March 15, 2006

Scientollywierd

Now, I wouldn't have guessed Beck.

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March 11, 2006

Now People Think I'm Lindsay

As you know, I did a marginally funny spoof of an e-mail to Lindsay Lohan well over a year ago. I got so many comments from Lindsay fans asking me to put them in touch with her, I had to close the comments. Now I just get tons of emails. It's tapered off to about one a week now.

Here's a new twist, though. Some emailers think I'm Lindsay! Which is inexplicable, especially if they've read even one or two posts of mine. Oh well, it's better than people thinking I'm Ashlee, which would truly be insulting.

From: "[redacted to prevent embarrassment]" [*]@hotmail.co.uk
To: coolconnector20@yahoo.com
Subject: to lindsey.lohan
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2006 15:00:50 +0000

hiya you dont know me but im one of your fans i always feel sorry 4 you when you get ppl taking pictures of you in the street when u want them 2 leave you alone. I would like 2 be in one of your films later in the years please could you add me email or send an email to me i aint sure if you are lindsey lohan or not if you are dont worry i wont telll any1 your email your in safe hands with me i look abit like you actually lol. i wish i was as pretty as u. ppl always say i do abit. i know alot about you that ive read on internet and makeup books i read.I wish we was m8s i always listen to your music and i think your are a good singer. Ive heard about your dad and i hope everythin goes well if it already has

my email addy is [*]@hotmail.co.uk

as i live in the uk lol of course

sorry 4 taking your time wish your ok and hope your brother and 11 year old sister is ok well guess shes nearly 12 now i want to be a celeb like you but i aint sure where 2 start and i also wants 2 live in america but my
parents moan that i need some1 2 support me as i want 2 live in florida loved all your movies i aint seen herbie yet but the clips i have seen are kool

sorry if i am rambling on lol i would like to know your addy so i can talk to you but if u think im a pain following you, then you dont need 2 add my email addy.

nice talking to you lindsey bye bye xxxxxxx



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March 05, 2006

Oscar Preview In A Nutshell

From The American Princess:

Were it not for Hollywood, these people would be serving your food, cleaning your homes and parking your cars, which is a main reason that we give thanks, every year, that someone has the intestinal fortitude to organize a meeting, serve them free booze and award them prizes for going three full months not wearing makeup, and working opposite Billy Bob Thornton.
EM will be liveblogging the Academy Awards tonight at Wizbang Pop, so you might want to turn the sound down and read her while you watch.

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February 12, 2006

Dick Cheney's Hunting Foul

From AP:

. . . Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shoot at a covey of quail.

Whittington shot a bird and went to look for it in the tall grass, while Cheney and the third hunter walked to another spot and discovered a second covey.

Whittington 'came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn't signal them or indicate to them or announce himself,' Armstrong said.

'The vice president didn't see him,' she continued. 'The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good.'

Allow me to be the first blogger to make the "another case of faulty intelligence gone awry" joke.

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January 21, 2006

Narcissistic Quote Of The Day

With the position that I've kind of come into I'm in a place where I can really make an impact on people and really help girls that are, you know, people with anorexia, people that aren't in good relationships with their lovers Â… people that don't get along with their parents. I can change that a little bit.

Then again, maybe nobody gives a rat's what you think.

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December 20, 2005

Bo Blows Blood

"Former" is right. lol

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November 27, 2005

Aspiring LL Stalker E-mail Of The Week

Yep, i'm still getting emails from LL fans all over the world, based on my humorous post from nine months ago. i don't know what's more absurd, the number of LL fans out there, or the fact that so many of them seem to lack any sense of irony.

Here's the latest one:

Hi, I'm [name redacted] from belgium (so my English isn't good at all but i'm going to try it) I love Lindsay Lohan, she is so beautiful, she is HOT. So my point is : if you got the e-mail, or phone number of Lindsay please give it to me, she is the perfect girl I just want to see her in Real, and I want to be her friend. She is a idol fot every girl, I like her style, the way she dresses her self, everything. You probably think that I'm a freak of her, but not I that way, you know. I'm 16 years old and please say against Lindsay that there is someone in Belgium who's a great fan of her. And maybe if I graduate when I'm 18, my parents said I could study in the USA, to play baseball also because it's my sport, maybe I will be a pro someday and maybe then Lindsay wil meet me ( Maybe), It's my dream to be a pro baseballer, and to have Lindsay as my girlfriend !!, and if that dream ever come true I will be the happiest man of the world I swear, so please introduce me to Lindsay if you ever got her e-mail or phonenumber.

