The bawdy dictator:

I Wish I Had A Candle And A Fine Woman

I wish I had a candle and a fine woman.
These finer things are meant for men like me.
Not meant for kurd-man, shiite or the jew-man,
whom i buried in mass graves oÂ’er by that tree.
You understand what women give to me,
but wherefor say I candle? Do you ask?
To know how waxen tapers meet my need,
picture me, Uday, and my friend monsieur Jacques.
TÂ’was many years ago, on a debauch
in LondonÂ’s town or was it AmsterdamÂ’s?
We caught a sex show -- wonderment to watch.
This chick had knockers like two great big hams.
Now what I’m ‘bout to tell you, keep hush-hush.
She did things with that candle made me blush.

Posted by: annika at 06:10 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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A Perfect Woman, My Sons

not too smart
not too dumb
not too old
not too young
not too pretty
not too skank
find such a girl
no need to wank

Posted by: annika at 10:14 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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You're like sons to me
so i give you this advice:
don't eat with wipe hand.

Posted by: annika at 10:12 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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My respect for Susan Estrich just went up about a tenth of a point. Of course, when she's starting out in negative figures that doesn't mean a whole lot, but still. Read her Liberal's Defense of Fox News.

Link hat tip to Kate of Small Dead Animals.

Posted by: annika at 09:23 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Mass murdering dictators can have good taste in snack items.

Who knew?

Unfortunately, any sympathy he might have gotten from me by sharing my favorite junk food obsession, he relinquished by calling Dan Rather "a good guy."

But also, Saddam apparently likes to relax in prison by writing poetry among other things. i'm terribly curious to read his poetry, but i imagine it will be a long time before i see any of it published.

So in the interim, i've written a haiku that, while it was not written by the Butcher of Baghdad, i could imagine him having written something very similar during a reflective moment behind bars.

homburg on my head
twelve gauge at my hip goes POW!
good times, bro, good times...

Posted by: annika at 12:01 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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You should read the translation of an article by Saudi writer Nadine Al-Baydar, which i found at the Watching America blog. Here's some excerpts:

I gazed at the walls of [my brother's] room and asked him: 'You want to boycott America like your teacher told you to?' He bobbed his head up and down in agreement. So I said: 'Then take down all these posters of famous wrestlers and rock stars, stop wearing your American-style clothes, quit watching their movies, toss out your personal computer, change your Western-inspired haircut, and replace your way of living that is so taken by the American culture with something elseÂ…[']

He immediately interrupted me: 'Come on, sis, I was only joking!'

It is not just my brother who is only joking, but it is all Arab peoples who have a bland sense of humor when they declare their hatred for America and their decision to be free of Western culture. That is because there isnÂ’t an Arab or Muslim person who can survive without the products of American culture. And how could they, when Arab nations are to this day nations of consumers and not producers, nations who do nothing to encourage their citizens to be creative, and nations who never created the right environment for innovation. These are nations that are more inclined to procrastination and dependence; nations who are fighting a war against terror while their curricula recommend just the opposite.

. . .

If we did some research to find out the number of places for entertainment in the Arab world, we would find that it is many orders of magnitude larger than the number of factories or places of learning. The Arab citizen is a hardcore entertainment junky whose brain leans toward intellectual and scientific stagnation. If you were to look for the majority of Arabs in any tourist country, you would only find them sitting in cafes, watching each other and boasting to one another. Some might be found quenching their thirst at the local pub, before returning to the homeland to put on an impersonation of a pious hermit, and start preaching from their holier-than-thou pulpits.

. . .

Did the Arabs lift a finger to help the people of Kosovo when they were suffering from Serbian persecution? They gathered a few donations, but it was America who saved Kosovo. The Arabs did nothing to aid the women of Afghanistan when they were forbidden an education, and when the Afghani people were robbed of the chance for a normal life. America had to come in and rid the region of the backward Taliban regime.

The fear that the Arabs had for the prestige of their governments was more important to them than the injustices that the Iraqis were living under. Not one Arab government condemned the Halabja massacre and the Iraqi loss of life. It was America, and only America, who toppled SaddamÂ’s regime, while the Arabs stood by denouncing the American intervention in Iraq.

. . .

Saying that America is targeting the Arabs is a weak and untrue statement: We saw how the U.S. Secretary of State stressed that democracy in Russia had many problems, when she was visiting there a few months ago. It is also well known that the United States had supported the Georgian opposition against the dictatorship there. During the annual session of the Organization of American States this year, Condoleezza Rice emphasized the fragility of democracy in Venezuela and other countries in Latin America.

Many Arabs and Muslims view America as evil. They curse America and hurl insults at it. Some even bomb it and terrorize it. But America doesnÂ’t have the time to curse back; it is too busy finishing the job it came to do in the Middle East.

Posted by: annika at 11:09 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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i've always believed that much of the far left is anti-semitic as well as anti-Christian. It's just that the anti-semitism had to be kept under wraps because so many Democratic voters are Jewish. In Europe their anti-semitism is open and blatant. Some Democrats in the U.S. would have it that way here too.

At a recent "Bush impeachment festival" held by House Democrats, someone let the cat out of the bag.

The session took an awkward turn when witness Ray McGovern, a former intelligence analyst, declared that the United States went to war in Iraq for oil, Israel and military bases craved by administration 'neocons' so 'the United States and Israel could dominate that part of the world.' He said that Israel should not be considered an ally and that Bush was doing the bidding of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.

'Israel is not allowed to be brought up in polite conversation,' McGovern said. 'The last time I did this, the previous director of Central Intelligence called me anti-Semitic.'

Rep. James P. Moran Jr. (D-Va.), who prompted the question by wondering whether the true war motive was Iraq's threat to Israel, thanked McGovern for his 'candid answer.'

At Democratic headquarters, where an overflow crowd watched the hearing on television, activists handed out documents repeating two accusations -- that an Israeli company had warning of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks and that there was an 'insider trading scam' on 9/11 -- that previously has been used to suggest Israel was behind the attacks.

