Bear with me. Stream of consciousness and all that.*
Sometimes you build a life and when it's built you say, that's good, i like it, i think i'll stay here for a while. Then you congratulate yourself, but it's all vanity. You have no control over where you'll be, or what, from one day to the next. And you think you can insulate yourself from the hard choices, but God finds a way to stir things up anyway. And it sucks.
No, i'm not pregnant.
i got accepted to a pretty good law school. Trouble is, it was a fallback school, because it's in a place that i had not planned to move to. To make things "worse," they offered me a scholarship. A big one. Too much money to just dismiss. i got into some other schools too, but they didn't offer to take me for free, and they're not as good.
The whole damn reason i left all my friends, save one, and moved here to L.A. was to be near my parents. It's part guilt and part love. They're getting up there in years. Both of them have had health problems recently and i've been glad to be here and near them. i don't want to be away and get the call. You know the call i'm talking about. i don't want to know that i wasn't here for them. My brother is useless in these things. It's gotta be me, to take care of them if they need it.
Oh, they're fine now. Perfect health. i'm just afraid, really terrified something will happen and i won't be here. That's the guilt part. My Dad can take care of himself better than my Mom, but he's the one with the more serious health problems. Still, sometimes i go through life just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Maybe it's guilt that says i can't accept something nice happening to me. Maybe i'm just a baby who after all these years can't leave my parents. i think back on the other times when i was at a crossroads and i always picked the secure road, forsaking the road to adulthood. Colby is the big one. i could be married now, but i couldn't jump into that really big unknown. When he came back and wanted to give it a second try, i bugged out on him.
Oh, the self-pity and wailing and melancholy over such good news. What's wrong with me. Most people accept change in their lives. Most people look for it. People are always trying to move forward. i didn't want to, really. i'm happy doing what i'm doing. Working one day to the next, looking forward to each weekend, and then the next. Not making any plans. i'll quit smoking when i'm ready, etc.
The damn LSAT came back and it was good. A few points lower than i'd hoped, but still good enough to open a lot of possibilities. Too good not to apply to Law School. Then the applications went out. A couple of rejections from some places i'd been counting on. Wait-listed at a reach. Then this one.
i suppose i'll have to go. It's only three years. Really, i want to go. I'm excited about going, despite what i've typed above. Really excited. It's just that i seem to want to cry every time i think about leaving my parents. And i don't even visit them all that often. Certainly not as often as i should. And when i do visit, perhaps i grumble and argue a bit more than i should too. Maybe that's part of the guilt trip.
At the root, i have a big problem doing things for me alone. i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It keeps one from being too selfish. i'm very aware of not wanting to be selfish. Though i think i am. Egotistical too. Hell, i write a blog, i got a big ego. i just don't want a big ego. But i gotta do something for me sometime. i can't keep putting it off, like i had wanted to.
The choice is this. Take the better opportunity, push myself, and deal with the worry. Or take a lesser opportunity and coast. If i go up north again, i will have to come back to L.A. a lot, if only to assuage my worries and so they won't miss me. i'll miss the people and the life i've built here, but i may like it up there too.
It's so hard to decide. i've known for a long time that i am a very indecisive person. Lacking real ambition too. Lazy, etc. Whatever.
i have to let them know by Monday.
1
Go for it. You will never forgive yourself if you don't. Hopefully nothing will happen to your parents in that time. If it does you can deal with it then. If three years passes and nothing happens you will always be thinking that you should have gone to school.
Posted by: Capt. Poopdeck at April 27, 2004 10:49 AM (+xC6N)
2
I know you aren't really asking for advice, but I say go for it. I was in a very similar situation to yours when looking at undergrad schools. All the ones I applied to would be far away, but the one I wanted was near extended family and I'd know a bunch of kids there. But then I was offered a ginormous financial aid package from Prestigious School, which was really not my first choice. I was worried about going there - at State School I'd be in the honors program, which would make me feel special, I'd know people around there, I'd be far away but in familiar territory. Prestigious School didn't have an honors program because everyone there was friggin' brilliant. I didn't know a soul - family, friend, acquaintance, or enemy - in Chicago. But the financial aid director at State School was actually who made the decision for me. He said, "I shouldn't be telling you this, because I should try to get you to come here, but you have to take this opportunity. You will never get a chance like this again."
So I went. And it was hard and it was scary and when things got bad for my family, I couldn't go to them. And when things got bad for me, they couldn't come save me.
