just trying to eat my waffles

April 17, 2006

Peter Pumpkin The Spectacular Pumpkin, Episode 10

Just be patient with me. I'm sure this PPTSP obsession is just a phase I'm going through. Or maybe it's my true calling. Who knows?

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Updike

I just read an interesting article about John Updike. I've never read him. Are there any Updike fans out there? Should I give him a try?

Correction: Actually, when I was in undergrad, I tried to read Memories Of The Ford Administration, but it was pretty boring, so I never finished it. But I'm wondering if the Rabbit books are better.

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1 By misusing the American military to steal Iraqi oil you have placed us on the bad side of our LORD and Savior, Jesus Christ. And I am gay.

Posted by: DEAN BERRY -- REAL AMERICAN at April 17, 2006 03:42 AM (h/YSB)

2 Well gawd damn, isn't it nice to have a true man and prophet of God stop by and drop the word. Drink the koolaid Dean.

Posted by: Casca at April 17, 2006 06:47 AM (y9m6I)

3 I have read the Rabbit books, and I found them very depressing. Every character in those stories is a loser who screws up their life. It makes me wonder about Updike's sanity-he certainly can't be a happy man. I recommend the books to people who think their lives are crap. It will remind you that there are a lot of people with worse lives.

Posted by: Jake at April 17, 2006 09:55 AM (XOf7A)

4 if you think Updike is depressin you ought to read anything by Henrik Ibsen. That will make you want to cut your throat.

Posted by: kyle8 at April 17, 2006 03:53 PM (jVAwk)

5 My dad loves Updike - and especially loves the Rabbit books. He keeps telling me to give them a try - so they are on my perpetual "To Read Someday" list! I've read a lot of Updike's short stories - and the only novel of his I read was Witches of Eastwick, which is kind of a riot. Lots of fun. He's a fine writer.

Posted by: red at April 18, 2006 08:49 AM (rNgdr)

6 Anni I would say it was the subject, not the author. Anything written about the Ford Admin would naturally be stonestiff boring as hell. It was bad enough living through it, I damn well ain't a gonna read nothing about it!

Posted by: 2Hotel9 at April 18, 2006 03:09 PM (RfREf)

7 Dean Berry's incisive comments on Updike eclipse anything I might say on the subject; but be that as it may ("and I'm not sure that it is," as Steve Allen would add). . . . Updike's Ford Administration book, 2Hotel9, isn't really about the Ford Administration (except perhaps in some subtle satirical way that went over my head); but what life was like in that era, as remembered by a college professor looking back at it. Gore Vidal's derisive statement that mainstream fiction is mostly about adulterous academics certainly could be applied to this book; except that about half of it is a historical novel about James Buchanan, whose biography the professor has been working on. The novel shifts back and forth between Buchanan's story and the professor's marital troubles and sexual escapades. On paper it is the kind of contemporary fiction I would ordinarily avoid, but Updike's prose style drew me in and held me; the Buchanan parts were more interesting than I would have expected; and I liked the various comments about life in early Seventies. I often quote one of the professor's observations, when he and a woman who is trying to seduce him (successfully, it turns out) are alone in her hotel room together. I don't recall the exact wording, but it's something along the lines of: "During the Ford Administration, a man and a woman alone together in a room where they wouldn't be disturbed felt almost a moral obligation to shtup." (Come to think of it, the word "shtup" may be something else in the original.) The sentence really drove home to me why I miss that much-despised era.

Posted by: Bilwick at April 20, 2006 09:48 AM (AktpP)

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April 16, 2006

Peter Pumpkin The Spectacular Pumpkin, Episode 9

Happy Easter everybody! Here's your Sunday comic.

[Not that you asked for a Sunday comic. But seriously, if I hadn't forced myself to finish my taxes and other errands yesterday I would have posted like twenty of these.]

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1 I always feel foolish if I order a light drink and then get whipped cream on top. Kinda defeats the purpose, KWIM? I freakin' hate taxes.

Posted by: The Law Fairy at April 16, 2006 10:43 AM (954g7)

2 Now, Now, whipped cream can be your friend. It all depends upon what bodily part you put it on. ANNIKA! do you see yourself ever visiting Houston for any reason? If so, My wife and I would gladly show you around or cook you a mahvelous southern meal. Same goes for you CASCA, you have all the makings of a southern "good ol boy" you like booze, football, and America. Shelly, I don't know, you got too much USC in ya, Oh well, guess I could overlook that. Strawdog, I could probably expand your mind, but your head might asplode if you ever had a new idea.