Democrats, to judge by recent events, appear to be losing their collective minds in some form of shriek therapy. Being out of power may do that to a party used to having its way for many decades in Congress. But there is one other possible explanation for the apparent insanity. With so much money concentrated in the hands of some hard left advocates (think George Soros, Hollywood, trial lawyers, internet millionaires and some union bosses), the Democrats may feel the need to feed the beast - to protect and cater to their hardcore base, so as to keep the money flowing into the political coffers for future campaigns. So the strategy is for Democrats to be completely over the top in their attacks - trashing Bush, America, our military, Republicans, and Israel, all of whom are targets of the activists, to keep the moveon.org and Dailykos crowds happy.

But if the Democrats keep letting their anti-semitic elements have the floor, we should probably expect to hear more thinly veiled anti-Christian fear-mongering by Dean and his ilk, to compensate for the damage.
_______________

* In other words, when Howard Dean uses the statistically inaccurate label "the party of white Christians," he's really using coded language designed to keep secular Jews and people who fear religion in the Democratic camp. Divide and conquer, the age-old Democrat strategy.

Posted by: annika at 09:49 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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1 "traditional Jewish support for the Democratic party is that it is based on a vestigial (although historically justified) fear that Republicans are the party of White Christians, ergo the party of bigots." Bullshit, the historical connection of liberal jews to the Demoncrats has its roots in the socialist politics many jews carried with them from the old world, and shared with the D's in the new. Ten whacks for you, and sit in the back of the class.

Posted by: Casca at June 20, 2005 10:13 PM (qBTBH)

2 I don't think the Democratic Party's far left element has any idea about the power of the new media. They have been saying these things for years, it is just that no one reported it. The best disinfectant is sunshine. Just keep talking morons.

Posted by: Yolo Cowboy at June 20, 2005 10:13 PM (tOZv2)

3 on further reflection, i have deleted the parenthetical.

Posted by: annika at June 20, 2005 10:17 PM (erSH9)

4 All is forgiven. I too drink and write.

Posted by: Casca at June 20, 2005 10:26 PM (qBTBH)

5 Casca is right. The Jews in Europe adopted socialism because it promised equality of income. The Jews thought that to achieve equality of income you had to forget differences in religion. Wrong. The socialist regimes of Germany and Russia both engaged in mass murder of the Jewish people. However, the Jews in America still retained their socialism and left-wing politics in face of those exterminations. Go figure. Bush hatred has moved many Jews (especially in the academic world) to be anti-Israel and pro-Palestinian. It is all part of the madness that is the Democrat Party today.

Posted by: Jake at June 21, 2005 03:27 AM (r/5D/)

6 If the Democrats are so anti-Semitic, why are so many leading Democratic senators Jewish? Do the anti-Semites include Feinstein, Boxer, Feingold, Wyden, and Schumer?

Posted by: Hugo at June 21, 2005 05:56 PM (vXMv1)

7 "However, the Jews in America still retained their socialism and left-wing politics in face of those exterminations. Go figure." Glad to see you put that in the past tense, though. It's changing, finally. Go to Palm Beach County, the most Jewish county in Florida and the second-most Democratic (after Broward) and you'll see the GOP in explosive growth mode. The retirees will always vote mindlessly for the Dems, but other Jewish voters, especially younger ones, don't have that kind of tribal loyalty. I mean, seriously, the irony of Dean calling the Republicans the "white Christian party" wasn't just in getting that from the former governor of lily-white Vermont: Ken Mehlman said something like "all the people who attended my bar mitzvah will be very surprised to hear that." Now, as a Jewish Republican from Massachusetts, I suspect we could still hold a convention in a broom closet, but everything's relative.

Posted by: Dave J at June 22, 2005 01:03 PM (ZKuUj)

8 You don't have to be anti-Semitic to disagree with the way that Israel is treating the Palestinians. There is a lot more going on over there than Fox news decides to tell us

Posted by: joe at June 22, 2005 04:43 PM (wSLCU)

9 Oh my God, you're an idiot. I can't take it. I'm going to sue Slate for linking to you.

Posted by: Jon at June 22, 2005 11:29 PM (Dbae2)

10 It always amazes me that people think it's OK to just randomly toss out insults like that. No argument, no "you're wrong because X, Y and Z," just "you're an idiot," as if it's self-evident and beneath them to justify it. Thanks, Jon, for demonstrating your OBVIOUS intellectual and moral superiority.

Posted by: Dave J at June 23, 2005 08:30 AM (ZKuUj)

11 Divide and conquer is a Republican strategy that has worked well these past 20 years. How did Bush win the last election otherwise? The whole gay issue was a divisive issue designed to divide and conquer.

Posted by: Tony Martin at June 24, 2005 01:45 AM (2sHE4)

12 Tony: so Bush foisted "the gay issue" on the country, then? Funny, I thought it was the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts that did that.

Posted by: Dave J at June 24, 2005 08:28 PM (CYpG7)

13 Dave, don't forget the "My way or the highway" Mayor of San Francisco. His arrogance was LARGE.

Posted by: Mark at June 24, 2005 10:33 PM (GE903)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Susie Susie Sue
Sue Sue Susio Susie
See See Susie See

hehe!

Posted by: annika at 01:34 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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If John McCain is nominated in 2008, i will not vote for him.

Who's with me?

HCOTW: Desert Cat!

Posted by: annika at 10:05 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
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1 It all depends on the alternative. But I will say that I can not vote for the man. He will not make it out of the primaries unless we have major crossover voters.

Posted by: Michael C at June 20, 2005 10:55 AM (yAKj9)

2 It depends on the alternative. If it is McCain vs. HRC where would you go???

Posted by: Prarieblogger at June 20, 2005 11:15 AM (95uDn)

3 i would write in someone.

Posted by: annie at June 20, 2005 11:41 AM (zAOEU)

4 why because he not NAzi?!