Thanks for listening to me, it means a lot

[name redacted]

How sweet. i hope he gets to be her boyfriend someday, and if he does i hope he's smart enough to do all the driving.

Update: It's not looking good for Belgium dude. This is how LL treats people who are not in her social stratosphere.

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August 01, 2005

MJ Update

Debbie Schlussel explains why acquited child molester MJ is moving to Bahrain. What a surprise.

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July 14, 2005

This Blog Has Two Audiences

Want a laugh? Go check out the comments to what has become my most popular post ever: "My E-Mail To L!nds@y Loh@n."

Lately, every couple of days someone has been commenting to that post. i guess google searches for L!nds@y have increased since the Herbie movie came out, and my site pops up as the number seven result in a search for the sudden waif's e-mail address.

Most of the people who arrive and comment do not seem to have a clue, and think that i am either L!inds@y herself, or a close friend of hers. It's funny. For instance, this chick thinks L!nds@y is in the habit of giving her phone number out to random strangers:

Dear Lindsay or whoever is reading,
Hey, what's up? I would like to know more about Lindsay Lohan. If anyone know her phone no & e-mail or one of them pls give it to me.If this e-mail reads it lindsasy lohan ,can u give me your phone no & e-mail pls. Thanks . Bye
Strange.

Here's someone who took my satirical post way too seriously.

u honestly think Lindsay would respond to that.. and wat makes u think tht by telling her u noe a cool guy shes gonna care.
Well, my post may have been satire, but i wasn't lying when i said that L!nds@y would totally dig on Ken Wheaton, if she only met him.

My post has become a discussion board of sorts for a totally different audience, most likely international, and very obviously young. i am beginning to worry about the state of English language education in the world, now that i've seen a sampling of what passes for spelling and grammar.

well i thing lindsay is the best actris in the world .and herbie fully loaded is the greatest movoe i ever saw. all the movies of linsay i h ave saw but i just want to know if anybody has her email adress i will be great to have it thanks bye
Crikey! i have to admire anyone with the intestinal fortitude to sit through the entire L!nds@y oeuvre. What fascinating conversations one might have. i imagine they might go like this, for instance:

"i love how the auteur combines editing and cinematography in idiosyncratic ways as a commentary on outmoded concepts of "reality" [here make the "quote" gesture with fingers] utilizing both the explicit and implicit narrative meanings in the film Freaky Friday."

"Oh yes, but the subtlety of The Parent Trap is at once delicious and painful as an expression of ambivalent attitudes toward the ideological issue of violence, drawing upon conventions of cinematic realism to characterize the plot structure and mise-en-scene exposition of theme and characters."

"Exactly. I wept."

But most of the comments contain the same question: "How can i get in touch with L!nds@y?" Since i have been silent on the matter, as i can't answer that question, other commenters have offered their advice.

I have several adresses thay all clame to be lindsays I emailed her about amillion times I have mary kate and ashleys but who knows if they are real.
Now there's a question i can answer. They are not real. All four are fake. And spectacular, from what i hear.

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June 26, 2005

Tom's Lost It

Somebody give the man some Prozac.

tomandmatt.gif

More at Wizbang.

[Also, i linked to Beth. Because she said i could.]

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June 22, 2005

Liveblogging The Bug-Eyed Bride Interview (With Casca)

And for the record, letting somebody think somebody they love is dead, when they're not, is quite cruel.

Kill Bill, Vol. 2

In what was most likely a really bad idea, i decided to ask Casca to help me live-blog the Jennifer Wilbanks interview that aired last night with Kiki Kouric on NBC.

But i'll be damned if i'm going to waste an hour of my life (and Casca's) live-blogging that shit and not post about the stupid thing.

You've probably already heard the main sound bite from the show. The bride took a bottle of pills on the bus with her, but decided "not to play God." Someone needs to tell John Mason that any girl who considered killing herself rather than marrying him, may not be "the one." Cut your losses dude.

Anyway, here's some excerpts from my IM critique with Casca: more...

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June 21, 2005

E.T. Extra Tonight Lies Of The Day

Generic entertainment news host/bimbo:

Denise Richards is finally breaking her silence about Charlie, her new baby, and her career.
. . . ummm . . .

. . . what career?

Kelly Monaco on her new dance routine for Dancing with the Stars:

And I'm doing the split for the first time in my life.
. . . Ummm . . .

. . . i seriously doubt that.

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June 08, 2005

E.T. Tonight Lies Of The Day

Russell Crowe blamed his phone throwing incident on jetlag, loneliness and adrenaline.

Billy Bob Thornhill wished "Angie" the best and hoped her premiere goes really well.

Emily has some advice for Tom and Katie.

