just trying to eat my waffles

April 18, 2005

Interview Questions

It's interview season. And if there's one thing i've learned, it's that interviewing is a game.

There are two types of interview questions. The ones they ask you and the ones you're supposed to ask them. The ones they ask you are easy to answer if you read enough guidebooks and have some idea of how to sell yourself. The ones you're supposed to ask them are just plain stupid.

That's because there's really only two questions that you need to ask, and you can't ask either of them. They are:

1. How much are you gonna pay me? and
2. How much work do i have to do?

The first question makes you sound greedy and selfish, when you need to sound as though all you care about is how much you can help them. The second question just makes you sound like a slacker. You should never sound like a slacker, even if you are one.

So instead you end up asking the lamest questions, which you memorize from the back of one of those interview guides. Here are some gems:

What qualities would you expect the successful candidate to possess?

Ugh, "the successful candidate?" Please shoot me if i ever talk like that.

Do you have a mentor program?

Mentor? i don't need no stinking mentor. i don't want no stinking mentor.

How would you describe your management style?

Hmm. i prefer non-existent.

Does your firm encourage participation in pro-bono or volunteer work?

Pro-bono? Like i have time for that shit. On my off hours, i intend to be medicated. Just tell me how much you're gonna pay me.

What do people like most/least about working here?

Uhh yah. That's sure to get an honest answer.

What do you see as the overall growth areas for the firm in the next few years?

Like i give a crap. i know i'll be doing hours of mind-numbing discovery on whatever case my partner assigns me, and then i'll watch as he cherry picks my billables. So again, just tell me how much you're gonna pay me.

Besides the above mentioned two most important questions, which you can't ask, i came up with some other useful questions, which you also cannot ask. Like:

Is your firm personal-call friendly?
Who are the hot single non-gay prospects around this place?
What's your hangover policy? Do you want me to come in, or stay home? Cuz if i come in, i'm not gonna be much good to anybody, lemme tell ya.
Do i have to wear hose?
Do i have to wear shoes?
What's your freak/snitch/bitch/pompous-ass : normal person ratio?
What about a company credit card? Any chance of that?
Company car? No? How 'bout a masseuse?
Do i get the corner office?

i wish i had the guts to ask some of those questions. But unfortunately, interviewing is a game you gotta play by the rules.

Posted by: annika at 11:03 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 473 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Guess you won't be coming to my Washington law firm anytime soon, then (I work in IT under contract at one).

Posted by: Victor at April 19, 2005 06:07 AM (L3qPK)

2 That's some funny-ass-shit, Annika. I wish I had asked about our company hangover policy before I started... I end every interview with the same question & follow-up statement: "After everything we've talked about, I qualified for this job?" --- If you've had a good interview, and set the interviewer up for the correct answer, they will always answer "Yes." At this point, I immediately follow-up with, "Then I'd like to receive an offer from your company." (assuming that you do want an offer). This let's the company know that you are interested in working for them.

Posted by: Robbie at April 19, 2005 06:11 AM (lbWbV)

3 I feel ya on this post, girl. I'm currently suffering through the same agony. I wish we could just go in there, grab the hiring partner by the shoulders, give him a good shake, and say, "Listen buddy, just hire me. I promise I won't be the one who fucks shit up the most around here. Plus I'm cute -- that's gotta count for something, right?" Think that would work??

Posted by: ginger at April 19, 2005 06:20 AM (g2QG2)

4 I think one question that sort of covers some of those you can't ask, but is usually okay to ask, is for the interviewer to "describe the culture of the office." It can be a diplomatic way of saying, "Do people come in early/stay late, or are you all clockwatchers?" and "What's the dress code like?" and "Do most employees go out for lunch or eat in the conference room?" etc. Sometimes you can get some good stuff out of that, and it's stuff you want to know. I actually chose not to take a job after asking that question, because one of the things my interviewer said was, "Our work day starts at 8:30 and we really don't look kindly on people who are showing up at 8:35 or 8:40." I currently have the glorious benefit of flexible hours, and as spoiled as it may make me sound, I tend to run late. (In my current job, I more than make up for arriving fifteen minutes late most days, since I stay until 6 or 7 most nights.) I knew I wouldn't function well in an environment with such a strict clock, and besides, there were some other weird responses to my questions, and so I turned down the job. Ooh, here's another one - I asked about professional development opportunities, and was told that "they didn't waste money on conferences, because they had the best experts in house." I'm not down with that, because I've gotten my best ideas from conferences, and besides, free travel. So, you know, I don't know if that helps, but those two have always been pretty revealing questions for me.

Posted by: Lorie at April 19, 2005 07:05 AM (PPPwU)

5 HA! Too funny. I'm looking for a new job, gonna be doing interviews again, and I'm dreading it. Hate all that kabuki dance crap.

Posted by: Ron at April 19, 2005 07:26 AM (XCbTD)

6 I think best questions show you're serious about your career, e.g., What kind of work do junior associates do? When was last time you (or the firm) went to trial? What was the result? What kind of cases/clinets does the firm have? What is the percentage of revenue of the largest client--i.e., is the firm sufficiently arbitraged against a big client leaving? Why do people leave the firm? How many have left in the last year/from your class? Where do they go? Does the firm have an "alumni" program? What is usual staffing on cases? What do you like best/worst about this firm? What is unique about this firm compared to other big firms?

Posted by: Roach at April 19, 2005 07:39 AM (MRlvg)

7 Not just the interview, Annie, life. Life is a game. Play it for all it is worth. Just keep doing it the way you do and you will end up on top of it.

Posted by: shelly at April 19, 2005 11:29 AM (6mUkl)

8 Hilarious post. Yes, it is interview season. I almost don't want to get my bar results on the 29th. Almost.

Posted by: Micah at April 19, 2005 05:42 PM (v/oTo)

9 One more question that can't be asked: "Just how "flex" is your flextime policy, really?" I found out that I can only flex one hour in the direction I wanted it to flex, and I have to take at least a half hour for lunch, even if I munch my sandwich at my desk while I work.

Posted by: Desert Cat at April 20, 2005 09:22 PM (xdX36)

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April 01, 2005

Not An April Fools Joke...

Just an April fool.

Today is my birthday!

Posted by: annika at 12:06 AM | Comments (37) | Add Comment
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