Posted by: Um Yeah at June 20, 2005 01:13 PM (MhJuU)

5 My first response was to say "hell yes I'm with you. Fuck that guy and his 'independent'thinking." But, the more I think of it, I'd rather have McCain than a Dem. McCain has some high profile fuck ups but he is still a pretty reliable conservative vote. He also is one of the more articulate spokesmen we have for providing justification for Iraq and the war on terroism. What places him beyond redemption, Annie? (I realize there a long list of items that could drive you fucking crazy.) I'm curious about what particulary pisses you off. Filibuster? McCain-Feingold? etc etc etc Anyway, he'll never win a Rep primary. So, this is just an academic exercise.

Posted by: Blu at June 20, 2005 01:15 PM (j8oa6)

6 I'm down. If that happens we'll talk. I'm sure I can turn you onto some delightful little third party w/o a chance in hell of winning but whose candidate makes you think , "yeah; true dat". But in any case when it comes to not voting for a RINO I got yo' back.

Posted by: Publicola at June 20, 2005 01:20 PM (bXrfV)

7 i knew i could count on you, Publicola. Blu, it's McCain Feingold (one of the shittiest pieces of law to come down the pike in a long time.) and his being a member of the "seven." On every issue that i've heard him speak about, McCain bends over backwards to be accomodating and collegial to the Senate Democrats. But does anyone really think that if he were president, the liberals would not try to demonize him the way they do every other Republican in existence?

Posted by: annie at June 20, 2005 01:26 PM (zAOEU)

8 yeah, He is a very very ambitious man, who loves to be in the limelight and dosent mind sticking it to his party. Also dosent care too much for the first amendment. Now some would call that being a politician, I call it, a no vote.

Posted by: Kyle at June 20, 2005 02:29 PM (7Re84)

9 McCain is a goldplated prick with no allegiance to anything or anyone but his own ambition. I plan to crossover to AZ to register to vote sometime this year.

Posted by: Casca at June 20, 2005 03:41 PM (qBTBH)

10 Most definitely. He's a Republican in the populist nutball tradition of Huey Long (D); that is, he has little in common with the Republican party's tradition of limited government, social conservatism, etc. He's affirmatively dangerous. Moreoever, he uses his war experience as a cudgel to silence his critics, which makes him an asshole under most common definitions. Plus, he rudely fanned flames of racial and religious unrest in criticizing Bush for visiting Bob Jones U in 2000, which was a below-the-belt criticism that basically implied Bush was a racist--which he most definitely is not, whatever his other faults may be. McCain would be like Bush's big government worldwide crusading side without the social conservative and limited government instincts of the traditional right. It would be about one thing: McCain's power and legacy.

Posted by: Roach at June 20, 2005 04:10 PM (MRlvg)

11 I will never support a Senator for President. They cannot win. Harding and Kennedy are the only two senators who have won the White House in the history of America. A Senator has a better chance of being struck by lightning than he has of being elected President. I am supporting a Governor to be named.

Posted by: Jake at June 20, 2005 04:53 PM (r/5D/)

12 I would probably write in myself. (Struggling at my new mu.nu site. *Sigh*)

Posted by: Mark at June 20, 2005 05:18 PM (Vg0tt)

13 Well I've voted for him and would be more than happy to see him run. I think the same qualities that make him seem like a bad senator, of late, would make him an effective president. None of us are going to get the dream candidate, so a McCain-Watts ticket is great comprimise.

Posted by: McCain-Watts in 08! at June 20, 2005 05:33 PM (x8hF4)

14 "Anyway, he'll never win a Rep primary. So, this is just an academic exercise." If only it were academic. My fear is that he's just the sort of egomaniac who, once it's clear to him as it is to the rest of us that he's not getting the GOP nod, might want to replay Perot '92 and thereby hand thw White House to the Dems (i.e., presumably HRC).

Posted by: Dave J at June 20, 2005 07:09 PM (ZKuUj)

15 Not to worry, in that case, someone will cut the punk.

Posted by: Casca at June 20, 2005 07:40 PM (qBTBH)

16 John McCain is a more reliable statist than he is a conservative. I, on the other hand, am only a Republican because I am a conservative/libertarian. Thus there is no conceivable reason why I would throw my vote away on a man who does not represent my political views. If he is nominated, I will vote for whomever the Constitutional or Libertarian parties put up. Would I sooner see the Hildebeest than the McCainiac elected? No, but unfortunately discerning the lesser of evils is pretty tough in this case. At least the Hildebeest would be stymied by a Republican House and Senate, whereas the McCainiac would mount the bully pulpit, the press would have a collective orgasm, and the Congress would probably roll over to do whatever he wanted.

Posted by: Desert Cat at June 20, 2005 08:23 PM (xdX36)

17 I'm with you, Annie. There's so much I admire about the guy, but much that I despise abbout him as a politician, particularly his certainty that he's smarter than the Founding Fathers. I couldn't vote for him. By the way, he'll be 72 in '08. Uncle Ronnie was only 69 in '80, so McCain may be a bit long in the tooth for the presidency, by recent standards. And he's had melanoma twice.

Posted by: Matt at June 20, 2005 08:29 PM (xIqZL)

18 Desert Cat has articulated the best reason i've seen for throwing away my vote, in the event of a Hillery McCain general election. Bravo. i'm dusting off the Huge Comment of the Week for you my friend.