It was really, really hard. I won't lie. But I am so much stronger and SET as a result of making that choice, and I don't regret it for one second.
Posted by: lorie at April 27, 2004 10:50 AM (PPPwU)
3
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might; for there is no work, nor plan, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave where you go. Ecc 9:10
Good luck!
Posted by: Otto at April 27, 2004 10:55 AM (/yOhb)
4
I'll write more later, Annika, but what a powerful post. First off, congratulations.
Second off, this may indeed be the "big scary moment" that you know you need. You are too smart to allow yourself to "coast" for too long. I remember when I moved down here for grad school in 1989 -- leaving behind NorCal and all that I knew. It was frightening beyond words, but (amazingly enough) it became first familiar, and then my true home. I would have been a fool to stay.
Good luck.
Posted by: Hugo at April 27, 2004 11:41 AM (89maB)
5
You want a sign from God? I saw this AP headline recently (can't recall where) which should remove all doubts:
"Despite Years of Anecdotal Evidence to the Contrary, Survey Shows World Really
DOES Need One More Lawyer"
Now who could argue with that? Go North, young woman! (Just be sure to take your blog with you!)
Posted by: The Big Guy (No, not that One!) at April 27, 2004 12:13 PM (7UPKM)
6
First -congratulations. Go for it - you can always come back to LA with a major firm, and you will be better off. I had ailing parents in my hometime, and I was able to return here to an academic spot that magically opened when I needed to come back. You owe it to yourself and your family to go - you will have so many doors opened for you. Once again, congratulations and good luck.
Posted by: OS at April 27, 2004 12:34 PM (iDpLa)
7
"The choice is this. Take the better opportunity, push myself, and deal with the worry. Or take a lesser opportunity and coast."
I think you just answered your own question.
Posted by: Curt at April 27, 2004 12:41 PM (MjUGS)
8
Go Annika! Go!
A few years is a small price to pay living in a place you did not plan to.
Here are a couple of my former addresses:
Waco, Texas (during the whole Koresh mess)
Anchorage, Alaska (where the men are men and so are the women)
North Canton, Ohio (home of Hoover and boy does it suck!)
and finally,
Jacksonville, NC (an extension of the Marine Barracks on LeJeune)
The price is right and the benefits great, you will find happiness and success there.
Posted by: jcrue at April 27, 2004 01:50 PM (G9kk0)
9
Annika,
I moved 400 miles from my entire family to pursue a relationship that my parents did not approve of and that ultimately failed.
In the process of living through that, I met my wife of 10 years and the mother of my two wonderful children. I also forged a career on path I had not set out on and have done quite well.
It is not an exaggeration to say that all of what my life is now is the result of taking that one chance.
Go.
Posted by: Stephen Macklin at April 27, 2004 03:16 PM (4819r)
10
I concur with everybody (wow, I don't think I've ever said that before)!
Good friends we've had, good friends we've lost... along the way - Bob Marley
Posted by: d-rod at April 27, 2004 04:24 PM (CSRmO)
11
Annika,
First, congrats.
Second, sounds like the guilt is parent-driven, so to speak. I'd suggest talking to your Mom and Dad about it.
Two great things result: one, a sense of relief because you shared you feelings with your parents; and two, you'll get their "blessing." It's what you're really after here, isn't it. (No bad thing.)
So go. Talk to your p's. No regrets.
Posted by: joe at April 27, 2004 04:25 PM (0XLEx)
12
Congrats and good luck...law school is hell anywhere, but also CAN be a great experience as well; you'll do just fine. And if you absolutely find your heart belongs to some other school, it's still always possible to transfer after the first year.
Posted by: Dave J at April 27, 2004 06:16 PM (+MjkF)
13
This is a bit cheesy but I figured if any blogger could use this it would be you:
"Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way"
Sage advice from the man. It popped into my head as I read your post. I lived all over the country, even the world, and "ended up" buying a house on the same block as my parents. Now I may leave again. I know (a bit) what you're going through but you have to step back and look at your situation objectively. What is the best choice? I have no idea, maybe you don't either. No matter your decision, you'll have a few regrets. Which regrets are better for you in the long run?
