April 19, 2008

Yet Another In A Series Of Satirical Environment Related Posts: Earth Day Suggestions


It's a well known and scientifically accepted truth that we are all on the verge of a major environmental catastrophe, which can only be averted by the election of Bronco Bomber. Unfortunately, we can't count on the gun-toting, God-clinging, xenophobic racists who vote in this country to recognize the Obamessiah as the Planet's one and only salvation. It doesn't look good for the old Obameister right now, but don't despair. We can still do our part. Here are thirteen practical suggestions for making this year's Earth Day count:

  1. Refrain from swatting any flies. Flies are people too, and swatting is a violent act. Instead, try talking to the fly without preconditions.

  2. Don't needlessly waste electricity at night. Turn off all your lights and stop watching tv. Instead, read a book and use your cell phone as a reading light.

  3. Rather than waste water by going in your toilet, reuse old plastic grocery bags instead. Better yet, don't flush and plant a tree in the bowl. Presto, instant carbon offset!

  4. If you're already walking or biking to work, bravo for you. But remember that you exhale more CO2 when you exercise. Offset that contribution to greenhouse gasses by carrying a co-worker on your back.

  5. Did you know that leaving the tap running while you brush your teeth wastes about thirty gallons of water a day? Stop brushing your teeth.

  6. Don't buy any product that was ever manufactured, assembled, transported, marketed or sold by a large corporation. Instead, make all your own stuff. I know a guy named Fred who furnished his entire house using only natural materials he found locally or brought home from work.

  7. Watching tv is a huge waste of electricity, but if you must watch your favorite show, wait for the re-runs. It's a great way to recycle.

  8. Act. Be active. Activate. Actualize. Activist. Accentuate. Use these words in a sentence.

  9. Wear hemp jewelry. My boyfriend proposed by giving me a hemp ring he made himself out of some free twine he stole from IKEA.

  10. Browbeat your friends into becoming environmentally conscious. Guilt-trip them about eating meat. Set their pets free. Just be obnoxious in general.

  11. Paint your house green. Then tell everybody you live in a green house. They won't know.

  12. Practice Zero Population Growth responsibly. For instance, a hollowed out leek makes a great condom.

  13. Water plants with your own blood.

Posted by: annika at 10:25 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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April 17, 2008

Best Pickle Discovery Of The Year

Oh Baby Baby, how was I supposed to know...

...that these plain-wrap brand pickles would be so dang tasty.


I got them at Ralph's.

N.B. This post should in no way be construed as having been inspired by, or being in any way related to the previous post.

Posted by: annika at 05:59 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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March 01, 2008

Help Save The Earth!

You may have seen a lot of applications on places like Facebook and MySpace, which promise to save the rainforests and stop global warming every time you click the mouse on their button.

I want to get in the act, because I care too. So here it is, save the earth, the Annika's Journal way. The more you click, the more you help save the earth.


Thanks for helping to save the earth. If we all work together, we can do it. For instance if ten thousand people clicked on that button this month it could actually help save the earth something like ten thousand times faster than normal earth saving methods would. If ten billion people clicked on that button, we might have so much earth savingness, that we could build another earth or planet or whatever. Which is pretty amazing if you think about it, and makes me feel real good about myself and how I'm doing my part and all.

Posted by: annika at 09:36 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment
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April 30, 2007

Annika's Journal Farewell Tour, Part V: Just To Be Clear

I will not be coming back to do one hour specials on "owatism" and "dipression."

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April 26, 2007

Random Thought

Fucken-a, why is Yahoo being so slow all the time? Holy crap.

Posted by: annika at 05:38 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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April 15, 2007


I seriously don't know how people did their taxes before Turbotax.

More: Carlos Mencia explains why we need taxes.

Posted by: annika at 11:16 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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April 14, 2007


I seriously don't know how people did chores like vacuuming and ironing before the iPod.

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April 02, 2007

Annika Asks Her Readers

John Hawkins has his polls, I have mine.