Posted by: annika at June 20, 2005 09:00 PM (erSH9)

19 cool

Posted by: Desert Cat at June 20, 2005 11:30 PM (xdX36)

20 Casca's "cut the punk" comment gets my nomination.

Posted by: Mark MuNu at June 21, 2005 01:30 AM (TBkLy)

21 Damn. I said "i got yo back". I said "I'm down". Even said "true dat". Brother can't get no love round here But there's another reason, which appeals to me more. See even if McCain is the lesser of two evils, that still makes him evil. Sure, it's relatively better to vote for the false prophet than the antichrist (so to speak) but neither will endear you in Heaven. & when the lesser of two evils wins that seldom causes him/her to repent. If anything it fuels their ambitions which tend to gravitate toward the evil rather than the good. Hell look at Arnie. Lesser of two evils compared to a democrat, but yet no democrat governor anyplace in the u.s. has banned a type of bolt action rifle. when ya vote for thelesser of two evils ya get what ya pick - evil. & McCain (with his bill to de facto ban gunshows across the u.s. as well as his limits on free speech) is close enough to evil that him being the lesser of the choices would not endear me to the process, let alone casting a vote for him. (& the same applies for anyone in his position - I'm just picking on McCain cause I can). Shame we seldom have a choice between good & really good (like Kozinski v Ron Paul). Oh, & it's not throwing away your vote unles syou feel the goal is to pick the winner. It's never a wasted vote if you wouldn't regret the candidate you voted for winning.

Posted by: Publicola at June 21, 2005 02:42 PM (bXrfV)

22 If McCain is the nominee against Hillary, I'm voting for myself. Physics Geek for President! McCain is a strutting, self-important peacock whose sole purpose in life appears to be garnering positive review from the NY Times. It's too bad, really, since he served this country well during wartime and suffered in ways that I cannot imagine during his captivity. But that pain doesn't excuse his having become a gigantic asshole.

Posted by: physics geek at June 22, 2005 10:11 AM (Xvrs7)

23 I would choose McCain over any other Republican. I remember how he was targetted by the far right in the 2000 primaries after he surprised Bush with his upsets. Money flowed like floodwaters into the NRA, anti-abortion groups, and other arch right organizations, who proceeded to set up quick reaction call center campaigns intent on smearing McCain. The distortions and slander was so shameful that I began to question my 20 years as a stalwart Republican. Bush's cavalier 'We are in the delegate business' attitude finally convinced me to lead the Republican party on principle. I had spent so much time acting as an apologist for my former party; I now enjoy my independent stance, as neither side can shake free their extremists, so I will focus on supporting those who will do the best for American, vs. the special interests of either party.

Posted by: Will Stewart at June 29, 2005 11:29 AM (GzvlQ)

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The pedigree of honey
Does not concern the bee;
A clover, any time, to him
Is aristocracy.

     --Dickinson

Where the bee sucks, there suck I:
In a cowslip's bell I lie;
There I couch when owls do cry.
On the bat's back I do fly
After summer merrily:
     Merrily, merrily, shall I live now,
     Under the blossom that hangs on the bough.

     --Shakespeare

Burly, dozing humble-bee,
Where thou art is clime for me.
Let them sail for Porto Rique,
Far-off heats through seas to seek;
I will follow thee alone,
Thou animated torrid-zone!
Zigzag steerer, desert cheerer,
Let me chase thy waving lines;
Keep me nearer, me thy hearer,
Singing over shrubs and vines.

     --Emerson

Posted by: annika at 10:55 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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...is to invent an outlandish freaky religion that will appeal to gullible mindless celebrities and wacky baby-boomers. Whatever i come up with can't possibly be more stupid than the bullshit Tom Cruise and the rest of his ilk believe in: dinosaurs from outer space or some such shit.

More later, after i've ruminated on the central tenets of my new religion. Any suggestions for a name will be considered, if they are accompanied by a substantial tithe and a pledge to secrecy.

(Secrecy will be a central tenet, i have decided.)

Update: Here are the central tenets of my new religion, which i have decided to call Practology.

1. i am the leader of this new religion. Not a god, but just the leader. Therefore, all donations should go to me. Great favor will be bestowed on anyone who donates to my new religion.

2. This religion takes no position on matters of morality. Basically that means you can do whatever the fuck you want, and it's cool. i discovered that this was one of the main attractions for adherents of the crazy yoga cult that my ex belonged to.

3. Chocolate will play some important role in this new religion, albeit vaguely.

4. The number eight will also have some vague significance.

5. In accordance with tenet four, all adherents to this new religion will be required to utilize the base eight counting system.

6. Also, all adherents to this new religion shall be required to say "utilize," when the verb "use" would do just as well.

7. Secrecy.

10. Singing songs will be encouraged, but only in private.

A word about the name. Practology comes from the Sanskrit root Pract-, which means "to bow down to," and -ology, which is an untranslatable Ojibway phrase meaning "great bird that shits while flying." Thus, Practology, which is distinguished from the unrelated medical specialty by pronounciation and capitalization.

One more thing. All adherents should ignore and deny the fact that i freely admit this is a made up religion. If it doesn't matter to Tom Cruise that his religion's creator was a science fiction writer, it shouldn't matter to anyone that i am sometimes being facetious.

Posted by: annika at 03:13 PM | Comments (36) | Add Comment
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1 Whatever you come up with, try to keep it rational. No one coming back from the dead, no sexless births, and no eating your god once a week. Some things just won't fly.

Posted by: The Owner's Manual at June 15, 2005 04:35 PM (MBfp4)

2 Religious cults started by charismatic leaders all use sex as the glue that holds them together. There are no exceptions to this rule. Where do I sign up, Holy Goddess of the North?

Posted by: Jake at June 15, 2005 04:37 PM (r/5D/)

3 I could be wrong, but I think you may have started something you can't stop Annie.

Posted by: Pursuit at June 15, 2005 07:09 PM (VqIuy)

4 "Great favor will be bestowed on anyone who donates to my new religion" And I thought you were trying to save the world. My advice is to skinny your message down to what Reverend Ike preaches on the radio: "Send me money ($10 minimum please) and God will return to you ten times your gift. The more money you send me the more money God will give you." Of course, you can convince more people to send you money if you are a charismatic leader.

Posted by: Jake at June 15, 2005 07:47 PM (r/5D/)

5 Correction Jake: Religious cults started by charismatic leaders all utilize sex. This religion may face an early challenge by the fact that there is no 69 in base eight. In France this might become an huge problem. Could some other number system be utilized?