Posted by: kyle8 at April 16, 2006 11:17 AM (AmZu9)

3 These cartoons crack me.

Posted by: gcotharn at April 16, 2006 03:03 PM (E2Xjn)

4 This one is funnier 'n cat piss.

Posted by: Victor at April 16, 2006 05:10 PM (l+W8Z)

5 Firstly, thank you for your kind offer kyle, but it seems that some very bad things can happen to you when you meet people on the internet. I just saw a government sponsored PSA about people on the internet who want to meet you in the flesh. I don't want to finish my days chained naked in a basement in Texas with a ballgag in my mouth. Secondly, heh, I'm the word coiner around here. Well, perhaps it was an accident, but I believe that you meant "assplode". Thirdly, this cartoon shit STILL isn't funny.

Posted by: Casca at April 16, 2006 06:33 PM (2gORp)

6 Actually, casca, neither you nor kyle made up "asplode." That honor goes to Strong Bad. I would post the link, but mu.nu will not let me. Check out the video games section. And, annika, I think the comics are freakin' hilarious. Keep 'em coming!

Posted by: The Law Fairy at April 16, 2006 08:05 PM (954g7)

7 Wrong again LF. I hope you're not this shoddy when charging your clients at an obscene rate. Kyle's use of "asplode" is the Texican equivalent of those who speak the King's English saying "explode", whereas "assplode" is what happens when straw opens his mouth. It is something akin to the diarrheal erruption one experiences when one has an extreme case of food poisoning.

Posted by: Casca at April 16, 2006 09:46 PM (2gORp)

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April 15, 2006

Peter Pumpkin The Spectacular Pumpkin Update

Addictive, ain't it?

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Coolest Thing On The Internets Of The Day

Vonski obtained some frightening video of a terrorist training camp.

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Peter Pumpkin The Spectacular Pumpkin, Episode 7

What can I say? I'm a slave to my art.

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April 14, 2006

"Be Worried, Be Very Worried"

I'm taking a break from doing my taxes, so I can bash the mainstream media yet again. I'm just in that kind of mood.

Here it is, April 14, 2006, and it looks like we're on the verge of a second Holocaust. The Iranian madman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said the scariest shit today that's probably been said since the Wannsee Conference.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Israel a "permanent threat" to the Middle East that will "soon" be liberated. He also appeared to again question whether the Holocaust really happened.
"Like it or not, the Zionist regime is heading toward annihilation," Ahmadinejad said at the opening of a conference in support of the Palestinians. "The Zionist regime is a rotten, dried tree that will be eliminated by one storm."
. . .
He did not say how this would be achieved, but insisted to the audience of at least 900 people: "Believe that Palestine will be freed soon."
"The existence of this (Israeli) regime is a permanent threat" to the Middle East, he added. "Its existence has harmed the dignity of Islamic nations."

You may remember that in October, Ahmadinejad said that Israel should be wiped off the map. He's now replaced "should" with "will."

That should make everybody worried.

On this day after Passover, this Good Friday, this Easter weekend, I think we all should take some time out to pray very hard. Pray for Israel. Pray for ourselves. And pray for civilization. Because there is a madman out there who wants to finish the job Hitler started.

And I don't want to hear about how it's all rhetoric, and we shouldn't worry because the Iranians would be foolish to attack Israel. Just listen to the man, and then try to tell me he doesn't want to be known as the guy that killed all the Jews.

This is also the week we found out that they've successfully enriched uranium, by the way.

And yet... and yet! Time magazine tells us we should be worrying about global warming. Even though scientists don't even agree whether it exists. Talk about sexed-up intelligence reports! Talk about fake threats! Those guys need to pull their heads out of their asses and smell their own shit.

Ahmadinejad has been going crazy since at least October of last year, and do you know how many cover stories Time has done about Iran?

Zero.

In fact, Time has not done a cover story even remotely dealing with Iran since 1991, when the title piece was called: "Ollie North Tells His Story: Reagan Knew Everything."

Just out of curiosity, do you know how many times global warming has made the cover of Time since 1987? If you guessed nine (twice in '87, once in '88, twice in '92, and then again in 2001, 2002, 2005 and most recently this month), you were right.

This is not surprising. Time is after all the news organization who brought us "the whistleblowers" as persons of the year. But I think it's "time" they actually started paying attention to what's really important, and putting it on their cover.

Or not. Either way, I won't be buying that rag.

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1 Nine cover stories on global warming? I guessed twenty one. Seriously, who DOES buy Time Magazine? Or Newsweek and US News for that matter. Not only do they not have any credibility but they are anachronisms. I'm surprised those dinosaurs are still gasping for air.

Posted by: Thomas Galvin at April 14, 2006 09:28 PM (KjUHH)

2 re: Iran I've been reading rumors of a coming October Surprise that President Bush has up his sleeve. I don't think we can wait.