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June 07, 2005

Handicapping Bewitched

Is Bewitched with Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman going to be worth seeing? Or will it follow in the long tradition of sucky movies based on tv shows that were cool. (e.g. Dragnet, Wild Wild West, The Addams Family, Lost In Space, The Flintstones.) Please don't let there be a drug ring or terrorist conspiracy that needs to be foiled by Samantha and Darrin.

What should the new Bewitched have going for it, logically?

1. Nicole Kidman. Always wonderful, any movie she is in is worth a look.
2. The understated comic talent of Will Ferrell. (i wonder if they'll replace him halfway through the movie with Will Smith, and nobody notices.)
3. A Nora Ephron screenplay.
4. Michael Caine. Everything i said about Nicole is doubly true for this man.
5. Shirley MacLaine as Endora.

However, i don't have high hopes for the remake. i watched the disappointing trailers. The screenplay is apparently a movie-within-a-movie plot, with Ferrell and Kidman playing playing actors in a Bewitched remake. But Kidman's character is a witch in real life too. That augurs ill for a fan of the original like myself.

Also, it looks like they're going to fuck with the original theme song melody. If you're going to go old school by doing a remake in the first place, go old school all the way. i don't know why moviemakers insist on going after an audience of people nostalgic for an old series, then refuse to give them what they want.


In other unrelated entertainment news, tonight's lie of the day from E.T. Tonight is the following:

Brad Pitt says he thinks his seven year marriage to Jennifer Aniston was a total success.

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June 06, 2005

The Celebrity Liars Show

E.T. Tonight should be subtitled "The Celebrity Liars Show." It pains me to watch E.T. Tonight, but i consider it a duty to my own "Celebrity Watch" rubric. In tonight's episode, the obvious, bold-faced celebrity lies included the following:

Angelina Jolie said she would never be attracted to a man who cheats on his wife.

Russell Crowe's spokesperson said Crowe actually threw the phone at a wall after the concierge gave him "attitude." Yah right. You don't get to be concierge at a world class five-star hotel by being anything but obsequious to the rich and famous.

Katie Holmes said "engagement" is something she and Tom haven't talked about. Someone please stop the hype about this boring couple.

and perhaps the most laughable,

Lindsay Lohan said her shocking weight loss is merely the result of "growing up."

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May 24, 2005

Twisted Trivia

Don't ask me how i came up with this one. It's too bizarre.


Match the celebrity lip defect to the correct lip quadrant on the diagram.

lipdiagram.jpg


a. Elvis' sneer.

b. Stacy Keach's harelip.

c. Dick Cheney's halliburtonlip.

d. Greta Van Susternernen's plastic surgery leftover.

extra credit: What's up with Tina Fey's cheek?


Good luck. There will be no prize.

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May 12, 2005

Overheard On Renee and Kenny's Wedding Night?

Hellooo Mummy!*

Seriously i wish them luck.
_______________

* If you haven't seen Bridget Jones' Diary, move along.

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May 04, 2005

Idiots Shouldn't Breed

So Cameran Diaz and Ashton Kutcher Timberlake are finally getting married?! Well, i sure hope they don't breed.

And i'd like to get in on the divorce pool, too. i'll pick sixteen months.

While their eventual breakup is a metaphysical certainty, i'm still waiting for Cameren to recant her ridiculously ugly prediction, made on the Ofrah show last year, that if women didn't vote (i.e. if Bush won) rape would become legal in the United States.

Well, as far as i am aware, the Rape Legalization Act has yet to be introduced into either house of Congress, despite the Republican majorities and the religious theocracy i keep hearing about. Oh, and i'm still waiting for Cher's prediction to come true. You know the one where we Republicans are supposed to round up all her gay friends and exile them to some remote state somewhere.

Still waiting. Idiots.

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March 28, 2005

Memo To Lara Spencer

Tonight i heard* Pat O'Brien's replacement on The Insider say that the Aniston/Pitt divorce was "the breakup that everyone hoped would never happen."

Um, that's not exactly true. i can name at least one person who didn't give a flying fuck one way or the other.
_______________

* Okay, the only reason i was watching was because my roommate had it on in the living room while i was fixing dinner, and she apparently doesn't mind the los of brain cels, which inevitaby folows waching a haf hour of that shit.

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February 22, 2005

My E-Mail To Lindsay Lohan

Okay, yah. i checked out Paris Hilton's phone book. Not much interested me in there, but i did find Lindsay Lohan's phone number and e-mail address. So i got this brilliant brain flash. i thought i'd do a good deed for a friend. i hope he appreciates it. i know he's single, and i know how much he likes her so... more...

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