Posted by: d-rod at June 15, 2005 08:37 PM (t0sbc)

6 Yogi Berra was #8 - you should make provision for some to go into training to be Yogis(If they fail the training, they can be Boo-Boos). Leave the Yogi requirements vague, so only you can decide when a lucky learner/trainee has progressed to the exalted Yogi level. Maybe the training should involve raising oodles of money for you, as only a really enlightened Yogi can accomplish such a task. Also, as a Bible-Belt Christian with some deadly serious tent revivals notched on my belt, I'm taking the liberty of tweaking Jake's terminology just a smidge: "God will return financial blessings: worth ten/twenty/one hundred/two hundred times the amount donated, and/or 'beyond anything you have dreamed of'(b/c God dreams bigger for you than you dream for yourself)."

Posted by: gcotharn at June 15, 2005 08:43 PM (U/NfN)

7 Maybe the religion could extol the flexible possibilities of the numeral 88.

Posted by: gcotharn at June 15, 2005 08:47 PM (U/NfN)

8 Annika, Perhaps "practology" can incorporate some of the methods of prOctology?

Posted by: Mark Practologist at June 15, 2005 08:53 PM (9JCLk)

9 Sounds like you've been reading The 48 Laws of Power, A. Kevin

Posted by: Kevin Kim at June 15, 2005 11:10 PM (1PcL3)

10 I think your religion should also consider the DH to be the Antichrist. Or AntiAnnie. Howzabout AntiAmerican? (The DH is the Anti-something, for God's sake!) Making anyone who wears the number 88 (like, say, Eric Lindros) an Antichrist works for me.

Posted by: Victor and his seventeen pet rats at June 16, 2005 05:51 AM (L3qPK)

11 You forgot to say how much it costs. A good fake religion has to be high priced to convince the marks it has worth.

Posted by: Wolf at June 16, 2005 06:17 AM (vbP6L)

12 This may be apocryphal, but one is reminded that Scientology actually is supposed to have had its actual origins in a bet that L. Ron Hubbard had with Robert Heinlein, namely that he could get insanely rich by making up a new religion. He obviously won.

Posted by: Dave J at June 16, 2005 06:40 AM (WV4/D)

13 Dave, that's a new one on me. The Heinlein angle, that is. Where did you hear that?

Posted by: Victor at June 16, 2005 06:51 AM (L3qPK)

14 I think chocolate ought to be incorporated into the very heart of the faith, actually. All great religions have communal meals. Practologists ought to practice open table fellowship with Belgian chocolates. Perhaps even the initiation ritual could utilize chocolate effectively?

Posted by: Hugo at June 16, 2005 07:52 AM (2bqBq)

15 Victor, I don't know where I first heard it and, as I said, it may not be true, just one of those things that "they" say. A quick Googling of "Heinlein Hubbard bet scientology" brings up disputes over whether or not it's an urban legend, but if so it's still certainly a pretty believable one. Hugo, add Belgian beer to the Belgian chocolate and I'm ready to convert. ;-)

Posted by: Dave J at June 16, 2005 08:56 AM (WV4/D)

16 So when does Annikanetics come out? I can set up a book table in Times Square subway. And HELLLLLLOOOOOO people. We need a ribbon of some color here? Get with the program. Obviously your cult religion needs a marketing/pr person. I've been toying with the idea of stepping down from the my God role in the ten-year-old faith of Kenism, so I'd be willing to be your marketing director ... as long as I get first dibs on the 17-year-olds.

Posted by: ken at June 16, 2005 09:37 AM (xD5ND)

17 i think it better to use some variation of annika in the naming. sorry. i think it better to utilize some variation of annika in the naming. it is after all, all about you and your worship, after all. annikanetics is a good one. annieology would be good. annology would be good also. to use sex in some manner...... sorry. to utilize sex in some manner is a must. i would propose a total vow of celibacy for any and all members. you heard right. no boinking at all or in any manner. that way, when you are found out to be a nympho, and have had your way with any/all, the headlines you will get. oh, just think of the headlines. to use free publicity is a must. sorry. to utilize free publicity is a must. other than that........... don't go there. don't go there. i'm telling you....... don't go there.

Posted by: louielouie at June 16, 2005 10:23 AM (xKfMm)

18 May I make a motion that we annoint our divine leader a saint. Heck, the French made Joan of Arc a saint. I don't know if annology requires a miracle be performed prior to sainthood.

Posted by: d-rod at June 16, 2005 04:42 PM (CSRmO)

19 Something crucial is missing: You need a kick-ass religion creation/origination story, or no one will believe in your religion. Moses bringing down the tablets. Jesus rising from the dead. Muhammed communing with Allah. Brigham Young hanging with God in the desert. Maybe you went into a chocolate-induced ecstatic state, and saw a vision of pure light, and it spoke to you about the practical and ologically vague aspects of existence - such as every action being a moral action, but you can't say more b/c its a secret, natch. Maybe you almost went to the desert or the mountains for your ecstatic experience, but doing so was impractical(maybe you were lead by an unseen hand to stay in the city). Whatever your ecstatic experience was, give serious thought to how you will reveal it. A believable creation/origination story is crucial to Practology's success.

Posted by: gcotharn at June 16, 2005 10:11 PM (U/NfN)

20 of course, if this religion was Proctology, you could've just pulled it out of your ass.

Posted by: gcotharn at June 16, 2005 10:13 PM (U/NfN)

21 Given tenents #2 and #3, together with the suggestion that chocolate play some role in the initiation ceremony, I can think of a few creative uses for chocolate syrup for said ceremony... The suggestion about celibacy is a good one, at least for initiates. But sex must be a big part of the priesthood, and the higher one rises in the ranks, the more doors open to wild and uninhibited sexual expression. (Now THERE's an incentive!) Of course this must necessarily mean that only the innermost circle gets to boink Annika herself.

