May 25, 2004

Moving Again

On Friday i will be moving once again, this time to the great central valley of California. An friend of mine from Cal, named Colleen, will be starting her third year at the law school where i will start this fall. As luck would have it, she lives in a four bedroom house and two of her roommates moved out this month. Since she needs two roommates right away and i agreed to move up early. i spent last weekend packing and transferring some of my belongings to my parents' house. It's been a very busy and hectic couple of weeks. i hate moving.

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May 19, 2004

Oops i Did It Again?

One of the running themes of my work life, my leitmotif if you will, is the "firmwide e-mail regarding dress code violations." i have been the unnamed cause of two such e-mails in the past, at two different offices, and it seems i may have become the inspiration for yet another at my present workplace.

i can't be sure though. My dress has become much more professional as my job responsibilities have increased. Still, on the occasion of this morning's e-mail, i decided to do a thorough examination of conscience, just to be sure.


O great and powerful H.R. person. It has been one and a half years since my last confession. Since then, i have . . .

Let me see that list . . .

Beachwear: Is that like a bikini? Okay. i'm good. i hope i have enough sense to know that i can't wear a bikini to work.

Halter tops: i'm okay there too. Unless you count company picnics.

Tank Tops: Oops. Maybe on a casual Friday or two.

Shorts: Shit. You got me there. i had no idea shorts were illegal. But i've only been wearing them on Fridays.

Severe Mini-Skirts: Define severe? Is that like leather?

Shirts with offensive language or slogans: You mean like Bush/Cheney 2004?

Flip Flops or Sandals: Guilty on both counts.

Leggings, Tights, Stirrup Pants: Nope. But you might want to walk down the hall and check out what a certain heiffer is wearing today.

Capri Pants, Pedal Pushers, or Flood Pants: Shit, those are out too? i love capris! And as for flood pants, go check out the I.S. guy, for Pete's sake.

Backless or Strapless Clothing: Come on. i'm not that much of a tart.

Sweat, Warm-Up, Jogging Suits or Workout Attire: Go check out the heiffer tomorrow.

Hats, Caps: Only on days that the Lakers play.

Denim shirts: i'm good.

T-shirts or sweatshirts: Only on casual day.

Midriff tops or sweaters: Okay, i push the envelope a bit on this one. But it's hard finding a top that doesn't creep up just a little as the day goes on.

Stone washed or severely faded denim pants or skirts: Not me. Come on, the eighties are so over.

Spandex: Don't make me laugh.

Overalls/jumpers: Only on days when i plan to do carpentry. Or play on the jungle gym. Gimme a break.

Painter or cargo pants: i've been known to wear cargo pants, and for that i'm sorry.

Workout attire, bike pants: i wouldn't need the extra padding of bike shorts if the chairs in the lunch room were more comfortable. Just kidding. i'd never.

Work/combat boots: LOL, no.

Sneaker/tennis/athletic shoes: Guilty.

Excessive jewelry: Do the tongue and belly studs count?

Stained, ripped, torn or wrinkled clothing: Not at all.

See through clothing: You mean i can't wear this outfit?

Low cut clothing: Not me. i have nothing to show off. You might want to take a look at the receptionist, though. That is if you can see past the crowd of male associates surrounding her.

Sunglasses in the building: Maybe once or twice after a hard night.

O great and benevolent H.R. person, i am heartily sorry for having offended thee. And i detest all my dress code violations because of thy just punishment. But most of all, because they offend thy delicate sensibilities, O great H.R. wench, who art all prude and needs to get a life. i firmly resolve, with the help of thy firm-wide e-mails, to violate the dress code no more, and to avoid the near occasion of style.

Amen.

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May 14, 2004

My New Healthy Lifestyle

Friday at work is my most healthy day. It's casual day, so i can wear a t-shirt and shorts and go for a walk at lunchtime.

But now i just learned that my other Friday habit is also very healthful for me. i'm talking about the binge drinking that usually commences at about 5:15 p.m. each Friday.

New evidence of the benefits of moderate alcohol use comes from research that identifies a physiological mechanism that apparently links regular consumption of beer to better cardiovascular health in older men and women.
Sounds good. i'm not necessarily in the "older" category, although some days i feel like it. i'm also curious what they mean by "moderate."
'Moderate' in this context is defined as up to 30 grams of alcohol a day for men and up to 20 grams a day for women. For reference, a Dutch glass of beer contains about 10 grams of alcohol, while a U.S. glass contains about 12 grams.
Okay, so that's roughly two glasses of beer a day for women. Since i don't usually drink during the week, that means i should have fourteen glasses tonight.

Cool.

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May 10, 2004

The Sporadic Blogger

Trying to get her living situation in order. Trying to find a roommate and an apartment by long distance. Trying to spend the last few weeks of quality time with family, best friend, cute/sad boyfriend, without crying all the time. Trying to figure out how i'm going to afford everything: rent, food, books (text, horn, fiction, etc.), beer, DVDs, gasoline. Deciding whether to continue working, blogging, exercising, smoking, dancing, reading, writing, shopping, etc.

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May 06, 2004

A Lot Of People Don't Realize...

A lot of people don't realize that i was originally cast for the role of Phoebe in the very first Friends pilot episode. Yes, it's true. They saw me in my high school production of Camelot, and apparently thought i'd be great for the dumb blonde part.

Another little known fact is that the series was originally set in Cancun. This was simply an excuse to keep us all in bathing suits, for marketing reasons. We filmed the pilot during one hazy debauched weekend on the beach and at a club called, coincidentally, Los Amigos. Matt LeBlanc does look great in jammies, by the way.

The reason they decided not to use me in the final cast might have had something to do with my well known weakness for tequila. Plus the fact that i kept shouting "lime!" then giggling uncontrollably when i'd forget my lines. Matt Perry thought that was hilarious.

i'm dissapointed that they fired me, of course. A million dollars an episode would come in handy right about now. But it's for the best, i guess. i would have spent it all on rehab anyway. i am glad that i did leave my own little mark on the show when i came up with the genesis for Phoebe's famous "Smelly Cat" song.

It was originally entitled "Shitty Cat," which was changed to "Crappy Cat," when the network decided that they needed to air the show before ten o'clock at night. i wrote that song during my "cat poetry" phase. Another fine example from that genre can be found here.

i still keep in touch with my "friends" and usually find myself calling on them when my gambling debts become a bit unmanageable. Jeniffer Aniston is always willing to spare me a few c-notes when she can, usually sending them over through an intermediary since she, for some reason, refuses to meet with me in person anymore.

i don't know how many times one should be expected to apologize for an innocent question to someone's husband. i simply asked Brad about the extent of his knowledge of Trojans. You know, he plays a trojan in that movie, so i didn't see what the big deal was, but she made such a stink about it.

But i'm really closest to David Swimmer, who let me in on a little secret about tonight's finale episode. i can't reveal too much, but i will tell you that all six characters end up in a small-town jail, accused of the crime of "criminal indifference."

Wait a minute, that's not right.

You know, a lot of people don't realize i was originally cast for the role of Elaine in the pilot episode of Seinfeld . . .

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