Posted by: Cameron at April 14, 2006 10:41 PM (yvK17)

3 Fortunately more and more are discovering that they don't need to rely on rags like Time. Elites often cite the increased diversity in media as the cause of an ever deepening divide between the political aisles but I think talk radio, cable T.V. and the internet have given us what we knew was possible all along: An opposing veiw. Unfortunately there are still tons 'o voters that really don't take an interest at all, and someday they may outnumber the rest of us.

Posted by: Mike C. at April 15, 2006 03:35 AM (y6n8O)

4 They already do outnumber the rest of us, but when the wolf is at the door, they can focus for short periods. Once upon a time, way back in high school, I'd read all of the news mags every week. I slaked off over time until my military years when I found them wanting, and rejected them altogether. There always were opposing views, National Review for one was started to be the lone anti-communist voice in a very dark time. But this is the natural progression of all things. Like the oak, 100 years growing, 100 years in strength, 100 years in decline. Whittaker Chambers edited The World section of Time during WWII, and in 1947 Joe Kennedy bought a place for JFK on the cover of time from Henry Luce for $75,000, and that was real money then. Now the old media is in the hands of the poseurs who climb bureaucracies, not a group of original thinkers. Life is good. Were I to choose an enemy, he'd be foolish and blind. Have another drink Ted.

Posted by: Casca at April 15, 2006 04:25 AM (2gORp)

5 Two thumbs up on the last sentence, Casca. I'm just glad I had already swallowed my coffee. I can't criticize Mass too much for electing that bozo and Mr Heinz Kerry, because my state elected Mrs Bill and Chuckles Schumer... I can't wait to retire and leave.

Posted by: MarkD at April 15, 2006 04:45 AM (X9njN)

6 Iran is insane, heck they all are insane. They sure live to make threats. We are going to have to deal with these vile people soon in Iran. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad called Israel a "permanent threat" to the Middle East that will "soon" be liberated. He also appeared to again question whether the Holocaust really happened."

Posted by: Wild Thing at April 15, 2006 09:00 AM (tj1zH)

7 >And yet... and yet! Time magazine tells us we should be worrying about global warming. Even though scientists don't even agree whether it exists. An overwhelming number of climatologists agree that human activities is having adverse effects on Earth's climate. Just this week, Sir David King, the UK's chief scientist said the Earth is likely to experience a temperature rise of at least 3C. About the only people arguing against climate change are those who've accepted money from fossil fuel companies for slanted 'analyses'. > Talk about sexed-up intelligence reports! Talk about fake threats! Please provide evidence of falsification by climatologists of the climate disruption threat. > Those guys need to pull their heads out of their asses and smell their own shit. This type of talk is far beneath you; you've led us to expect clear, rational thinking, not cheap shot trashtalk.

Posted by: will at April 15, 2006 05:12 PM (h7Ciu)

8 "In this case, many studies ("the Hockey Team") outside of Mann et. al. 1998 have come to the same conclusions about the climate of the last 1000 years and the current anomaly." Will, I was following your argument until here. What do you mean by "the climate of the last 1000 years"? What's the "anomaly?" Is the anomaly, the current "warming?" Also, Earth's climate has varied over the past 1000 years. As you might recall, it is certain that Europe's climate changed fairly dramatically from the 10th century to the present. Of course, this variance in climate doesn't fit well into the current template that man is responsible for climate change. So, there have been attempts (in my opinion more political than scientific) to try and argue that there really was not a "Little Ice Age" from the 14th to the 19th century and, of course, no true "Medieval Climate Optimum" that preceeded it. The argument being that, if these periods did exist, they were confined to Europe and were not a global phenomenon.

Posted by: Blu at April 17, 2006 08:55 AM (j8oa6)

9 Well Blu, Why is it difficult to incorporate into a "civilisation influenced global warming hypothesis" the concept of local climate change? It has been obvious that there have been serious but local changes in many places but now there appears to be enough world wide data to support a global change that probably is being influenced by industrialization. I have been very skeptical of the Global Warming people for many years. I have always looked at the amount of time, about 25%, of the last 500,000 years that the earth was NOT in an ice age and felt the cycle was way too long for scientists, whose data, other than core and tree ring, really only goes back 2-3 hundred years, could grasp the forces or see the details that influence this very slow cycle. All of the history of man on this planet has occured after the last major ice age Look at this chart- http://www.iceagenow.com/Pacemaker.htm Iceages seem to be about 11.5 thousand years apart and warming peaks about every 100,000 years. The question is not is the earth warming but are the effects of industrialzation pushing it a bit higher and faster. If the last 7000 years are positioned on the graph it is impossible to see small but very important pertubations of temperture change. Since A relativly small change is capable of producing catastrophic changes to our way of life; even if there is a slight upward influence due to CO2 and other effuents to the natural warming trend of the last 50K years, it is foolhardy, given the enormity of the consequences, to ignore it.