Posted by: Desert Cat at June 16, 2005 10:22 PM (xdX36)

22 "But sex must be a big part of the priesthood, and the higher one rises in the ranks, the more doors open to wild and uninhibited sexual expression." The higher one rises is always linked to better sex. Therefore initiation into the priesthood should involve some sort of casting couch, or at the least the mastering of some "8th way" position. But such a thing might involve incredible contortions, so perhaps we could just be encouraged to watch the Simpsons instead. After all, Homer, who I assume was a great influence on our leader, once said that a man must walk down 8 roads to become a man. 8 roads my friends. 8 roads. 8.

Posted by: scof at June 17, 2005 01:48 AM (x8hF4)

23 Dave, to me it's unbelievable for one reason: Heinlein had a well-documented intolerance for fools and Hubbard was a fool of the highest order. The more widely accepted story is Hubbard said/wrote it at one time then decided to put it into practice, and that makes more sense to me. No need for a bet (especially since Heinlein probably agreed with the statement, if not the author), and something so simple (and evidently true) has been said by others. George Orwell wrote the same thing at one time--it's well-documented as a preserved personal letter from Orwell. Heinlein, as well, had a pretty well-documented personal distaste for organized religion and I believe he discussed the religion/money making angle in Stranger in a Strange Land (I concede that book was written well after Dianetics but any coincidence should be taken as such--coincidence. No one has claimed the Steve Martin movie Leap of Faith was based on Hubbard's quote, and it definitely involves religion as a money-making scheme). I suspect the Heinlein/Hubbard bet is an urban legend, and I'm disinclined to believe it. If you think about it, it has all the hallmarks of an urban legend: Take a fact, exagerate it slightly, optionally throw a celebrity into the mix for good measure. For an example, see the urban legend about Hanoi Jane turning POW notes over to the VC. Sorry, annie, didn't mean to go all OT on you. Heinlein is one of my hot buttons.

Posted by: Victor at June 17, 2005 07:14 AM (L3qPK)

24 I did my part to promote Practology. Heck, I just want to get in on the ground floor of this new religion/Ponzi scheme.

Posted by: Micah at June 17, 2005 07:44 AM (v/oTo)

25 You guys have all gone fucking nuts. Annie, what have you done? I'm pretty sure that law school hasa permantly altered your mind.

Posted by: shelly at June 18, 2005 04:01 AM (pO1tP)

26 So is the sacred book is the Annikible, Annikorah, or Annikoran?

Posted by: MarkD at June 18, 2005 06:29 AM (nQAo8)

27 lol. the sacred book is called "annika's journal!"

Posted by: annie at June 18, 2005 09:51 AM (fpito)

28 You guys have all gone fucking nuts. gone??????? what do you mean by that?

Posted by: louielouie at June 18, 2005 10:27 AM (xKfMm)

29 And bored me to tears. Well, OK, gas pains.

Posted by: Casca at June 18, 2005 12:58 PM (qBTBH)

30 O.K. ARE fucking nuts. Get a life.

Posted by: shelly at June 18, 2005 01:06 PM (pO1tP)

31 Shelly is an unbeliever! So what's the penalty for unbelieving? Their IP gets banned?

Posted by: Victor at June 18, 2005 01:52 PM (gCsDB)

32 Purgatory! A life without chocolate OR sex!

Posted by: Desert Cat at June 18, 2005 11:15 PM (xdX36)

33 Desert Cat: Your post is oxymoronic, which is further proof of my previous post. Life without sex or chocolate? hell, I'm already there. On the other hand, Purgatory is just a temporary state; see below: Definition: Purgatory According to Roman Catholic doctrine, purgatory is a place or condition of temporary punishment meant to cleanse those destined for heaven but not quite ready for it. According to this doctrine, faith in Christ and acceptance of his saving grace gains one forgiveness for their sins, but not release from the punishment due for them. Thus in purgatory one is purged of their imperfections, much as silver in the fire sheds its impurities.

Posted by: shelly at June 19, 2005 02:55 AM (pO1tP)

34 I believe the Annikible would suggest that Shelly, who is a man, may possibly be released from purgatory by asking forgiveness and accepting grace and nector from the divine one. I'm not sure I'm close enough to the inner circle though to be delivering reliable information on the sacred text so maybe hookers are allowed.

Posted by: d-rod at June 19, 2005 07:01 AM (cfe8u)

35 On the other hand, Purgatory is just a temporary state; see below: Nothing says a change of heart can't rectify the situation. Truly though, your state is a pitiable one, as you are living your hell as we speak. Repent! and be baptized in the font of chocolate syrup, after which the tongues of a thousand angels will lick you clean, and you shall be whiter than snow!

Posted by: Desert Cat at June 19, 2005 10:45 PM (xdX36)

36 The color of any ribbon should be puce. How can chocolate ever have only a "vague" role in anything? And re Heinlein/Hubbard: It wasn't a bet. Heinlein used to, at roughly ten year intervals, collect a set of his past writings and commentaries, assemble them into one volume, and publish them with additional, updated commentary. In one of those he recounts discussing organized religion with Hubbard, and saying that an organized religion was the closest thing to a perfect racket: People give you money, and the government can't touch you. Hubbard, reportedly, went, "Hmm." In later years, Hubbard wrote "Dianetics" and Heinlein wrote "Stranger in a Strange Land." For myself, I prefer the later. (And no, I can't cite the source 'cuz all my books -- Heinlein included -- are in storage. Some day....)

Posted by: bob at June 20, 2005 08:07 PM (CzckL)

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i should turn this running theme into a rubric.

Here's the first few paragraphs of an SFGate article, this morning. SFGate, for those who don't know, is the San Francisco Chronicle and San Franscisco Examiner's joint website.

Mess-Hall Bombing Kills 26 Iraqi Soldiers

By PATRICK QUINN, Associated Press Writer

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

(06-15) 09:02 PDT BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- A suicide bomber walked into an Iraqi mess hall and blew himself up Wednesday, killing 25 Iraqi soldiers. The attack came as Iraqi and U.S. forces rescued an Australian hostage in Baghdad.