Do you think the Travelocity Gnome is funny?
Don't know
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Should Ohio State officially change their name from the Buckeyes to Florida's Bitches?
Don't know
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Egg salad sandwich, tuna salad sandwich, or chicken salad sandwich?
Egg salad
Tuna salad
Chicken salad
Don't know
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Which Jessica is best?
Jessica Simpson
Jessica Alba
Jessica Biel
Jessica Rabbit
Jessica Rose
Lady Jessica Atreides
Free polls from Pollhost.com

If Sam Jaya ever gets kicked off American Idol, the next competition he should enter is...
one of those Bravo reality shows where everyone's gay.
America's top model.
The Ultimate Fighter.
Nathan's hot dog eating contest.
The Bachelor.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Posted by: annika at 07:36 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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March 01, 2007

Travel Tips 2.0

I thought they had a phone in the john, but when I picked it up it blew hot air at me.

Posted by: annika at 08:51 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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January 08, 2007

Epiphany Epiphany

This weekend I realized something, and I wanted to share it with you. Despite being bombarded with dire warnings from every corner, I've never felt afraid about global warming. Not even once since all the hysteria began. Al Gore needs to work harder.

Posted by: annika at 09:45 AM | Comments (36) | Add Comment
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January 05, 2007

Happy News

Cinnamon Dolce latte has returned to Starbucks!


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December 30, 2006

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

It is a semi well known fact that the number of Elvis impersonators in the world has increased exponentially since the singer's death in 1977. But how many of you know just how pronounced and dangerous the trend is?


According to the San Francisco Chronicle

When Elvis Presley died in 1977, there were an estimated 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. By 1993, there were 48,000 Elvis impersonators, an exponential increase. Extrapolating from this, by 2010 there will be 2.5 billion Elvis impersonators. The population of the world will be 7.5 billion by 2010. Every 3rd person will be an Elvis impersonator by 2010.
That's one third of the Earth's total population, or 22,500,000,000 people. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I want to be an Elvis impersonator.

To be sure, not all of the finest workings of global population science is yet fully understood to the finest grain. However, all of the basics are absolutely clear. The Elvis impersonator crisis is real, humans are causing the problem, and the solutions are available to us now. It is not too late to avoid the worst. All that is needed is the political will to act.

h/t Some Words To Not.

Posted by: annika at 11:54 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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December 21, 2006

Busy Girl

I checked out the Miss Nevada photos, and all I can say is she was working overtime. I can't believe she managed to do all that stuff in one night. She must have been exhausted afterwards. Listen, I had some wild times when I was her age, but dang gurl. Is there anyone in that room she didn't get funky on?

Posted by: annika at 07:22 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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December 02, 2006

Big Hair Video of the Day

Victor here, still wired from watching my beloved Caps roll over one of the top two teams in hockey. Heckuva game and I'm not gonna be able to sleep for a couple of hours. I mean, it's 1:15 in the AM and I was going to go to work in about five hours, but not no more!

Instead, I'll clutter up annika's blog with a big hair video. I give you...The Flirts!

annika will soon begin to regret giving me posting rights.

Posted by: Victor at 11:15 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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December 01, 2006

Fiji Coup Update

Fiji's military commander, Frank Bananarama, has called on the Prime Minister and other members of the country's government to come out of hiding.

Fiji's ousted Prime Minister charted a plane yesterday and travelled with his family to an undisclosed location on the island of Venus Levu, when it appeared a coup was about to take place.

Bananarama said ministers will not be hurt in any way, during what he called a clean-up of the government by the military. He cautioned any who might oppose him that the government was now fully under his control. "We got it, yeah baby we got it," he added.

Posted by: annika at 08:37 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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November 16, 2006

Visitor Mail

Blu wrote me to suggest that I mention the passing of Thomas Friedman, which I have now done.

Correction: Make that Milton. Told you econ was not my subject.

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August 04, 2006

Observations From The Cellphone #94

[part of a continuing series]

Panda Express is a phenomenon whose longevity, like that of rock & roll or the computer, seems unjustified by its present state of quality.

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August 03, 2006

Question #249

[in a continuing series]

Am I the only one who thinks it's ironic that even though he's dictator of the country with the GREATEST HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND, Fidel Castro is still going to die?

Posted by: annika at 06:56 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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June 21, 2006

Useless June 21 Blogging

Dang, this was a long day.

Posted by: annika at 08:49 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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May 31, 2006

Water News

I got an idea, fill the bucket with confetti!

Posted by: annika at 01:40 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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