Posted by: strawman at April 17, 2006 01:48 PM (o/gnC)

10 Yeah, if the climate keeps warming, those damned Danes will establish viable colonies on Greenland,and rape and pilage Europe, Newfoundland, and north-central Asia. Fortunately their quest for expansion and global conquest will turn into a rout, when they encounter a strain of giant reptiles far better suited for the coming tropical environs.

Posted by: Jasen at April 17, 2006 08:01 PM (+0hWL)

11 > Will, I was following your argument until here. What do you mean by "the climate of the last 1000 years"? What's the "anomaly?" Is the anomaly, the current "warming?" Take a quick look at the references I provided, which cover all of this in appropriate detail. > Also, Earth's climate has varied over the past 1000 years. As you might recall, it is certain that Europe's climate changed fairly dramatically from the 10th century to the present. That depends upon what you mean by dramatic; do you have any numbers in mind? What are the sources, and what were the data points they were derived from? How are these compared to the larger aggregate of data sets described in the references I provided? > Of course, this variance in climate doesn't fit well into the current template that man is responsible for climate change. Until you answer the points above, this is simply an unsupported assertion. > So, there have been attempts (in my opinion more political than scientific) to try and argue that there really was not a "Little Ice Age" from the 14th to the 19th century and, of course, no true "Medieval Climate Optimum" that preceeded it. One should rely on a critical examination of the data first and foremost. I haven't seen any arguments against a Little Ice Age or Medieval Climate Optimum, but I have seen debunking of arguments that said those were significant in light of the current warming. > The argument being that, if these periods did exist, they were confined to Europe and were not a global phenomenon. Whose arguments are you referring to?

Posted by: will at April 24, 2006 06:23 AM (GzvlQ)

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The "M" In NBC Stands For "Me"

I know there's no M in NBC. You try coming up with clever titles all the time.

Anyways, I had the misfortune of watching NBC's Nightly News tonight, which is something I haven't done in quite a few years. After spending the first couple of segments building their case against Rumsfeld, the network turned its evil eye on the legendary 10th Mountain Division, currently in Afghanistan hunting Taliban.

Here's a transcript and link to the video.

What seemed odd at first, later became annoying, then maddening. Jim Maceda seemed to spend at least as much time talking about himself as he did talking about the 10th Mountain.

An example:

. . . gunmen sprayed our campsite with machine gunfire, just as we prepared to sleep, sending me digging for cover. Two insurgents were wounded, fleeing into the mountains. It was my closest call in 30 years of reporting. [emphasis mine]

Okay, so while you cowered, what else did the real men do? He doesn't elaborate.

Another example:

At dawn, we began the grueling 4,000-foot descent. I carried a 50-pound pack. My cameraman, Kyle Eppler, had that plus a 50-pound car battery, for power.

I thought that was a strange bit of information to put in the story, especially when the accompanying video showed soldiers carrying heavy gear too. Personally, I didn't give a crap how much Maceda carried. What about the soldiers? How much were they carrying? Weren't they supposed to be the point of the story?

Interestingly, Maceda did find it important to mention the four soldiers who needed medical care after the march. I suppose he did that to show how macho he was by contrast.

Maceda couldn't resist adding one more reminder of the hardships he endured to bring us "the story." In closing, he says it's

an often forgotten war that is hard work for the military and the media covering it.

Poor baby.

I appreciate Maceda's effort, but I do not need to know about it. In fact, I thought the reporter was not supposed to be part of the story. Instead of hearing about Maceda and his cameraman, I would rather have known a few more relevant details like: How many bad guys have we blown away and/or how many rat-holes have we flame-throwered?

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Lindsay Stalker E-mail Of The Day

Fresh out of the inbox:

hi, i read ur email and dam it ihave a crush on lindsay so could u pleasetell me her phone no nd email id please i promise i'll not misuse it.please hope u wont ditch me this is pretty serious and i am serious while writing this.I promise to never misuse it andif i do so kill me cause now i cant live without her if some how i get an oppurtinity to go to america i'll definately will proposeher my name is [redacted] and i am frm India.Thanking and waiting for ur support please.
Your Faithfully
[redacted]

Um, well, good luck with that.

Aaron Carter, Wilmer Valderrama, Chad Michael Murray, Adam Levine, Sean Lennon, and finally... [redacted] from India.

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Peter Pumpkin The Spectacular Pumpkin, The Saga Continues

Step two: Introduce new characters.

Step three: Develop storyline.

Step four: Establish conflict.

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Don't Believe The Hype (Megastores Can Be Reasonable)

Listening to talk radio, I got the impression that bookstores are run by sneaky liberal kooks whose sole mission in life is to corrupt our minds through product placement. Which may be largely true, but not in all cases.