The troops, acting on a tip, freed Douglas Wood, a 64-year-old engineer who is a longtime resident of Alamo, Calif., during a raid in a dangerous Sunni neighborhood.

In a separate attack Wednesday, eight Iraqi policemen were killed when a suicide bomber slammed into two police cars in the capital. Thirteen bystanders also were wounded as two police cars burst into flames at the intersection in a predominantly Shiite neighborhood, police said.

Wood said he was "extremely happy and relieved to be free again," according to a message read by Australia's counterterrorism chief Nick Warner.

The raid took place as part of Operation Lightning — a broader counterinsurgency operation that began in Baghdad on May 29, Warner said. He added there "was specific intelligence and tips that provided a hint at what might be found at that location."

Wood was freed by the Iraqi army's 2nd battalion, 1st Armored Brigade, with assistance by U.S. forces in Ghazaliya — one of the most dangerous Sunni Arab neighborhood of Baghdad, Warner said. He added that "no ransom was paid" despite a request for a "very large" amount of money.

Wood was found under a blanket, and the insurgents told troops he was their sick father, said Gen. Naseer al-Abadi, Iraq's deputy chief of staff. The operation also resulted in the arrest of three insurgents and release of an Iraqi hostage.

"This is a great day for Iraq. We are proud of the way our soldiers conducted themselves," al-Abadi said.

Wood was abducted in late April by a militant group calling itself the Shura Council of the Mujahedeen of Iraq.

The Australian government refused to bend to the kidnappers' demands that its 1,400 troops be withdrawn from Iraq. It sent diplomats, police and military personnel to Baghdad to seek his release.

"I am delighted to inform the House that the Australian hostage in Iraq, Mr. Douglas Wood, is safe," Prime Minister John Howard told Parliament in Canberra, Australia.

Howard told reporters an Iraqi military unit, in cooperation with U.S. forces, rescued Wood.

More ranting: And don't tell me that the media is not against us, when the first time i heard word one about the following news story was by reading Mark Steyn's column, via Michelle Malkin.

Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's kleptocrat strongman, destroyed a mosque the other day. It was in Hatcliffe Extension, a shantytown on the edge of Harare, razed by the "police." Mr. Mugabe is an equal-opportunity razer: He also bulldozed a Catholic-run Aids center.

The government destroyed the town to drive the locals into the countryside to live on land stolen from white farmers. Quite how that's meant to benefit any of those involved or the broader needs of Zimbabwe is beyond me, but then I'm no expert in Afro-Marxist economic theory.

The point is the world's Muslims seem entirely cool with Infidel Bob razing a mosque. Unlike the fallout over Newsweek's fraudulent story about the Koran being flushed down a toilet, no excitable young men went bananas in Pakistan; no Western progressives berated Mr. Mugabe for his "cultural insensitivity." And sadly most of the big-shot Muslim spokespersons were still too busy flaying the Bush administration to whip their subjects into a frenzy over Hatcliffe Extension's pile of Islamic rubble.

Or, since the media is on the side of the enemy, does Mugabe get a pass because it wasn't the United States that destroyed a mosque?

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1 interesting piece of info that facinates only me. in 1994, the abc program nightline ran 4 episodes on what happened in rwanda. in 2004, the abc program nightline ran 23 episodes on abu gharib.

Posted by: louielouie at June 15, 2005 01:56 PM (xKfMm)

2 I can't seriously believe that you are so naive to really equate Mugabi and the United States. Perhaps a little analogy: A convicted criminal is found to have told a lie. A respected member of the community is found to have told a lie. Which is surprising? Which might provoke a story in the newspaper? IT ISN'T NEWS when dictators are oppressive! Louie: ABC also will run a week straight of programming on a missing white woman as thousands are killed in Darfur. To be generous we'll say that local news sells. To be realistic maybe we'll say that viewers don't give a damn what happens in Africa.

Posted by: Preston at June 17, 2005 08:38 AM (wkfsI)

3 Nice rationalization there Preston. You do it so well. You even imply that America is racist "viewers don't give a damn what happens in Africa"). Where do you such original material?

Posted by: Mark at June 17, 2005 04:15 PM (Vg0tt)

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Today, i quote something i wrote when i first started blogging:

While you're looking at the Dannebrog, it might be a good time to note that the Danish flag is the oldest national flag in the world. It has been in use since the 1200's. Legend says that King Valdemar the Victorious was fighting a battle against the Estonians on St Viti's Day in 1219. The Estonians had thrown all their best warriors at the Danish and their attack was succeeding. The Danish were on the retreat when they received a sign from God: the Dannebrog floating down out of the sky! The Danish soldiers caught the flag and then fought back with renewed strength, eventually defeating the Estonians with the help of the 'Sign of the Cross.'

The day of the battle is still celebrated in Denmark as Valdemar's Day, which falls on June 15th. Everyone in Denmark displays the flag on that day, just like we do in the U.S. on our own Flag Day, June 14th.

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Another favorite poem by one of my favorites poets, Frank O'Hara:

Why I Am Not A Painter

I am not a painter, I am a poet.
Why? I think I would rather be
a painter, but I am not. Well,

for instance, Mike Goldberg
is starting a painting. I drop in.
"Sit down and have a drink" he
says. I drink; we drink. I look
up. "You have SARDINES in it."
"Yes, it needed something there."
"Oh." I go and the days go by
and I drop in again. The painting
is going on, and I go, and the days
go by. I drop in. The painting is
finished. "Where's SARDINES?"
All that's left is just
letters, "It was too much," Mike says.

But me? One day I am thinking of
a color: orange. I write a line
about orange. Pretty soon it is a
whole page of words, not lines.
Then another page. There should be
so much more, not of orange, of
words, of how terrible orange is
and life. Days go by. It is even in
prose, I am a real poet. My poem
is finished and I haven't mentioned
orange yet. It's twelve poems, I call
it ORANGES. And one day in a gallery
I see Mike's painting, called SARDINES.