Posted by: Rich at April 27, 2004 06:24 PM (Z0Vzg)
14
Annika,
-It almost seems too personal an issue for some stranger's advice. But I'd be willing to wager your parents would want you to take the opportunity. Seems like they raised an intelligent and thoughtful girl. As much as they may enjoy having you near, they'd probably take great pride knowing your persuing your ambitions, and I doubt they'd find any real peace if they thought you were staying behind on their behalf. Good parents expend years of effort preparing their kids for the world knowing wheresoever life takes their child, they'll be along for the journey. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your child to go out and face they world with the strength and knowledge you'd instilled.
-It may seem cold coming from someone who's emotionally detatched from the situation, but maybe staying would be selfish, if you're staying out of self-guilt, and not because you really think they want you to hang around while life passes by.
Jasen
Posted by: Jasen at April 27, 2004 07:43 PM (HlnGb)
15
In my experience, if you make a decision based
soley on $$$ then it's the wrong decision. You have to remember that being Rich, not "rich", is what it's all about. Listen to yer heart, Anni, you probably already know what you want to do.
Or maybe not... ;P ?
Posted by: Tuning Spork at April 27, 2004 08:28 PM (7JYZb)
16
Annie,
My greatest hopes in life revolve around my children's safety, happiness and fulfillment. I think most parents are that way. I'd be surprised if your parents aren't. So how would they feel about you staying away from the school that you seem to really want, for their sake? If the answer is as I suspect, then you can probably do more to make them happy by going than by staying. But of course I could be wrong. You know better than I; just be honest with yourself.
Best of luck to you in your decision. We'll all be waiting with bated breath!
Posted by: Matt at April 27, 2004 09:12 PM (of2d1)
17
Be cherry about giving advice. A fool won't listen, and a wise man doesn't need it. - Ben Franklin
Funny thing, whatever you decide will be right.
Posted by: Casca at April 27, 2004 10:05 PM (Qhmjh)
18
That is you.
Deal with it...
Posted by: CandyCane at April 28, 2004 05:37 AM (S9P+3)
19
I would imagine your folks would tell you to go, and they'd be sincere about it. Parents want their children to surpass them, and this is a big step towards that.
Posted by: Ted at April 28, 2004 09:51 AM (blNMI)
20
OK, Annie:
One more piece of advice, since you asked for it.
Law School is Hell. I know, I've been there. The first year, they scare you to death, the second, they work you to death, the third, they bore you to death. Then after you graduate, you spend the summer cramming all the stuff back into your head so that you can take and pass the Bar Exam.
Life, as you know it, is about to come to a screeching halt. New language, concepts, and a way of thinking that you don't learn working in a law office.
It doesn't matter where you are living, when you have the few lulls, you can fly home from there and then back to the grind.
Take the best law school you can get into; it will play a part in your future. Many firms, and many clients, are law school snobs and will not hire or use lawyers who do not have a good pedigree.
Good luck to you. The law has been good to me, and it is a great life, but not in law school.
Posted by: shelly s. at April 28, 2004 11:26 AM (0GNJF)
21
congrats - on the scholarship?? you're the best.
On leaving your family: what happens after law school and the job of your dreams is in say NYC?? would you put that off as well?
sooner or later you have to reach for the brass ring. you are talented person. get the best education you can, and give that wisdom back to your clients and employer ( and break off a piece you blog readers as well!).
your parents can live off the glory of having a superstar-lawyer for a daughter...and your brother won't mind the really expensive Christmas gifts!!
Posted by: jimi at April 28, 2004 09:30 PM (lN8eP)
22
To share some similar experience, I grew up in Oakland like you and moved down to Orange County for my first high-tech job. I came back to the Bay Area after a couple years and now live in Oakland again to be close to my father who is having a harder time now. He is pretty old and my sister refuses to talk to him so I'm taking care of him which allows him to continue living somewhat independently. Since my best friend was killed in a boating accident a few years ago, that is really the only reason I'm still here. Well, that and the
I.B. Hoagies place too.
Posted by: d-rod at April 29, 2004 08:10 AM (YKu7i)
23
OMG, I.B. Hoagies is the best!!!
Posted by: annika at April 29, 2004 09:52 AM (zAOEU)
24
Congrats to you!
Law school is quite a challenge, but a JD is great to have despite the stress involved.
Feel free to email me with questions or concerns.
Good luck.
Posted by: Mark, J.D. at April 29, 2004 01:30 PM (Vg0tt)
25
Congrats!
Go. It is the right thing to do. Just ask your Mom and Dad.
Posted by: Courtney at May 03, 2004 11:50 AM (tyQ8y)
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