Cameron, of Woody's Woundup recently discovered that an anti-LDS book was being featured on an Easter display at the bookstore where he works.

Irked, he wrote a letter.

The book is Jon Krakauer's Under the Banner of Heaven . . . . It is not a happy or religiously inspirational book to read, certainly. The back cover alone, which describes the Mormon church as "Taliban-like", would be amusing in some other context. The book itself is less amusing, arguing that Mormons - all Mormons, and not just a few polygamist nutjobs - are potentially violent, perhaps murderously so, precisely because of our religion. (Yes, I am Mormon.)
Well, Krakauer is certainly free to have such a view and to write it, just as B&N is free to sell his book in an open market place.
What I want to know is, how did this book end up on two - count them, 2 - different displays on Barnes & Noble's display tables? And, in regards to at least one table, I'm talking about Store List books, books that some yahoo in a cubicle in Marketing at B&N's headquarters has decided need to be displayed on specific tables or endcaps in the store.
Under the Banner of Heaven appears on both the "Religion & Inspiration" table and, amazingly, the Easter table.
It boggles the mind. Unless I missed one, Krakauer's book is the ONLY negatively-themed book on BOTH tables. As it is frankly a sloppily-researched attack on a major religion, what is it doing on these displays?

I read that post by Cameron, and figured it would turn out to be a venting experience for him, with no expectation of any response from the corporate monolith. But I was mistaken.

B&N wrote back.

You are absolutely correct. Under the Banner of Heaven should never have been included with the Easter display we are glad you took the time to bring this to our attention. It was an oversight on the buyers end, and we hope you accept our apologies. It is never our intention to insult our customers or our Booksellers.
There is a message that went out on BN.Inside today instructing the stores to remove the title from the Easter table and place it in Trade Paperback Favorites.

Stunning. You know, if I wasn't already a big B&N fan, they would certainly have earned my business for such a prompt and reasonable response to Cameron's letter. And kudos to Cameron for making the effort. I would've assumed I'd be ignored, and probably done nothing.

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Dating Tips For Pirates

I love this. It's hilarious. Unless you're with Sammy Davis Jr. or Peter Falk, I'm not sure this is the best idea. Might freak your man out if he happens to peek.

Kissing by Paige

Ok, You want to kiss him but dont know what he wants to do? Well, while you are kissing, keep one eye slightly open. If his eyes are wide open-RUN!! Its obvious he is shocked and dosent want to be kissed.

If he puts his tounge in your mouth, again keep one eye slightly open. Just go alone with it if he does end up tounge wrestling with you.

And heres another tip. While you are kissing, and while you have your eye open, if he has his eyes closed and looks like hes really enjoying it, it means he could do that ALL DAY. And when you start to pull back, he will too.

Rate This Dating Tip
Poor 1				5 Great

Current Rating:
3.9
From 4502 votes.

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Make A Me

How to make a annika

Ingredients:

5 parts jealousy

5 parts crazyiness

3 parts joy

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of curiosity and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Via the sexy Law Fairy.

[N.B. Go-quiz's code fucks up your template unless you add a </div> tag at the very end.]

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April 13, 2006

Peter Pumpkin The Spectacular Pumpkin, Episode 3

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April 12, 2006

Coolest Thing On The Internets Of The Day

Ever wish you could dress up your favorite stars? What would you do if you were the stylist for celebrities like Johnnie Depp, Amanda Bynes, Camilla Parker-Bowles, Bo Bice, or Nicole Richie, just to pick a few names at random from this awesome site.

Playing with this stuff is like being a little girl again. But I also get to snark at celebrities, which is always adult time fun.

Charlize with red hair and Pat Benatar lipstick/eye shadow? I just click a few boxes and there she is. And she looks awful. Maria Sharapova as a goth? Horrible.

Want to watch manic Angelina on the catwalk? Look in the games section. You can change her clothes instantly as she marches to an unheard soundtrack.

Craziest thing though. Even with access to Jessica Simpson's wardrobe, I still can't find a damn thing to wear.

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Peter Pumpkin The Spectacular Pumpkin: Episode Two

Because the hardest part about introducing a new fictional character is that it takes time for the audience to get to know and love him.

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Wednesday Is Poetry Day

You may remember the great KISS haiku contest of 2005. The winner of that contest was Cameron who used to have a blog called Way Off Base. Now he's blogging with his brother at Woody's Woundup.

Anyways, I once called Cameron "the Mark Russell of the Blogosphere." Of course nobody knows who Mark Russell is, so it's not much of a compliment, if it ever was one. But Cameron is still writing poetry, and I loved his latest one so much that I chose it for this week's selection.

