And for the record, letting somebody think somebody they love is dead, when they're not, is quite cruel.

―Kill Bill, Vol. 2

But i'll be damned if i'm going to waste an hour of my life (and Casca's) live-blogging that shit and not post about the stupid thing.

You've probably already heard the main sound bite from the show. The bride took a bottle of pills on the bus with her, but decided "not to play God." Someone needs to tell John Mason that any girl who considered killing herself rather than marrying him, may not be "the one." Cut your losses dude.

Anyway, here's some excerpts from my IM critique with Casca: Immediately, the conversation focused on physical appearances.

annikagyrl: the bug-eye is not that hott
Casca: she's hideous, and crazier than most. who could sleep next to that? i'd be waiting for the knife in the chest
annikagyrl: yah, she's another lorena bobbit waiting to happen, no doubt
Casca: OMG, what an ugly child
annikagyrl: john mason's no looker either
Casca: "well hell, you KNEW she was nutz"
annikagyrl: he looks like a georgia bulldog
annikagyrl: that's twice he's made that "huuuuh" noise, what a doofus
Casca: his haircut is gay
annikagyrl: nice page boy haircut, doofbag
Casca: he's a vulcan. did you see that ear?
annikagyrl: she looks romulan to me, too
Casca: lol. her face is fucked up
annikagyrl: yah its asymmetrical
Casca: she's gonna be damned ugly in ten years
annikagyrl: hahaah! if i was kiki, i'd ask her how her face got all bent
annikagyrl: HE IS A VULCAN look at those ibrows
Casca: definitely Spock's bastard child
annikagyrl: or he's a hobbit, a tall one
Casca: look at that bizarre skin on the side of her face
annikagyrl: what is that ?

Kiki gets up close and personal, with a sappy background piece on the bride.

annikagyrl: "an idyllic southern upbringing" lol
annikagyrl: i'm waiting for the incest joke, casca
Casca: i'll bet she DOES kiss daddy on the lips
annikagyrl: haha there it is, "she still kisses her dad on the lips!!!!"
annikagyrl: hahaaha
Casca: with tongue and everything!
annikagyrl: "she alternated between mommy and daddy on the weekends.....!"
annikagyrl: lolololool
annikagyrl: noooooooooo

Next i begin cracking on Kiki.

annikagyrl: they call it "A Katie Couric Special"
annikagyrl: gowd, i hate kiki
annikagyrl: i wonder when kiki and al roker are going to go public with their illicit affair?
Casca: Al's too nice of a guy to wallow with that skank

The groom reveals that he was indeed a partyer in his younger days. Casca and i were skeptical.

annikagyrl: hahahaha
annikagyrl: he was wild???
Casca: party animal and virgin
Casca: doesn't really mix
annikagyrl: haha. he's like "Lee Harvey... when you stole that cow... and your friends tried to make it with the cow?"
Casca: yeah
annikagyrl: "i wanna party with you cowboy!"

The groom says that the two of them decided to save themselves for their wedding night. Again, we were skeptical.

Casca: well, premarital sex was out of the question for one of them
annikagyrl: it was out of the question cuz her dance card was full, with all her other fuckbuddies
Casca: sadly close to the truth

Then a shocking revelation. They had planned a dry wedding!

Casca: OMG
Casca: a DRY wedding?
Casca: i'd rather be neutered
annikagyrl: there is no such thing as a dry wedding, you of all people should know that
Casca: good point
annikagyrl: lol, i went to a dry wedding once
annikagyrl: i still got plastered, that's what purses are for

Boredom began to set in, and the conversation strayed.

annikagyrl: i had an excellent bowl of top ramen tonight for dinner
annikagyrl: the secret is teriyaki sauce
annikagyrl: and lots of pepper
annikagyrl: and veg-all if you got it
Casca: i ate a seven bone roast
Casca: and baked beans
Casca: had to take a break in the middle
Casca: whew
annikagyrl: mmmm
annikagyrl: baked beans
annikagyrl: did i mention that i hate kiki kouric?

Kiki Kouric managed to do a whole hour without adding any new information to this already tired story, sending me into a frenzy of Kiki hatred.

annikagyrl: it was a life or death decision for her?
Casca: yeah
annikagyrl: okay kiki, now ask her the "why" question...
annikagyrl: kiki you suck
annikagyrl: kiki shure can draw out a half hour show into a full fucking waste of an hour can't she?
annikagyrl: fucckckckckc Kiki, do you have to ask the same question twice?! oh she is so annoying
annikagyrl: Howard Stern should be doing this interview
Casca: OH YES! that would be genius
annikagyrl: she denies reports that she was headed there to see an old boyfriend, and kiki doesn't challenge her on that denial
annikagyrl: what a fucking loser, kiki you suck
annikagyrl: shit, kiki, don't fucking ask any question that anyone might care about the fucking answer to, nooo don't do that...
annikagyrl: she won't answer the "why" question
annikagyrl: she won't say why she slandered a whole ethnicity. what good is this fucking intvw?
Casca: it's all about feelings
annikagyrl: i'm going to strangle Kiki
Casca: nothing more than feelings
annikagyrl: kiki, you fucking suck, ask a fucking question you bitch
Casca: feelings of loooooove
annikagyrl: kiki has failed on all accounts, she hasnt asked anything that might elicit new information, and she hasn't made the bug-eye look more sympathetic
Casca: feeeeeeelings
annikagyrl: it's all tripe
Casca: woooohhhhooohh feeeeeelings
annikagyrl: i'm going to strangle you Casca

Actually, the big news of the interview was the revelation that while the groom still wants to get married, the bride is still reluctant.

annikagyrl: oh, so they aren't still engaged, or what?
Casca: they're not getting married
annikagyrl: ohhhhhhoaho, she's the one who's still holding back. did you catch that?
Casca: yeah
annikagyrl: and she's the one who says, "I'm not sure I'm the right woman for him." that's the oldest excuse in the book: "it's not you, it's me..."
Casca: well, even if she doesnt' marry him
Casca: she still gets to keep the moolah
annikagyrl: bug-eye is loving this attention, she is a selfish narcissist

Apparently, the wedding gifts are stashed away someplace, even though there's no new wedding date.

annikagyrl: You are kidding me, they haven't given back the gifts?
Casca: nope
annikagyrl: that's fraud!
Casca: actually, would you want your gift back?
annikagyrl: yes i would want it back, because i usually only give gifts of things that i secretly want for myself
Casca: lol

Well, that's about it.

i apologize to you, gentle visitor, and to Casca for making him watch that piece of shit. My sincere hope for all of us is that this blog post will be the last time we'll ever have to hear about that stupid runaway bride.

Posted by: annika at 11:27 PM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
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