April 19, 2008

Yet Another In A Series Of Satirical Environment Related Posts: Earth Day Suggestions

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It's a well known and scientifically accepted truth that we are all on the verge of a major environmental catastrophe, which can only be averted by the election of Bronco Bomber. Unfortunately, we can't count on the gun-toting, God-clinging, xenophobic racists who vote in this country to recognize the Obamessiah as the Planet's one and only salvation. It doesn't look good for the old Obameister right now, but don't despair. We can still do our part. Here are thirteen practical suggestions for making this year's Earth Day count:

  1. Refrain from swatting any flies. Flies are people too, and swatting is a violent act. Instead, try talking to the fly without preconditions.

  2. Don't needlessly waste electricity at night. Turn off all your lights and stop watching tv. Instead, read a book and use your cell phone as a reading light.

  3. Rather than waste water by going in your toilet, reuse old plastic grocery bags instead. Better yet, don't flush and plant a tree in the bowl. Presto, instant carbon offset!

  4. If you're already walking or biking to work, bravo for you. But remember that you exhale more CO2 when you exercise. Offset that contribution to greenhouse gasses by carrying a co-worker on your back.

  5. Did you know that leaving the tap running while you brush your teeth wastes about thirty gallons of water a day? Stop brushing your teeth.

  6. Don't buy any product that was ever manufactured, assembled, transported, marketed or sold by a large corporation. Instead, make all your own stuff. I know a guy named Fred who furnished his entire house using only natural materials he found locally or brought home from work.

  7. Watching tv is a huge waste of electricity, but if you must watch your favorite show, wait for the re-runs. It's a great way to recycle.

  8. Act. Be active. Activate. Actualize. Activist. Accentuate. Use these words in a sentence.

  9. Wear hemp jewelry. My boyfriend proposed by giving me a hemp ring he made himself out of some free twine he stole from IKEA.

  10. Browbeat your friends into becoming environmentally conscious. Guilt-trip them about eating meat. Set their pets free. Just be obnoxious in general.

  11. Paint your house green. Then tell everybody you live in a green house. They won't know.

  12. Practice Zero Population Growth responsibly. For instance, a hollowed out leek makes a great condom.

  13. Water plants with your own blood.


Posted by: annika at 10:25 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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April 17, 2008

Best Pickle Discovery Of The Year

Oh Baby Baby, how was I supposed to know...

...that these plain-wrap brand pickles would be so dang tasty.

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I got them at Ralph's.

N.B. This post should in no way be construed as having been inspired by, or being in any way related to the previous post.

Posted by: annika at 05:59 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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