On the Morning of A Day Off, A Little Wind and Rain
An old, missed friend wakes me up, politely
Tapping my window with soft fingers,
Whispering the new stories she has learned.
And IÂ’m all ears, warm under my blanket,
Sitting up with my back against the cool wall,
Listening, trying to find a rhythm
In her words, perpetually relieved
To never discern any noticeable pattern.
It would ruin the instance if I did;
Like hearing a drumbeat put to an aria.
ThereÂ’s no sorrow, no worsted gray buttoned up
Over the colorful promise of her mysteries.
Beneath my closed eyes, her words become
An intimate canvas primed and waiting for
Some improvised brush of . . .
Life, she taps on my window. Laughter. Love.
Each flurry of words brings me
Closer to new than I have been in years.
My windowÂ’s open; she enters on the breeze.
Such a scent she brings, clean and real,
The scent wild things know after the snows melt,
And with her comes the lush green certainty
Of something taking root in me,
Like a seed pushed into readied earth by
Some wise old farmer in the North Forty,
And I imagine that when my friend and I
Meet again in the spring, in a rambling conversation
About wild sprouts and raucous blooms,
IÂ’ll be glad then that I donÂ’t now close my window
Just to avoid her random, friendly kisses.
It doesnÂ’t rain enough in Southern California.

Cameron writes an occasional sonnet too, and for his latest effort he was rewarded by by being published in the Moorpark Review Creative Arts Journal. This one is real nice. Click on the link to "So we are all of us abandoned Lears" at this page.

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April 11, 2006

Peter Pumpkin The Spectacular Pumpkin: Episode One

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New Scam I Fell For... Fuck!

I fell for a new bum scam today, but it's a good one.

I pulled into a gas station and before I even shut off the engine there appeared next to me a rough looking biker dude on a beat up old v-twin. The engine was clearly smoking. He was unshaven and filthy. He's saying something, so I reluctantly shut off the radio and roll down the window partway. I'm thinking, maybe I should just leave, but I was running on fumes. Plus he'd probably follow me anyway. And damn if I wasn't the only person at the gas station too. Rotten luck.

So I see what he says. He's mumbling something about a gasket. Seems his engine is fucked up somehow and he wants like fifty bucks to go get a gasket. Keep in mind it's about 6:00 pm and all mechanics are closed.

So I give him my standard answer.

"Why don't you call a friend and ask him to come get you?"

That always throws a bum. Very few of them expect that question, this asshole included. But he countered by sticking to the script.

"I just need some help to get a $20 gasket."

Oh, now it's $20! Interesting. But the engine is obviously in trouble. Smoke is coming out from all over.

"I don't see why you don't call a friend or a family member. That's what I'd do," I say again.

"I just need a $20 gasket. I'll take whatever you can spare. C'mon help me out. I know a guy down the street who can put the gasket in for me."

"Dude, I ain't givin' you no fifty bucks. Just park the bike and call a family member to come pick you up."

Now, for just a split second, I sense annoyance flash across his face. Then it's gone, but not without leaving a profound effect on my strategy.

[Insert the part where I curse California and it's stupid CCW laws.]

He responds, "Nobody's gonna come all the way from Riverside to pick me up."

I'm wondering how he made it to Sacramento from Riverside on that smoking hulk, while I discreetly remove two dollars from my wallet.

"Here's two bucks. But I don't know how that's gonna get you anywhere."

Without a word of thanks, he takes the money from my outstretched arm and tears off down the road on the broken bike, which seems to accelerate just fine.

The moral of the story is this: You may catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but a menacing look can get you two bucks.

Posted by: annika at 06:29 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 433 words, total size 2 kb.

1 I'm so glad that you were armed and unharmed.

Posted by: reagan80 at April 11, 2006 08:59 PM (K9tdw)

2 I bet the Easter Bunny wouldn't have settled for just giving you a menacing look.

Posted by: Cameron Wood at April 12, 2006 01:09 AM (cSPWI)

3 That happened to me in an Office Max...only it was some bum wanting to make a phone call. I gave him a quarter (big spender) and the dude bought a pack of smokes!

Posted by: GroovyVic at April 12, 2006 02:18 AM (UtIo/)

4 Almost the same thing happened to me when I was your age--the guy scored three bucks. That was twenty years ago...they never look at me now even though I drive a much nicer car. Age has its privileges.

Posted by: Mark W at April 12, 2006 05:18 AM (aklAt)

5 I never get hustled anymore, unless you count the tattooed heroin addicts who sit on the sidewalk in front of Horton Plaza. Whenever they open their mouths, I exploit the opening to launch into a What-the-fuck-are-you-doing-with-your-life lecture. The risk reward ratio quickly tilts against them. As for the "in your face" intimidator, keep this one in your pocket. "Oh my brother loves bikes, he'll help you, let me call him, btw he's a cop." An even better idea might be not to talk to speedfreaks on motorcycles. Your mistake was engaging on his terms. Listen to mom. Don't talk to strangers.

