the guy soon after Valentine's Hell. That way she gets flowers sent to her office so she can show off in front of her girlfriends. And those flowers damn well better arrive before 10AM. I've sent flowers that arrived late afternoon, and I caught hell for it. That was a girl I thought I had a future with, and that incident was a factor in ditching her. Anyway, why would a girl ditch BEFORE Valentines? Valentines is "be a princess" day! Flowers, chocolate, champagne, good food, big production sex... hell, almost makes me want to put on a lacy thingy and let the guy do me! Almost. If I'm wrong about all this, you can let me know. But, as a general, loose rule, I've always thought there was a lot of this stuff going on- on both sides.

Posted by: gcotharn at September 20, 2004 09:46 PM (Pbs6a)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

With Brittany, Brittany, Spears-mint Gum!

What could possibly bump up the value of some pieces to the $14,000 range?

Maybe some chunks have a higher amount of tobacco residue than the other pieces? Or a higher percentage of cum content, measured in parts per billion?

Posted by: annika at 10:52 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 57 words, total size 1 kb.

"Britney was my sex-mad bride": Jason Alexander tells all.

Link thanks to Jennifer, who seems to always find this stuff before me. ; )

Posted by: annika at 08:40 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 40 words, total size 1 kb.

A skanky homewrecking no-talent ho? The answer is yes.

But is she pregnant? She says no.

Okay, so commenter Rick chided me for not mentioning the rumor that Brittany is pregnant. Actually, not being as diligent lately as is my usual wont, i didn't know about the rumor until reading Rick's comment.

Here's the story.

Pop star Britney's shock engagement may reportedly be because the singer is pregnant. . . . [T]he News of the World says Britney is expecting a child at Christmas and so wants to be married to him by November.

. . .

The driving force behind the marriage is the singer's mother, Lynne, who doesn't want her to have a baby out of wedlock.

A Britney insider told the paper: 'Her mum has taken control now.'

They got talking on the plane about this and that and suddenly she proposed to him. And he said no. Now, this all is in a span of a couple of minutes. Then he turned around and asked her and she said yes.

Pop icon and fine upstanding role model: Brittany Spears.

Anyways, here's another rumor that i hope turns out to be true:

Pop beauty Britney Spears has decided to give up her singing career to become a full-time housewife, according to her pals.

Posted by: annika at 08:18 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 270 words, total size 2 kb.

i've been posting lightly lately, but i don't want to miss the chance to acknowledge the two amazing events that happened recently, neither of which, some critics say, have a snowball's chance in hell of lasting.

Iraq is a sovereign and independent nation . . .

. . . and . . .

. . . Brittany got engaged!

So congratulations to all 25,374,691 Iraqi citizens and to Brittany Spears. i wish all of you guys the best of luck. Who can say what the future holds for you? But i know, if you work hard, persevere and stay true to what is right, with a little bit of luck i'm sure that you all will create a lasting and successful modernized union that will become the envy of all countries throughout the troubled Middle East region, or of skanky homewrecking no-talent ho's, whichever the case may be.

Posted by: annika at 05:39 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 150 words, total size 1 kb.