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Radio Blogger has a transcript and video link to Don Rumsfeld's press conference today. His summation of the progress the Iraqi people have made since the liberation is so inspiring and important, that i'm going to cut and paste it here.

On the political portion of it, that's obviously not the business of this department, but I can comment on it.

The general feeling is as follows: That the election was held January 30th. It took a number of weeks to put a government together. Not a number of years, but a group of people, with no experience in democracy at all, took a number of weeks... a few months, to put together a government.

A lot of tugging and hauling, a lot of negotiating about what it would mean in the assembly, a lot of negotiating about what it might mean with respect to the constitution drafting, a lot of negotiating about what it might mean as to who's in what ministry, and for what reasons, and in the presidential council, I believe they call it. And they came to a conclusion.

When the conclusion was made and announced, one could look at worst case and say it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that the Shi'ia would say, "Okay, Sunnis, you didn't play in the election. You gave it to us for twenty, thirty years, and we didn't like it, and now it's our turn, and we're going to give it to you."

Quite the contrary. The Shi'ia, at the top leadership down, have been saying, "Look. We want to have one country. Let's reach out to the Sunnis. Let's include them. Let's find a way, even though they made a mistake and didn't participate in the election. Let's see that they're involved in this. Let's get them involved in the drafting of the constitution." Exactly the right instinct.

The Sunnis, instead of saying, "Okay, we didn't get in the election. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe it wasn't. But now, we're not well represented, and we're not going to play, and go separately, and try to break the country into three pieces." The Sunnis didn't do that. I mean, everyone you talk to said, "we made a mistake. The Sunnis made a mistake." They should have gotten involved in the election. They didn't get involved in the election. They now know they should have gotten involved in the election, and thank the good Lord the Shi'ia are reaching out to them, and the Kurds are reaching out to them, and trying to include them.

Now, what does it mean next? Well, they're going to have a lot of to'ing and fro'ing on the constitution. Fortunately, they made a lot of those decisions in the transitional administrative law, the so-called TAL. And it's there as a guidepost. It's not a mandate. It's not a speed limit or direction, but it is generally agreed to. And so it'll serve, I would think, as at least a touchstone for the very complicated task of trying to find a piece of paper that people, who have had historic hostilities to each other, that have been held together, not through love or respect, but through vicious dictatorship repressing them. That's how they've held together as a country.

And now they're going to look for a piece of paper that will do that for them instead. Instead of a vicious dictatorship. Instead of repression. Instead of a police state. Instead of mass graves, filled with people... bodies, tens of thousands of bodies. There's going to be a piece of paper that those people are going to have to put their faith in. That is an enormous thing.

And they're going to be debating that, and tugging on it, and to'ing and fro'ing, and they're going to, in my view, come up with one... just a minute... just a minute... And then they're going to take that to the Iraqi people and have them vote on it. And another 26 million people will have a chance, or population, or whoever's eligible to vote, men and women alike. Some large number is going to have a chance to go vote on that. And then, it'll be there, and then they'll vote on whatever that constitution says, for a president, or a prime minister, whatever, representatives, they'll have a chance to vote on that in December.

This is amazing. This is historic. This is a gigantic step forward. This ought not to be dismissed or trivialized. This is a big deal.

Will it happen? I think it'll happen. Can I guarantee anything in life? No. I can't. No one can. It's their country.

Also, there was a moment when a reporter, probably impatient that the Secretary of Defense had strayed from the truly important news of the day (i.e. that someone at Guantanamo might have looked the wrong way at a copy of the Koran.) tried to interrupt the Secretary, who completely rebuffed the reporter saying "just a minute... just a minute..." It was cool. Go listen to it.

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Direct quote at the end of the six o'clock newscast:

"Coming up at eleven, more complaints from the muslim community about how the FBI is treating muslim residents of Lodi."

What about the fact that certain members of that very community were PLANNING TO BLOW UP SUPERMARKETS AND HOSPITALS?!?!?!?!

Might that possibly be news too? Worthy of coverage? Huh? Anybody?

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You'd think Governor Schwarzenegger was calling for the end of the world, by the way the Democrats, the unions and their fucking media accomplices are carrying on. Here's what the Governor's special election is about:

1. A spending cap.

2. Teacher tenure in five years instead of two.

3. Ending gerrymandered districts.

But, Oh My God, the special election is going to cost EIGHTY ZILLION DOLLARS!

Yes, we already know how the liberals feel about democracy. They oppose it. Fabian Nuñez says the election is too expensive. Well, i never thought that one could put a price on the voice of the people in a democracy, for pete's sake. This is supposed to be a democracy isn't it?

Oh that's right, the liberals oppose the special election because it threatens to restore democracy.

You wouldn't believe the character assassination of Governor Schwarzenegger that has been going on in this state for about a year now. Fully funded by the teacher's and nurse's unions, and out-of-state special interests. The lies i hear every day in those below-the-belt political attack ads are enough to make me physically sick. And the worst thing about it is that they are working. Our indefatigable governor is doing an excellent job, and those dinosaurs in favor of the status quo know that the only way to stop reform is to turn people against the reformer.

It's dirty politics at its worst.

Here's another union attack ad on tv right now. You can't trust Governor Schwarzenegger, he broke his promises, he wants to take money away from schools.

Hey, what about the fact that this state has been run by the Democrats for decades, we keep throwing money at education, and our schools still suck? The unions and the bought-and-paid-for Democratic legislature have been all-powerful, but what has it gotten any of us? Their way is not working. We need to go in a different direction. The opposite direction. That's what this special election is all about.

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Not guilty on all counts.

Today's big winner: Geraldo.

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Now that the election is long over, isn't it time to do something about that faded "W" sticker on the ass of your car?

Annoy your liberal friends and neighbors anew with this baby.

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