Posted by: Casca at April 12, 2006 05:36 AM (y9m6I)

6 You are right Casca. But the beauty of that bum's scheme was that he got me as soon as I pulled up to the pump, so I had no choice but to respond to him. And since he was on a motorcycle, I was afraid to just drive away because he might follow me.

Posted by: annika at April 12, 2006 07:10 AM (zAOEU)

7 Annika, I'm hardly the optimistic type, but look at it this way: You saved $48!

Posted by: Mark at April 12, 2006 01:37 PM (KHxhX)

8 annika, your biggest mistake was letting your gas tank get that freakin' low. Call me neurotic, but in the cold, damp, east, it's the rarest of a rare day when my tank is below half a tank. Especially in winter, keeping your tank full helps ensure you don't get ice in the fuel line. Obviously you don't have that problem in warm, sunny, rainy California...but had you not been on fumes you could've just taken off for another gas station, or if the guy *had* started following you, to a police or fire station.

Posted by: Victor at April 13, 2006 04:12 AM (L3qPK)

9 Karate lessons? Because attitude goes a long way.

Posted by: MarkD at April 15, 2006 05:06 AM (X9njN)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

California Poll Numbers

In California, Bush surpasses Carter...

Only 32 percent of registered voters approve of the job Bush is doing, while 62 percent disapprove, according to the statewide Field Poll released Tuesday.
. . .
Carter had a 66 percent disapproval and 33 percent approval rating in July 1980.

...while Congress ties Nixon.

Californians' views on the legislative branch were even more negative with 66 percent disapproving of the job Congress is doing and just 24 percent approving.

Nixon hit 24% in August 1974, just before he resigned.

Anybody wanna go for Fillmore?

Posted by: annika at 06:22 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 93 words, total size 1 kb.

1 You need a red state vacation. Hit Padre Island for spring break, and you'll feel better. Polls are subjective snapshots. I'd say 33% is about the right count for people in this state who don't have their heads up their collective asses.

Posted by: Casca at April 11, 2006 10:17 AM (y9m6I)

2 The difference is that Carter had the support of MSM. If he did not have the support of MSM, his approval numbers would have been 5%. With all the Bush bashing that MSM has done, it is a miracle that his approval numbers are at 32%.

Posted by: Jake at April 11, 2006 11:35 AM (XOf7A)

3 The Field Poll slants leftward, so I suspect the number is not quite that low - but still in the high 30's. This is a very Blue state with the Independents leaning Democrat as well. He is receiving a 32% disaproval rating from Reps, which shouldn't be a surprise considering his weak handling of the immigration issue and high gas prices. He better get a handle on immigration. This is the one issue that will kill Reps in '06. It's all about voter turnout and if Reps turn into the Democrat Lite Party and don't insist on real border security, the base will stay home. The idea that somebody as stupid as Nancy Pelosi could be Speaker of the House should make anybody with a three-digit IQ sick. Seriously, she is only slightly less stupid than Barbara Boxer. So, I'm hoping Bush and the Reps will develop a backbone and insist on real immigration reform.

Posted by: Blu at April 11, 2006 11:57 AM (j8oa6)

4 I'd be in the 62% category because he isn't conservative enough for me. So if anybody's thinking that number portends victory for the party of Howard Dean, they need to ask a few more questions... I'm way into the 66% category on Congress. Corrupt, utterly, hopelessly corrupt. The few honest ones are ineffective. Too bad there isn't a "None of the above,and they are hereby permanently ineligible for public office" line on the ballot. How many of those do you suppose would get a majority?

Posted by: MarkD at April 11, 2006 12:04 PM (oQofX)

5 Either Ralph Nader or the Libertarians or someone wanted to put "None of the above" on ballots. After watching a lot of English Premier League matches, I think I have the answer - losers must be relegated to a lower classification. Bush, McCain, and Kennedy can all be Sunderland.

Posted by: Ontario Emperor at April 11, 2006 02:21 PM (bGyIu)

6 Im with mark on this one, I really thnk Bush is a big F up, but I am not likely to vote for any Dem. Although, It is barely possible.

