i so appreciate the kind words, advice and encouragement you all have sent me. It's really heartwarming to read the comments and e-mails, and your suggestions are very welcome. i also appreciate the stories of hard decisions and their results that a lot of you have sent me, too. Makes me feel like i'm not alone. Also, i learned that some of you are contemplating even bigger life changes than me and to you i say, good luck. i'll be pulling for you, too.

i'm probably going to accept the offer from the good school. i spoke to a number of friends and some lawyers at work, who were also very helpful and encouraging. The partner i worked for told me that he would recommend me for a clerkship or part time job during the school year at their branch office up there.

My Dad seems okay with it. He says, "well we'll just have to go visit you." But i know he wanted me to go to UCLA, or Pepperdine. i didn't get into UCLA, but Pepperdine was his second choice for me because they're a relatively conservative law school. Still, he understands that the scholarship changes the equation.

My Mom remains the tough nut. She really laid it on thick last night. And it's not a situation of her desires vs. my desires. i don't want to leave her. It's not an easy decision for me. She suggested that i go for one year and try again to transfer to UCLA. That seems like an unwise way to go. i'm told law school transfers are not as easy as undergrad, nor are they a good idea, since it's only three years. It's better to stick with the same program. My plan is to convince her that three years is not that long, i'll visit every month or so, and that i will plan on coming back here when i'm done. She seemed really sad and worried last night, though. Which makes me feel like a total shithole.

Posted by: annika at 11:20 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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Bear with me. Stream of consciousness and all that.*

Sometimes you build a life and when it's built you say, that's good, i like it, i think i'll stay here for a while. Then you congratulate yourself, but it's all vanity. You have no control over where you'll be, or what, from one day to the next. And you think you can insulate yourself from the hard choices, but God finds a way to stir things up anyway. And it sucks.

No, i'm not pregnant.

i got accepted to a pretty good law school. Trouble is, it was a fallback school, because it's in a place that i had not planned to move to. To make things "worse," they offered me a scholarship. A big one. Too much money to just dismiss. i got into some other schools too, but they didn't offer to take me for free, and they're not as good.

The whole damn reason i left all my friends, save one, and moved here to L.A. was to be near my parents. It's part guilt and part love. They're getting up there in years. Both of them have had health problems recently and i've been glad to be here and near them. i don't want to be away and get the call. You know the call i'm talking about. i don't want to know that i wasn't here for them. My brother is useless in these things. It's gotta be me, to take care of them if they need it.

Oh, they're fine now. Perfect health. i'm just afraid, really terrified something will happen and i won't be here. That's the guilt part. My Dad can take care of himself better than my Mom, but he's the one with the more serious health problems. Still, sometimes i go through life just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Maybe it's guilt that says i can't accept something nice happening to me. Maybe i'm just a baby who after all these years can't leave my parents. i think back on the other times when i was at a crossroads and i always picked the secure road, forsaking the road to adulthood. Colby is the big one. i could be married now, but i couldn't jump into that really big unknown. When he came back and wanted to give it a second try, i bugged out on him.

Oh, the self-pity and wailing and melancholy over such good news. What's wrong with me. Most people accept change in their lives. Most people look for it. People are always trying to move forward. i didn't want to, really. i'm happy doing what i'm doing. Working one day to the next, looking forward to each weekend, and then the next. Not making any plans. i'll quit smoking when i'm ready, etc.

The damn LSAT came back and it was good. A few points lower than i'd hoped, but still good enough to open a lot of possibilities. Too good not to apply to Law School. Then the applications went out. A couple of rejections from some places i'd been counting on. Wait-listed at a reach. Then this one.

i suppose i'll have to go. It's only three years. Really, i want to go. I'm excited about going, despite what i've typed above. Really excited. It's just that i seem to want to cry every time i think about leaving my parents. And i don't even visit them all that often. Certainly not as often as i should. And when i do visit, perhaps i grumble and argue a bit more than i should too. Maybe that's part of the guilt trip.

At the root, i have a big problem doing things for me alone. i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It keeps one from being too selfish. i'm very aware of not wanting to be selfish. Though i think i am. Egotistical too. Hell, i write a blog, i got a big ego. i just don't want a big ego. But i gotta do something for me sometime. i can't keep putting it off, like i had wanted to.

The choice is this. Take the better opportunity, push myself, and deal with the worry. Or take a lesser opportunity and coast. If i go up north again, i will have to come back to L.A. a lot, if only to assuage my worries and so they won't miss me. i'll miss the people and the life i've built here, but i may like it up there too.

It's so hard to decide. i've known for a long time that i am a very indecisive person. Lacking real ambition too. Lazy, etc. Whatever.

i have to let them know by Monday.

* Written in a horrible fit of self-doubt, and pity. Not to be construed as the way the blog's author is actually normally in real life. Just a look inside her soul, for a little bit. Aaaack! A word from God would be good right about now.

Posted by: annika at 09:51 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
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"Hi Mom, is Derrick there?"

"Hold on sweetie, i'll get him."

Long pause, then Mom came on the phone again.

"Annie."

"Yah?"

"Derrick said he's kinda busy right now. He's in the middle of something. He'll call you back later."

"What's he doing?"

"I think he said he was pulling his throttle body."

"Ooo-kay Mom . . . ," i giggled, "i guess he'll need some privacy then."

(Hey, what do i know about cars?)

Posted by: annika at 10:05 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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