Posted by: kyle8 at April 11, 2006 03:05 PM (Bl8It)

7 Â“immigration. This is the one issue that will kill Reps in '06." Hey Blu, Are you serious? You don't suppose the fact that the country is finally realizing the W is about as straight as a piece of Iraq rebar is not going to hurt in 06? The charade is collapsing. The general incompetence, the intense deceit, the secrecy when it suits them, the political manipulation of the government, the overall sense of dishonesty, the overblown pandering to fear, and not the least of it being that George can't define a word without using the same word as a synonym. The man is an idiot. And you have the gall the badmouth Pelosi or Boxer? They can both stand before the press and link multiple sentences into thoughts that answer questions with syntax that agrees in tense and number; something W cannot do. He is incoherent, churlish, childish and weak. The party is going into the midÂ’s with nothing to run on except stagnant wages, a continuing swap of high paying for low paying jobs, incredible debt, an oil lobbyist running Interior, some other hack (lawyer) at the office of interior changing the meaning of scientific papers to conform to the boneheaded pseudoscience that passes for policy in the WH, Abramoff spilling his guts, and the bug man indicted and disgraced. A slow but steady erosion has been (and by erosion I mean when things erode they get eroded) taking place. The republican bus has hit the telephone pole of the American publicÂ’s limit on bullshit and the air bags didnÂ’t deploy

Posted by: strawman at April 11, 2006 03:07 PM (o/gnC)

8 Strawman, I don't know what country you are talking about-you must be referring to France: Because in this country, we have nothing but good news: Iraq is now safer than the streets of Detroit or Washington DC Unemployment is at an all time low Employment is at an all time high Al Qaida is decimated and on the run No terrorist incidents in the US for 3.5 years Federal Tax revenues at an all time high Stock market is at an all time high Number of high paying jobs is at an all time high Interest rates are at an historical low Inflation is at an historical low Only 1 administration official is under indictment compared to 61 Clinton administration officials under indictment The 40 Democrat Senators who took bribes from Abramoff have been identified The Interior Department is now using real scientific research rather than the hysterical blatherings of the left. The majority of the large countries have adopted the G8 Bush Doctrine on the Environment.

Posted by: Jake at April 11, 2006 04:44 PM (XOf7A)

9 Strawman and I disagree on so much. But maybe there's some common ground if I say that we both wish we had a president with the gift of clear articulatation.

Posted by: annika at April 11, 2006 06:03 PM (fxTDF)

10 Straw, I stand by what I wrote. The Reps can only lose the House if the base stays home. The political reality is that incumbents have a nearly overwhelming advantage in their gerrymandered districts. You are just plain wrong on the economy. You are simply repeating Paul Begala's talking points. This is economy is producing wealth at all levels and the jobs that are being produced are not minimum wage. (See this: http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/0411/p01s02-usec.html)If you want to argue that Bush is inarticualte, I don't think you will get a lot of argument. Anyway, the best you can hope for is that the Reps fuck up immigration. If that happens, your side has a shot at the House. Taking over the Senate will require an even bigger Rep meltdown. I don't think that will happen...but you never know with the spineless bunch running the Senate and a seemingly politically tone deaf WH.

Posted by: Blu at April 12, 2006 07:23 AM (j8oa6)

11 I would have figured he had like 2% approval in California.

Posted by: Mark at April 12, 2006 01:39 PM (KHxhX)

12 Jake, for future reference, liberals are not interested in that "truth", "logic" and "evidence" stuff. Slogans, unchecked emotions, and cardboard signs from Kinko's will do just fine.

Posted by: Mark at April 12, 2006 01:42 PM (KHxhX)

13 Oh, Mark you baaing sheep, The irony of your remarks is profound. We are ruled by the most deceitful, truth adverse, bunch of Stalinists this country has ever endured. Men and women who "assassinate" enemies, march our young men and women off to die for reasons yet to be told, suspend habeas corpus, impose religious doctrine on our grade school children, intentionally and through abject ignorance bungle the language in ways Orwell could never have imagined and you accuse liberals as having issues with the truth? You sir are no better than a common cultist.

Posted by: strawman at April 13, 2006 06:18 AM (o/gnC)

14 Straw, Calm down, dude! And please be accurate with your insults. Stalin ordered the murder of millions upon millions of his own people. Putting enemy combatants into prison rather than executing them on the spot is not, in my opinion, Stalinist. If this administration was, as you put it, Stalinist, they'd hunt you down and put a bullet in your brain. As it is, you and all those that share your point of view are allowed to vent ad nauseum. If you are speaking philosophically, then, sorry buddy, but it is your party that most closely resembles Stalinists.

Posted by: Blu at April 13, 2006 09:22 AM (j8oa6)

15 I just ignore insults. It's how children argue. The best part in that tirade was "for reasons yet to be told." I guess you have been comatose for the last 4 years, eh strawman?

Posted by: Mark at April 13, 2006 10:10 AM (A4zYZ)

16 "For reasons yet to be told." Yes, Bush has taken over the editorial offices of the MSM and forced them to print only stories favorable to his administration. OK, try this: "Because the MSM is so patriotic, and would never release any classified information that would harm our country during a time of war." Sorry, I just can't come up with any way your hyperbole can be rationalized.

Posted by: MarkD at April 15, 2006 05:11 AM (X9njN)

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